Tim Floyd lived up to his reputation of being college basketball's best used car salesman...So, was that First Round exit worth it?

ESPN Bottomline: "An Olympic spokesperson says that none of the 31 venues for the 2008 Summer Olympics were damaged in the 7.9 Earthquake that killed 9,000."


Good to see we've got things in perspective here.

Labels: 2008 Olympics, crass, ESPN, inappropriate? entirely appropriate?

I was over at the Chicago Tribune web-site this morning, and I decided to navigate the link to my second-favorite internet web-log, Hawk and DJ's baseball blog to see what fine insights these baseball veterans of a combined 21 years playing experience have offered in recent days.

Unfortunately, all I saw on the front page were videos of game highlights and Stats Inc. factoids and series previews. In fact, I had to go all the way back to April 9 to find the most recent Hawk post and March 15 for the latest DJ piece, which was his first since a blurb about a Jon Garland hot streak last June 4.

Fortunately for those of us who sorely miss Hawk and DJ's cutting analysis, I think I can fill in. I've watched enough White Sox games over the last several years to know how they would size up the recent doings of the Sox if they had the time to post. So first, let's hear from Hawk...

Labels: Chicago White Sox, Darrin Jackson, Hawk Harrelson, John O'Donoghue, Jose Uribe, sorry if you don't live in Chicago

MLS washout and SI.com's resident soccer blowhard Greg Lalas praises the virtues of the Columbus Crew, a perennial MLS doormat who at the 1/4 pole of the MLS season has the best record in the league.

He doesn't really attribute it to anything other than using an excessive amount of "blue-collar" adjectives to describe their play. I suppose it's easy given their Village People-esque badge. Greg is right on one thing Columbus certainly is the early-season success story of MLS. For years, a trip to Crew Stadium meant a pretty good chance of coming out with a result. (16-19-11 over the last three years at home)

In addition to improving in the standings, their supporters' section is growing. Things are looking up in Cowtown. Lalas attributes most of the positive change to a change in mentality (from a Coach who had been at the helm for two years already), to players who have been playing together for a while (but only two years), and of course to their Lunchpail, Hardhat, gung-ho attitude.

Labels: baseless assertions, Columbus Crew, Greg Lalas is a hack, MLS, soccer, YCS hasn't had much new material recently

How do you make up for insulting a sports fanbase and its favorite star player? Easy--You cause a public menace by offering 23-cent pizzas to residents near-ish the city where that star player plays.

"It's a recession-busting offer, and we certainly hope we have made it up to Cleveland," Tim North, vice president of the company's northeast division, told WEWS-TV.

I may not be Steven Levitt's financial advisor, but I'm not sure how (essentially) giving away a product that required human labor to create is "recession-busting"--especially given that Papa John's also gave $10,000 to the so-called "Cavaliers Youth Fund" (read: PR platform for Cavs players with a 2.6% organizational efficiency).

"We're certainly a bit surprised about how darn popular this is," North told The (Cleveland) Plain Dealer.

Translation: "Our customers are even trashier than I realized."

"I did it for the principle of it. The principle of it is he's not a crybaby and Papa John's should not have gotten into it," Jennie Moore, 54, of University Heights, said as she waited for a pepperoni pizza.

The principle of it. That's why you waited for hours with hoards of other scuzzy freeloaders to score a low-grade pepperoni pizza. The principle of showing Papa John's management that they should not have called LeBron James a "crybaby." You are a noble woman of great conviction. Clearly, your 54 years on this earth have shaped your social conscience in a profound way.

Randall Hunter, 50, from Cleveland Heights, spent most of his four-hour split between bus driving shifts waiting for his pepperoni pizza. He defended James and what he said were flagrant fouls he received in the Washington series.

So... you waited almost four hours--the entirity of your break, mind you--to get a pizza... a pizza that you will now have to A) scarf down in a short amount of time before having to cramp yourself behind the wheel of a bus for the next several hours or B) bring the pizza on the bus and, at best, watch it get cold or eaten by passengers and, at worst, lose your job for unprofessional conduct.

I'll resist the urge to say, "I think I know why you drive a bus for a living." Oh shit... just did. Well, I'm sure Cleveland Heights is a lovely place. *chortle chortle*

Patrick Mone, dressed in a blue James "Witness" T-shirt, was willing to wait as long as necessary for the bargain.

