Real Men's Football Preview

Well, at least that's what the steel belt workers guzzling their Sterlings down claim. Now if Gavin ever gets off his ass and makes his Northern predictions, feel free to delete this drivel.

NFC North(Well, at least NFL offices still claim this to be a professional football division)
1. Da Bears
While sweeping the nation with the T formation, the Bears will once again prove to be the tallest midget in this dreadful division. While ole Rex will once again start the season at QB, Jerry Angelo finally took it upon himself to acquire a legitimate NFL QB behind when the inevitable happens and Grossman is carted off the field. While Brian Griese won't make people forget his Hall of Fame father Bob, he will be able to a solid caretaker in making such the Bears offense doesn't blow games. The RB tandem of Thomas Jones and the hatable Cedric Benson should give Da Bears a strong ground game again, allowing Lovie to once again control the clock. Moose Muhammad will take his Metamucil and still provide whoever's manning the ship behind center a proven NFL receiver. And well, that's at least one capable WR. The defense will once again look great thanks to their division foes. While Carolina and Cincinnati both exposed the Bears defense to be very beatable, a key ingredient would a quality quarterback. Fortunately for the Monsters of the Midway, Captain Checkdown, Please Retire Already and You Actually Have Another Starting QB Job will not be able to shred the Bears D like Carson Palmer and Jake Delhomme did last season. Still, whoever Charles Tillman covers will be in line for a career best game. Once again, DT Tommie Harris and LB's Brian Urlacher and Lance Briggs will ensure that teams will not run the ball against Da Bears. Also, look for Deltha O'Neal clone Nathan Vasher to continue to make big plays and not be exposed as an average cornerback with teams targeting his more overhyped partner in crime. And while we're at, let's get same cart that will take Grossman off the field and have Mike Brown hitch a ride. Despite these weaknesses, the Bears should still comfortably win the NFC North once again.

Projected Record: 10-6

2. Minnesota Vikings
Anyone expecting big things from the Vikes needs to remember Brad Johnson is still their starting QB. An annual competitor for the Chad Pennington weakest arm competition, Captain Checkdown will make sure that the Vikes will be good for 5 yards on 3 and 8. With the acquisition of Steve Hutchinson and the return of Matt Birk, the Purple People Eaters will run the ball well. Look for Chester Taylor to emerge as the next Ravens running back who gets out of the shadow of Jamal Lewis and breaks out. With KoRo falling off the wagon again, their receiving core actually may be worse than the Bears. Troy Williamson may show flashes, but his biggest strength, catching the deep ball, happens to be Mr. Johnson's weakness. Once again, the defense looks solid on paper with DT Kevin Williams, CB Antoine Winfield and S Darren Sharper. Still, with 75 percent of receivers schooling Fred Smoot, the D will give up big plays. Also, in a potential sign of things to come, first round pick LB Chad Greenway will miss the 2006 season with a Torn ACL. A team that wouldn't surprise you if they 5 won or 9 games, the Vikes will not make many on the field headlines. Now, if only Lake Minnetonka could be free during their bye week.

Projected Record: 7-9

3. Detroit Lions
A team in dire need of some discipline, Rod Marinelli may light a fire under the Pussycats. Still, years of irreparable damage will not be fixed this quickly. They have already cut Charles Rogers, and Mike Williams may be one Oreo short of a pink slip himself. At 75 years old, Jon Kitna will once again be called upon to turn around a moribund franchise. If he has time to get the ball out, Roy Williams should finally shows signs of becoming the dominant receiver he's capable of becoming. Also, while everyone has written off Kevin Jones, he did rush for 800+ yards in the second half of the 2004 season. In a much more stable situation, Jones will overcome his sopohomore slump and give the Lions a solid ball carrier. Of course, he may be at the mercy of new offensive coordinator Mike Martz, who feels that establishing the run is considered a crime. However, expect Marinelli to force Martz to call more runs than he wants to. Kalimba Edwards and crew will try to evoke the memories of Robert Porcher, but Marinelli has a long way to go in establishing a Bucs style defense in the Motor City. You can count on Dre Bly catching his 5 interceptions in 35-10 blowouts, and Ernie Sims to get another concussion. The offense may be respectable this season, but the D will ensure the Lions will have another top 10 pick to blow.

Projected Record: 5-11

4. Green Bay Packers
I thought it couldn't get worse for Pack this season, then I watched the Bengals torch them in the only preseason game where everyone tries. Brett Favre will be good for about 10 highlight reel throws, and then 15 boneheaded forces into triple coverage. Unfortuntately, this will be another case where an athlete hangs on too many years and your final memories of him don't do justice do his greatness. Ahman Green returns for another 3 yards and a cloud of dust. Most importantly for the Pack, they have to replace Mike Wahle and Marco Rivera on the interior of the offensive line. Making things worse, tackles Chad Clifton and Mark Tauscher both have started to show signs of declining play. Aaron Rodgers better be ready to play, because there's a good chance this is the year Favre finally succumbs to a big hit. Even with Favre being a shell of his former self, Donald Driver has quietly become of the NFL's top flite receivers. While not having the best measurables, DD just finds a way to make plays, and it helps that Favre will throw him the ball no matter the situation. Greg Jennings looks to be a nice piece for the future, but he will not be able to replace the playmaking abilities of Javon Walker this season. The D looks even worse, with Charles Woodson doing his best turnstile impersination whenever he steps on the field. CB Al Harris and MLB Nick Barnett have become quality NFL players, but cannot make up for the lack of talent around them. A.J. Hawk should become a playmaker in time, but may be a year or two away from doing so. A favorite in the Adrian Peterson derby, the Frozen Tundra of Lambeau Field will not be home to vintage Packers football this season.

