Sub Mason-Dixon NFL Predictions

I don't know what's the more important aspect of this post - the fact that it's an NFL prediction post or that it means I'm back off my ass and posting again. We'll assume, since you love my writing, that it's the latter.

That's right boys, it's time to learn the answers for the south divisions in the NFL. Yeah! The dirty south, the ATL, the...uh...southern 8 teams in the league. I'm all out of euphamisms for the land of Waffle House and toothless strippers. So here they are, my picks for the NFC and AFC South divisions (bonus: check for shameless promotion of players on my fantasy team!). We'll start in the NFC.

NFC SOUTH

1. Carolina Panthers (Fuck you for wanting me to predict their records, I'm not a goddamn soothsayer)
Once again, the Panthers are the sexy pick to be the NFC Champs (read: eventual loser of the Super Bowl every fucking year, just like the goddamn National League who can't even win when they've got the lead in the bottom of the ninth in the God damn All Star game because Trevor Hoffman forgot how to fucking pitch because he's washed up and a stupid selection to the game. Seriously, even Derrick Turnbow didn't blow that one, come the fuck on. Michael Fucking Young? Fuck you). Even though the Panthers are the sexy pick for the division, I'll tell you what's not sexy - herpes. Wrap it up - every time - kids. Anyway, tirades against aged closers and VD aside, the Panthers have reloaded and are looking to build on a season in which they knocked off a #1 seed on the road in the playoffs and made it all the way to the NFC title game, where they simply ran into a better Seattle team (who, of course, played like a bunch of fucking cowards in the Super Bowl and Jerramy Stevens forgot how to catch the fucking ball). Once again, the Panthers will rely on an elite defensive unit that boasts the NFL's best cornerback tandem in Kenny Lucas and Chris Gamble, a stout linebacking corps led by Dan Morgan and the man some theologians claim Jesus would emulate if he ever decided to strap it up in the NFL, Julius Peppers. On offense, Jake Delhomme continues to improve and has established himself as one of the "best of the rest" of NFL quarterbacks. The addition of Keyshawn Johnson will take some of the playmaking burden away from Steve Smith and should allow for DeShaun Foster and DeAngelo Williams to enjoy plenty of success behind a very solid NFL line led by OT Jordan Gross and OG Mike Wahle, who shot Ted Thompson's dog execution-style during his final season in Green Bay (this is conjecture, but I can't see any other reason Thompson let him walk).

2. Atlanta Falcons (Yes, fuck you, I'm picking them to finish second, eat my ass)
Although Jim Mora Jr. was brought in as head coach because it was believed he could mold Mike Vick into a legitimate NFL QB, little progress has been made as of yet on that front, as any fantasy football owner on the past three years will tell you. Vick is still as dangerous as ever with his legs (particularly in the red zone), but his passing skills still appear more Spurgeon Wynn than Randall Cunningham. Regardless, I see this as the year that Vick finally puts it all together and finds his niche as an NFL QB. I could very well be wrong, but I just gots a feelin, baby. A big factor in this will be the play of his wideouts, a corps that in the Falcons' recent past has been absolutely horrendous. This year, however, Vick has what is probably his best stable of receivers ever in Roddy White, Michael Jenkins and Ashley Lelie. Add that to the continued monstrously excellent play of Vick's favorite target, Alge Crumpler* and an excellent running game led by Warrick Dunn and excuse time is over for Mike Vick. On defense, the Falcons added two key players to an already solid unit this offseason in former Jets DE John Abraham and SS "I'm just a simple caveman" Lawyer Malloy. Additional playmakers on D include CB DeAngelo Hall (also an electrifying return man), DE Patrick Kerney and MLB Keith Brooking, both of whom could easily kill you with their bare hands.

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Arrr, Matey!)
After a postseason run last year that ended with the heartbreak of a dropped go-ahead touchdown and the insult of a spit in the eye, the defending division champs are looking to return to the playoffs led by RB Cadillac Williams and a coach that looks like the main character from an 80s horror movie. On offense, the Bucs dumped last year's opening day starter Brian Griese and are relying on QB Chris Simms, who has another man's initials tattooed on his leg. No, I'm not kidding. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Aside from Williams, however, the offense seems to lack playmakers, as evidenced by WR Michael Clayton's 0 td's last year and the fact that Joey Galloway continues to cheat death. Speaking of old balls, the defense, though totally awesome at getting INTs, sacks and fumbles*, is another year older. Especially older and more wrinkley are the balls of key defenders DE Simeon Rice, OLB Derrick Brooks and CB Ronde Barber. Though they can still be an above-average unit, there may simply be too much age and too many question marks on this team for them to make a repeat postseason appearance.