Wouldn't it be funny if he waited so long he died? No? Ok, fine.

"It's worth it," he said. "All the money is going to charity, and obviously, it's bringing new business to Papa John's. Even though there is a line, I think it's pretty cool. ... Twenty-three cents, you can't beat it."

a) It's not worth it, by any objective or subjective measure (as determined by me).
b) Pat yourself on the back, Pat. You're donating $0.23 to charity, or 0.0000002% (no joke) of the 2005 FY revenue of Doctors Without Borders.
c) Why do you care about the financial success of the Papa John's corporation?

"As I got closer, I was like, 'Oh, boy. This is going to be nuts,'" he said.

"This"="I"; "is going to be"="am"; "nuts"="a stupid cunt"

Labels: Cleveland Cavaliers, Doctors Without Borders; rehashing stories that everyone's already heard about, elitism that will come back to haunt me later, LeBron James, Papa John's, Washington Wizards

Alright, so maybe I'm a colossal hypocrite (I think you already knew that anyway), but I thought an immature audience like ours would be entertained by this quote from Toby Hall, which came amidst a sprawling explanation for his idea that White Sox players dye their facial hair pink for Mother's Day (...Keep in mind why words are put in brackets in press quotes):

"Everybody coming out and appreciating moms and [recognizing] breast [cancer] awareness," Hall said. "It's a good day."

Ok, I guess it was funnier when I heard it on the WGN News segment last night (which has been cut down to only include Nick Swisher's sound bite on the WGN website). But admit it--You all laughed. ...Bunch of toddlers.

Labels: Chicago White Sox, MLB, Nick Swisher, Toby Hall

I haven't been keeping very good track of sports lately, and I've spent even less time watching ESPN than I'd like. However, I put on the TV for a few minutes tonight to catch some Baseball Tonight on the original ESPN and other highlights on ESPN-News during the commercials.

And I was totally annoyed within five minutes.

Honestly, I do not exaggerate. Within five minutes, these ESPN networks referenced four -- yes, four -- Elias Sports Bureau-like stats. Moreover, they tried to interpret these stats with comments like, "Well, look at the company that Cliff Lee is in."

Here are the stats that were so important to mention and so noteworthy as to further interpret:
1. The Yankees-Indians game was the first time that two 5-0 pitchers playing for sub-.500 teams matched up. Who cares?
2. Joey Votto was only the 4th first baseman of all time to hit 3 HR's in a single game while under the age of 26. Moreover, he was the only first baseman to accomplish that feat while also stealing a base in the game. Of course, the commentators made a big deal out of it because only Pujols, McCovey, and Frank Robinson had done it too. Obviously, Joey Votto is headed toward the Hall of Fame. Indisputable.
3. Cliff Lee is one of only a handful of pitchers in X number of years to start the season 6-0 and with a sub-1.00 ERA. Again, big deal. Some guys have started seasons well in the past. However, these "some guys" included Randy Johnson, Roger Clemens, and Pedro Martinez. Now all of the sudden, Cliff Lee is the ace of the next decade (which he actually may be, I don't know).
4. Finally, tonight somebody had 5 hits in a game including a walk-off game winner. Did you know only 4 players have accomplished that feat in the past two seasons? Really, I'm not kidding! Fortunately, the elite company in this category included Mark DeRosa, so nobody spent a whole lot of time talking about how great these players were. Nonetheless, this stat, with the others, was just totally annoying.

By the way, if you hadn't heard, I'm the first resident of my apartment under the age of 27 to ever have stayed up until 3 AM and then practiced with a rock'n'roll band the following day. I'm serious... no one else has done it. That feat puts me in some pretty elite company, eh?

Labels: Elias, ESPN, stupid stats

Okay, maybe this joke would be overplayed. However, I am indeed a simple mind that would be easily entertained, and besides this site would be awesome. Also, his scouting report comes straight from the profile of players that Jerry Krause drafted.