Projected Record: 4-12

AFC North:
1. Pittsburgh Steelers
The Super Bowl Champions come into the season with a legitimate chance to defend their crown. If he can ever find the field, Ben Roethlisberger should catapult himself into the list of elite NFL QB's this season. Big Ben will be given more of a chance to throw this season, especially in the red zone with Jerome Bettis now in the broadcast booth. Willie Parker will continue to break big runs, and has become one of the best running backs between the 20's in the NFL. Hines Ward will still be rock solid, and Heath Miller looks to be the real deal at tight end. If Santonio Holmes can stay out of jail, he will eventually replace Antwaan Randle El as the Steelers big play guy. With Joey Porter already in midseason form, the Steelers D will continue to nastier than a Minnesota winter. Ike Taylor has become one of the NFL's best cover corners, and Troy Polamalu continues to be in the right place at the right time. Barring injury, the Steelers should comfortably sail into the playoffs to defend their title.

Projected Record: 12-4

2. Cincinnati Bengals
Despite their offseason being featured on America's Most Wanted, the Bengals look ready to build on last season's division winning season. After last season's freak knee injury in the playoffs, Carson Palmer made a ridiculous comeback and should build on last season's effort of 3,800 yards and 32 td's. Rudi Johnson will pund the ball down defense's throats and Chris Perry will provide a nice change of pace. Their receiving core is among the NFL's best with Chad 'Johnson, T.J. Houshmanzadeh and Chris Henry. The loudmouth, unpronouncable last name and convicted criminal will cause even the best defenses nightmares. I'm really looking for Henry to break out, as his continued employment despite four offseason arrests indicate how much the Bengals must really like him. What holds the Bengals back from joining the NFL elite is a defense that can't stop teams, especially the run game. Typical for their offseason, MLB Odell Thurman will miss the first four games of the NFL season due to a violation of the NFL's substance abuse program. The secondary led by CB Tory James and S Madieu Williams will make big plays, but also will be succeptible to the big play themselves. If DE Justin Smith and OLB David Pollack can provide a pass rush, the Bengals may be able to contain offenses enough to win games. Like the Colts, the offense will always keep the Bengals in games, but the D will not be good enough to compete with the elite teams like the Steelers. In a couple of years, the Bengals should be ready for a return to the Super Bowl, but they are not quite there yet

Projected Record: 9-7

3. Baltimore Ravens
While the media always expects these old times to do well, most fans realize that time has passed these old fogeys by. Honestly, the acquisition of Steve McNair may set this franchise back a couple of years, as Kyle Boller really looked ready to return the consiberable investment the Ravens spent on him. Instead, to appease thier fans, they picked up the veteran in McNair for the magical one last run. Now, Boller should get a chance to prove himself when McNair misses his customary 3 or 4 games. The running back situation looks even uglier, with Jamal Lewis never able to recover from the pounding of his 2,000 yard season. Outside of running back heaven in Denver, Mike Anderson will likely be exposed as a slow old guy assisted by the NFL's best blocking system. Whoever throws them the ball will have a nice set of receiving options in Derrick Mason, Todd Heap and Mark Clayton. Heap may have a career season with McNair, known for his reliance on tight ends, throwing him the ball. Mason should be good for another 80 catches and 1,000+ yards, and Clayton may be the big play threat their offense has been lacking. Still, in order for them to make plays, their offensive line needs to give the QB time. As with the rest of the team, this unit has not aged gracefully and will be the reason why the Ravens will not meet expectations again. The defense will still be a solid unit, but not the dominant force of their heyday. MLB Ray Lewis has lost a couple of steps, and once your play starts to decline, it is generally a steep slope downward. LB/DE Terrell Suggs can rush the passer, but much like KGB he's a one trick pony. CB Chris McAllister still sits at one of the best at his position, but he alone cannot stop a passing game. S Ed Reed is one of the NFL's best when healthy, but his recurring injury problems have kept him out of the line-up way too often. Much like my fantasy football team, the Ravens have no upside this season and will likely hover around .500 all year long.

Projected Record: 7-9

4. Cleveland Browns
Their hopes of them being a surprise team this season tore apart when LeCharles Bentley's patella tendon ruptured in the first practice of training camp. Bentley would have anchored the interior of the Browns offensive line, but now that unit looks to struggle again this season. RB Reuben Droughns has put together back to back 1,200 seasons, but at some point the NFL will catch on and finally stop him. Droughns does not possess much elusiveness and will struggle when defenses start keying on him. The passing game could be fairly potent with young QB Charlie Frye slinging the ball to young guns Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards. If both have fully recovered after serious knee injuries, they could give the Browns their best duo of playmakers since Webster Slaughter and Michael Jackson. Also, Joe Jurevicius gives the Browns a solid underneath target and solid option in the redzone. The defense will be improved under Romeo Crennel, but still will not be a dominant unit. OLB's Willie McGinest and first round pick Kamerion Wimbley will provide a semblance of a pass rush for a team that has had major trouble in getting to the QB. Their secondary of solid players like CB Gary Baxter and S Brian Russell will pose a tough challenge for Hines Wards and Chad Johnsons. This is a team that will compete hard, but may still be a few pieces away from being a playoff challenger.

Projected Record: 6-10