Ladies And Gentlemen, The 2006 YCSPYs!

Remember Sunday night, watching the ESPYs, thinking "man, these are gay. Some asshole bloggers should get off their do-nothing duffs and do an hilarious satire of this stupid awards show."

You're in luck, friend. We are in fact those bloggers, and this is in fact that hilarity. Roll out the red carpet, baby!

Larry Bowa Award for Most Inept Coach
Nominees:
Quin Snyder, Mizzou Men's Basketball
Dusty Baker, Chicago Cubs
Ozzie Guillen, Chicago White Sox
Mike Tice, Minnesota Vikings

And the YCSPY goes to...Quin Snyder, Missouri Men's basketball. I'd make a hilarious quip here but I don't follow college basketball and I voted for Mike Tice.

Steve Phillips Award for Worst General Manager
Nominees:
Isiah Thomas, New York Knicks
Matt Millen, Detroit Lions
Jerry Angelo, Chicago Bears
Steve Phillips, ESPN

And the YCSPY goes to...Isiah Thomas, soon-to-be-former New York Knicks GM. Come on, did you really expect anyone else to win this one?

Lawrence Phillips Award for Most Mischevious Chemically Altered Athlete of the Year
Nominees:
Santonio Holmes, Ohio State Buckeyes/Pittsburgh Steelers
Rick Sutcliffe, ESPN
Kyle Orton, Chicago Bears
Bode Miller, USA Skiing
The Cincinnati Bengals Offseason

And the YCSPY goes to...Kyle "Neck Beard" Orton, Chicago Bears. This year Kyle only has to sober up for practice since he's behind both Rex Grossman and Brian Griese on the depth chart. You know what that means, mothers in the Chicagoland area - lock up your daughters and hide the Jack.

1942 New York Mets Award for Worst Team of the Year
Nominees:
Kansas City Royals
New York Knicks
Houston Texans
ESPN Baseball Tonight Hosts (Steve Phillips, Joe Morgan, Jon Kruk, Harold Reynolds, et al)
Yellow Chair Sports Writing Staff

And the YCSPY goes to...The Kansas City Royals. Play along at home and make up your own joke here. I'm not some damn clown here to crack jokes and amuse you. And I'm certainly not a Killer Clown From Outer Space.

Ken Harrelson Award for Truly Awful Work in the Field of Broadcasting
Nominees:
FOX Saturday Baseball: Joe Buck & Tim McCarver
FOX NFL Football: Joe Buck, Chris Collinsworth, Troy Aikman
ESPN Sunday Night Baseball: Joe Morgan & an undeserving John Miller
ESPN Sunday Night Football: Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann, Paul McGuire
ESPN College Pasketball: Mike Patrick et al
WGN: Len Kasper & Bob Brenly

And the YCSPY goes to...It's a tie! This year, we're proud to recognize the terrible work of FOX's Joe Buck & Tim McCarver and ESPN's Joe Morgan. John Miller, we hope that next year your agent will have found you a better broadcast partner. Like, seriously, anyone.

The Magic Hour Award for Worst Studio Show
Nominees:
Baseball Tonight
FOX NFL Sunday
NFL Live (specifically Sean Salisbury and Merrill Hodge)
The Fat Guy and the Broad on FOX before baseball games

And the YCSPY goes to...The Fat Guy and the Broad from FOX. Congratulations, whoever the hell you two are. Seriously, I think these people are both close friends of Rupert Murdoch, because they don't offer anything to anyone as far as I can tell.

Charles Barkley Award for Most Annoying Athlete
Nominees:
Terrell Owens, Philadelphia Eagles/Dallas Cowboys
Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants
Bode Miller, USA Skiing

And the YCSPY goes to...Terrell Owens/TO. Congratulations on the new book, TO. You've got to admit, there's nothing more fun than watching an asshole millionare do pushups in his driveway in front of about 50 reporters with nothing else to do.

I Don't Know Who To Name This After Award for Most Disappointing Team
Nominees:
Michigan State Men's Basketball
Indianapolis Colts
San Antonio Spurs
Yellow Chair Sports Writing Staff
Cleveland Indians
Detroit Pistons

And the YCSPY goes to...The Indianapolis Colts. Like an abusive husband, year after year they get your hopes up, act nice for the entirity of the regular season and then BAM, they punch you in your back-talking, dinner-burning face, Brett Myers style. And what do you do? Cry a little, call the Colts an asshole and then end up refusing to press charges. Stop crying about it and just divorce the Colts immediately, it's not like they'll get custody of the kids. Get out now, girlfriend.