Labels: can some team please hire Isiah Thomas to draft this kid, overplayed jokes

There is a group looking to generate support for a joint Israel-Palestine bid to host the 2018 FIFA World Cup. I can't really tell if this is a joke or serious. On the surface, the effort appears to be a joke, but as The Simpsons would have it, "If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework." The group has a relatively slick website, a professional-looking politically conscious promo video, and apparently a fair number of supporters. So perhaps they're only half-kidding.

1. It's Israel and Palestine. They have a hard enough time working together on advanced initiatives like "NOT blowing up busses full of kids" or "NOT detaining people who don't speak Hebrew as 'medium risk threats'. "


2. It's still Israel and Palestine.


3. Half the "proposed stadiums" appear to have been proposed BY THIS GROUP.


4. One of the sites, Mitzpe Ramon, is in the middle of the desert. The fucking desert. Two hours from anywhere. The town has a population of 5,500, and this group is talking about building a 55,000-seat stadium. So fortunately, every resident of the town will have 10 seats to themselves to stretch out. Fun-with-math Side Note: Were Chicago to build a stadium with similar capacity relative to its population, it would seat 28 million people.


5. The bidding process for the 2018 World Cup is set to be the most competitive ever. With the World Cup ending its "rotation" policy, which brought the World Cup to places that probably didn't deserve it (South Africa 2010, Brazil 2014, etc.) FIFA will be looking to make a huge profit on this World Cup. England, the United States, Australia, Canada, Russia, China, Mexico, Greece, Spain-Portugal, and Holland-Belgium-Luxembourg are all expected to bid. England, USA, Spain-Portugal, and Australia should be the front-runners. Solid bids from China and Russia could well fall in the "also-ran" category. Israel-Palestine, if legit, does not have a chance.


6. Israel's team doesn't even PLAY Palestine, or any Arab country for that matter. Arab countries refuse to play against Israel, as a form of protest over Israel's existence.

So....Good luck with that Israel-Palestine 2018... It's got about as good a chance of working out as your more pressing issues.

Labels: FIFA World Cup, Yellow Chair Politics

So wait--black people go boating?

Labels: crass, racism

Oh man... I wait all year for this. Most people don't know this about me, but I'm a huge fan of thoroughbred racing. I love the ponies. Can't get enough of them. Got the OTB in MyFaves and MyCircle.

The Kentucky Derby... the tradition... the pageantry... the majesty...

That Bob Costas really knows to paint a picture with words. Wow. What a man. Hey--did you all catch Hef and his ladies on the red carpet? Man, what a "stud" that guy is. (Horse racing joke there.) Two young "phillies" on the arm of an 82 year-old. What a country!

We're here with trainer Richard Dutrow Jr....

Wow, look at all those big hats! And everyone's drinking mint juleps. As big a racing fan as I am, I don't think I've ever had one, but they sound sorta gross. I wonder if they serve Mike's Hard Lemonade there. I know that's what I'd be getting. The only thing minty I'll ever drink is Schnapps or mouthwash.

...Legendary jockey Kent Desormeaux...

Wait... when does this thing actually start? I thought it was 4:00. They must've changed the time on me. They said the track is fast this year. Maybe we'll see a record today. Oh, Vince McMahon is at the race, too. I wonder who his money's on. Definitely a guy who knows a good stable. (That's a wrestling joke.)

The horses are beginning to walk out...

Wow, this is really taking forever. Oh, I wonder how the Cubs are doing doing.... oh good, still up. Alright back to the Derby.

TNT... We know drama.

Crap. Hit the wrong channel. Nice! Varsity Blues. Man, that Coach Kilmer is such an ass. Oh yeah, this is the part where Moxon calls the audible, and they score so Coach gets all pissed. Great scene. Ok... Derby time.

There's a 25 mile-per-hour wind that will be blowing against the horses as they come down the stretch...

Hmm. Maybe we won't see that record. When is it gonna be post time already? Nice... Cubs are up 9-3 now. They must have come ready to play today. Did you see Sweet Lou blow his top the other day? Wow, that was something. Ok, back to the Derby.

I mean... I love my broker. I've known him for years...

These "Talk to Chuck" commercials--you know, these ones with the real people talking but they sort of look like cartoons--they freak me out. Hey, I wonder if Varsity Blues is still on.

I'm gonna go find someone who can sell us some weed...