4. New Orleans Saints
After spending fall of 2005 challenging Job (that's a biblical reference, by the way, you soulless heathen) for the worst string of bad luck ever recorded, the city of New Orleans finally had the dice roll their way in April when the Texans gift-wrapped Reggie Bush by opting to instead draft DE Mario Williams with the first overall pick. While Saint Reginald will probably put up 2,000 yards and 40 touchdowns this year*, he won't be able to resurrect a Saints roster that is in large part devoid of talent on his own. Though the offense is relatively solid with the addition of QB Drew Brees and the RB combo of God and Deuce McAllister, the defense is at a complete lack for playmakers, aside from DEs Will Smith and Charles Grant. While the Saints will be improved, they are going to have to wait until 2007 to make a jump to the next level, because this division is just too tough for a team with this many holes. However, look for the Saints to steal an upset or two in divisional play and do their part to make this the most interesting race in the NFL.

AFC SOUTH

1. Jacksonville Jaguars
Yeah, you read that right. It's time to get ballsy, baby. Real ballsy. This is the year that the Jags leapfrog the Colts and make the jump from solid playoff contender to division champion...if a few things go right. First off, the Jaguars need QB Byron Leftwich to break out as a consistent playmaker and team leader. For that to happen, the Jags need WRs Ernest Wilford, Matt Jones and Reggie Williams to step up and make big plays in the passing game, an area that has severely curtailed Jacksonville's chances in the last two years. Also, Jacksonville needs to get a solid rushing effort every week from some combination of Fred Taylor, Maurice Jones-Drew and LaBrandon Toefield. If that happens, this team could be very, very good and could challenge for the AFC title. On defense, the Jaguars are scary good, led upfront by sunblocking DTs John Henderson and Marcus Stroud. CB Rashean Mathis is considered by some experts to be the best corner in the NFL, and MLB Mike Peterson continues to make big plays to lead one of the NFL's best units. Don't be surprised if come late January, the Jaguars are still making noise.

2. Indianapolis Colts
The last offseason saw very little turnover on the Colts roster, save the loss of RB Edgerrin James to free agency. Peyton Manning is still the man, and will have plenty of targets in the passing game with wideouts Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne and Brandon Stokeley and TE Dallas Clark. The offensive line is still one of the best in the business, despite what pussyboy says to the media after a game in which he couldn't read a fucking blitz at the line of scrimmage. The only question mark on offense is whether or not Joseph Addai and Dominic Rhodes can replace Edge, and I'm not talking in terms of rushing or receiving yards. Regarded as an excellent blocker, Edge frequently saved Peyton's ass and made it possible for the offense to click in the face of frequent blitzes. Now, with the blueprint for beating Peyton so effectively laid down by the Steelers in the AFC Divisional Playoffs, the Colts will face relentless zone blitzes every week and their success may very well hinge on the RBs' ability to pick up those blitzing linebackers. On defense, it's basically the same story as last year, with notable standouts DE Dwight Freeney, OLB Cato June and FS Bob Sanders leading the way and not a hell of a lot else. Though the unit is improved from the joke of years past, the Colts will never win by grinding the clock and playing a game of field position. The addition of Vinatieri is also noteworthy and could factor heavily in a few close outcomes that mean the difference between this team winning the division, winning the wild card or sitting home in January.

3. Tennessee Titans
The Titans sucked ass last year and they're gonna suck plenty of ass this year too. The only question will be whether or not they let Vince Young play enough that their fans will at least have something to be encouraged about when they're getting their asses handed to them week in and week out. Aside from the Rose Bowl savior, other key offensive additions include WR David Givens from the Patriots and rookie RB LenDale White from USC. On defense, the only players worth mentioning are CB Pacman Jones and DT Albert Haynesworth. The rest are either young scrubs, washed up vets or Dutch guys like Kyle Vanden Bosch.

4. Houston Texans
Yeah, yeah, they decided not to take Reggie Bush with the #1 overall pick. I'll tell you what - it was the right move. Although they simultaneously made the right move and the wrong move, because they should have traded down and drafted D'Brickashaw Ferguson, but that's a moot point. Anyway, this team has way more holes than Reggie could have filled, so at least they got a solid defensive player and increased their total of solid defensive players to 1. On offense, the Texans front office must still find it hilarious to watch David Carr run for his life and get absolutely smoked 60 times a year, because the offensive line is still filled with old johnnyblocknothings Steve McKinney and Chester Pitts. Making matters worse are the guys they brought in to "improve" the line, rookies Eric Winston and Charles Spencer and constant knee injury Mike Flanagan from the Packers. This, coupled with the loss of Domanick Davis for the year means that the Texans will probably be trying to throw the ball. A lot. And who, you ask, will attempt to intercept those passes from defenders? 2005 bust of the year Andre Johnson leads the receivers along with aged addition Eric Moulds, who I swear to God played with Jim Kelly and Thurman Thomas. On defense, like I said, they're shitty also. They've got a couple decent players including Mario Williams and Dunta Robinson and that's about it. One player who deserves mentioning is probably the only Texans player who deserves mentioning, KR/WR Jerome Mathis, but upon closer inspection, he's on the PUP list to start the season, so who the hell cares. The only question that remains is whether the Texans will take Brady Quinn or Adrian Peterson next year when they pick #1 overall. Actually, they'll probably just pick some defensive guy you've never heard of until the draft again. Hooray.

All right, children, that'll do it for my predictions. Now get the hell off my lawn.



*indicates that player may or may not be on my fantasy team and therefore all comments about him are lies