Scott Norwood Award for Biggest Playoff Meltdown
Nominees:
The Deadbeat Dad Indianapolis Colts
Brad Lidge
Detroit Pistons
2006 Detroit Tigers (come on, you know it's gonna happen)

And the YCSPY goes to...Another Tie! Clearly we don't have enough voters. So shut up, and we'll give it to both Brad Lidge and The Colts. Lidge's meltdown has been much more longlasting, though, while it's pretty much just par for the course with the Colts.

Bob Ryan Award for Public Relations
Nominees:
Ozzie Guillen, Chicago White Sox
Marco Materazzi, Italian Soccer
Kenny Rogers, Kenny Rogers Roasters

And the YCSPY goes to...The Oz Man. This was the closest thing to a landslide that we had, with even Zuch voting for crazy ass Ozzie Guillen. However, Sever's soccer lobbyists must have gotten to Vinnie, because he voted for Materazzi. What a [expletive] fag.

Rocky Marciano Award for Greatest White Hype
Nominees:
Adam Morrison
Drinkin' J.J. Reddick
Steve Nash
Dirk Nowitzki

From Coming to America: "Oh, there they go. There they go. Every time I start talkin' 'bout boxing, a white man got to pull Rocky Marciano out their ass. That's their one, that's their one. Rocky Marciano! Rocky Marciano!"

And the YCSPY goes to...Adam Morrison. Also, I'd like to congratulate all the YCS staff members that made the same lame "Morrison wins by a stashe" joke when they sent in their ballots for being totally lame.

Olympics Award for Most Feigned Interest in a Sports Story
Nominees:
Winter Olympics
Barbaro's Health Saga
Return of the NHL
The World Cup following USA being knocked out (even before that, let's be honest)

And the YCSPY goes to...Barbaro's Health Saga. Matt Zuchowski put it best when he said, "unless you're a horny mare or the Elmer's Glue Factory, you honestly don't give a shit about that horse." Amen.

The We're All Childish Misogynists Award for Best Female Athlete
Nominees:
That chick who drives the racecar
That Asian golfer girl
That smokin' hot Russian tennis player (no, not Kournikova but that new one)
That girl who fell off her skateboard or snowboard or whatever dey call those things (either way, she's a fox)

And the YCSPY goes to...That smokin' hot Russian tennis player.

From The Simpsons:
[Guy ogling Marge after she got breast implants]: "Hey lady, I like the way your body looks!"

Duke Men's Basketball Award for Team Most Over-Hyped by the Media
Nominees:
US World Cup Team
Indianapolis Colts Playoff Chances
Detroit Pistons

And the YCSPY goes to...The US World Cup Team. Sever will be pleased, we talked about soccer.

Bode Miller Award for Most Over-Hyped Athlete
Nominees:
Danica Patrick
Bode Miller
Michelle Wie
Ozzie Guillen
Mario Williams

And the YCSPY goes to...Danica Patrick. However, she's still foxy, and you can't over-hype foxiness.

Chad Moeller Hitting for the Cycle in 2004 Award for Biggest Fluke of the Year
Nominees:
George Mason's Final Four Run
Ozzie Guillen
Gary Payton Not Being a Dick for the Entire Season
Jeff Fancouer's Rookie Season
Chad Moeller's Cycle In 2004

And the YCSPY goes to...George Mason Men's Basketball. Also, I hate them forever for making me have to watch a bunch of shit in March about the real George Mason.

Ty Cobb Lifetime Achievement Award for Being an Unconscionable Asshole in Sport
Nominees:
Barry Bonds
Terrell Owens
Marco Materazzi
Ozzie Guillen

And the YCSPY goes to...Terrell Owens. Stand and applaud, Jeff Garcia, Steve Mariucci, Donovan McNabb, Andy Reid and Bill Parcells and anyone who's ever met, played with, coached or seen this guy on TV.

Mike Tyson Award for Classiest Move by an Athlete
Nominees:
Delmon Young throwing a bat at an umpire
Brett Myers punching his wife in the face
Wayne Rooney stamping on some guy's groin during a game
Kenny Rogers' cameraman shenannigans
Everything Marcus Vick has done in the past calendar year

And the YCSPY goest to...Delmon Young. You've got to admit, that was one of the coolest/most hilarious things you've ever seen.

Special Awards

Award for Most Fraudulent Athlete: Jason Giambi. Remember when he was terrible last year after he had to get off steroids? That's why they make HGH, kids. God bless untestable substances!

Roy Munson Award for Screwing Up Your Entire Life in an Incredibly Brief Amount of Time: Marcus Vick. Gunslinging quarterback was "on a gravy train with biscuit wheels," and threw it all away just for the chance to step on Elvis Dumervil.

Congratulations to the winners! We'll see you next year, when we'll be hosted by Billy Crystal. Maybe Lance Armstrong will make some "left nut" jokes too, if you're lucky.

To those who didn't win: well, in the words of Ozzie, "play better next year." That means you, Travis Hafner.

Good Night!