Oh, nice! Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle! Love this movie! This is the part where they're at Princeton and they meet those two hot twins. Haha, and now the security guard just busted them for smoking up in the dorm. Oh, and this is the part where Neil Patrick Harris steals their car! This movie rules. Hahaha.... They got the escaped cheetah high! Man, that would be so awesome to get an animal high, like a dog or a horse--Oh my god, the Derby!

We're here with Kent Desormeaux in the winner's circle...

Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

...And of course, tragedy today, as Eight Belles had to be euthanized...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I loved that horse!!! Oh well... back to Harold and Kumar. Sweet! This is where they hang glide off that cliff. I should go buy a hang glider. That seems like a fun hobby. I should buy some weed, too. Oh shit, phone's ringing... gotta go. Later.

Labels: Kent Desormeaux, Kentucky Derby, stupid

There's this relief pitcher currently pitching for a major league team. For now, let's call him... "Woody Kerr." Through 13 appearance's here's "Woody's" stat line:

14.0 IP, 10 H, 3 BB, 13 K

I think most people would look at that and say, "Hey, that's a pretty good start." I'd like that guy in my bullpen."

However, due to some unfortunate timing, this pitcher has allowed those ten hits and three walks in such a sequence that they have allowed other teams to make up a three-run-or-less(-unless-there's-more-than-one-man-on-base-in-which-case-it-can-be-a-four-or-five-run)-in-the-seventh-inning-or-later deficit on three occasions.

How should one interpret these circumstances? Well, there's a few ways to look at it. Either A) the pitcher has run into some bad luck; B) he doesn't pitch as well from the stretch and is susceptible to "the wheels coming off" once he allows a baserunner; C) it's too early to make a judgment; or D) he's a no-good, cocksucking, ass-grabbing choke artist piece of shit.

Anyone wanna take a wild guess which interpretation Jay Mariotti subscribes to?

Truth be known, if Kerry Wood simply had done his job Thursday, Lou Piniella wouldn't be melting down on YouTube again and Alfonso Soriano wouldn't be called a $136-million wallflower. A closer's lapses tend to bring a team's ills to life, and given another shot to prove he's a reliable finisher, Wood instead hit the first batter and allowed two warning-track lasers that weren't caught.

Boom. Right there. He was hurt yesterday by some poor defense (which in this case, still counted against his hit and earned run totals). You could argue that Wood was still giving up solid contact and can't always expect his defense to bail him out. Or you could say that it wasn't totally Wood's fault.

Yes, Kerry Wood has plunked three guys so far, which ups his baserunner total to 16 in 14 innings. Again--not bad at all. If he were putting up numbers like Franciso Liriano's right now, I'd be concerned. But he's not.

I realize Cubdom is rooting for him more than a late-innings beer vendor. I understand he's an inspirational presence, having survived 11 disabled-list trips and coming within a day of retiring last year. There would be no better sight at Wrigley than watching Wood close out the World Series, the personification of 21st-century Cubbie woe bringing home the unthinkable dream.

This doesn't really have to do with any argument I may or may not be making, but I will defend Kerry Wood until my dying day. ("Kerry Wood was great, I tell ya." "Grandpa! No one cares about your dinosaur baseball players from the 1900s! We're gonna go watch the Speed Stacking Championship now, ok? That's a real sport." "Achh. No-nothing punks.")

Maybe he was a little stubborn about changing his delivery to avert injury in his younger days, but if I had his OBA and K/9IP rate, my ulna would have to be protruding my skin before I'd change my approach.

But those 11 trips to the DL later, Wood keeps doing everything he needs to continue doing something he loves. He's changed his motion, taken a huge drop in salary, gotten in shape, changed his diet, and accepted relief duty without complaining--all while the Chicago media has dragged him through the mud for getting hurt too much (as if he were trying to) and being paid too much for not pitching.

But the former Kid K has become Kid BS, as in blown save

I used to be known around my office as "Boy-Genius Wunderkind," but then the other day, I misspelled "chlorofluorohydrocarbons" in an email, and now everyone just calls me "Dumbfuck-Face." So I know the feeling.

botching his third of seven opportunities in a ghastly 4-3 loss to the Brewers. His latest collapse -- three hits, a walk, a plunked batter, three earned runs and a wickedly sour taste -- was a mirror image of his Opening Day flop against the same division rivals. The differences between Wood and other big-league closers are many, including the fact he's a neophyte in the role and seems capable of an injury breakdown on any pitch.

Through Eric Gagne's first three years in the majors, he had exactly ten relief appearances and zero saves before rattling off the three straight years of sub-1.00 WHIP, 12+ K/9IP, and--if dumb stats are your thing--45+ saves.

Jose Mesa went into 1999 with 105 saves and a ton of career relief appearances and proceeded to put up a 1.81 WHIP and 6 Ks/9IP.

Oh yeah... Closer experience is super important. (And yes, that's super cherry-picked anecdotal evidence, but give me a break. It's a Friday lunch break post.)

The major difference, though, is that a better man for the position works in the same bullpen.

Carlos Marmol is his name.

[skip skip skip]

It was [Marmol's] eighth held lead in a season in which he has a 1.42 ERA and two saves. In 19 innings, Marmol has struck out 27 -- I repeat, 27 -- and walked five.

Of course, anyone who knows anything about baseball (particularly people who know a great deal about baseball) realize that this is excellent bullpen management. Marmol--the best pitcher in the Cubs' bullpen since early last season and the pitcher most likely to get a strikeout--is being used in the highest leverage situations. If that happens to be a save situation, whatever--it doesn't really matter.

If you're going to designate a certain guy as "the closer" (i.e. a guy that comes in with the bases empty to start the ninth with a lead), it should not be the best reliever on the roster if this is the primary situation for which you intend to use him. That guy should ostensibly be your second- or third-best reliever (which Kerry is on the Cubs, I'd say), and your best guy should be used in the highest-leverage situations--save situation or not.

But the Cubs insist they'll keep knocking on Wood, force-feeding a fairy tale that lacks hope at the moment.

Dumb pun that doesn't really make sense--check. Poor judgment--check. Unsubstantiated speculation--check check double check.

Think the newly bald Carlos Zambrano, who lost a shot at his fifth win as he tries to challenge Arizona's Brandon Webb in the early Cy Young Award race, isn't smarting today?

Some other discussion topics equally relevant as Cy Young voting on May 2:
-Christmas shopping
-The price of firewood
-John Madden
-back-to-school sales
-Jack-o-lanterns
-Sledding
-Mittens

Why do the Brewers trail the Cubs by only a game in the National League Central? Why has Milwaukee taken four of six in the season series? I'd suggest that Eric Gagne, after a ragged start, now has nine saves for the Brew Crew.

That might be the dumbest suggestion since Jerry suggested Babu close down the Dream Cafe and reopen it as a Pakistani restaurant. (Actually, the more you think about it, that was a pretty good idea. Business was floundering anyway, and he had no market differentiation. Maybe people just weren't as willing to embrace exotic cuisine in 1992 as they are now. In hindsight, it didn't work out, but that was no reason for Babu to be such a prick about it.)

As it is, Piniella already is knocking over Gatorade jugs in the dugout, signaling that frustration is now a factor in Year 100 since the last World Series championship. Waiting on Wood to perfect the role, when he never should have been given the opportunity, is officially the No. 1 cause of stress in Cubdom.

This is simply idiotic. What says he shouldn't have? John Smoltz was immediately excellent after switching from starter to ninth inning guy. So was Gagne. So was Tom Gordon. So was Dennis Eckersley. And Goose Gossage. And probably a bunch of other guys that don't immediately come to mind.

We're talking about 16 baserunners in 14 IP. Before yesterday--Wood's first really bad outing--that was 11 in 13. Yes, he's only 4 for 7 in saves, but saves are stupid and arbitrary, and it wouldn't surprise me to see Wood go 15 for his next 15. Nor would it surprise me to see him blow three more in his next seven opportunities.

So in conclusion... I don't know. Whatever. It's 14 innings of work. It's a couple blown leads. Chill out.

(Oh, and if you hadn't already guessed it, "Woody Kerr" is actually.... wait for it... Kerry Wood!)

Labels: Chicago Cubs, Jay Mariotti, Kerry Wood, weird clumsy Joni Mitchell references, weird clumsy Seinfeld references