Rick Morrissey: At Last, a Hatred to Rival That Which I Feel for Skip Bayless

Today's installment of Rick's collumn "In the Wake of the News" (not to be confused with his blog, "Shut Your Fucking Face; I'm Smarter than You") is about the Ben Wallace signing. It's called:

"Gritty Wallace the answer to Bulls' manhunt"

Oo-ooh! "Gritty" the first word of the title? Is today my birthday?

Well, I'm dancing already. Let's do this.

It took about eight years, but the Bulls finally got what they were looking for.

A man.

Personally, I always thought Fred Hoiberg was pretty manly, so I'm not sure what he means. Let's see where this goes.

Not a kid in adult's clothing. Not someone in need of tutoring. Not someone whose currency is his upside.

A man.

What is the dollar-to-upside exchange rate these days, anyway?

Fear the 'Fro? No, Fear the Pro.

[silence]

I don't know if the Bulls are instant championship contenders now that Ben Wallace has agreed to a four-year contract.

You don't know lots of things, Rick Morrissey.

I just know that they no longer lead the NBA in prom-eligible players.

The lameness of this joke(?) speaks for itself, but it's worth noting that it also makes no sense. Could players be "prom-eligible(??)" to begin with, why would the addition of one older player vault another team into the lead of this category? Even if he were implying that it means the departure of Tyson--

Forget it. This clearly isn't worth it.

I know they will be defined by Wallace rather than coach Scott Skiles. When your grittiest performer is the guy in the suit and tie barking out instructions from the bench, it's not the best thing. They tried Charles Oakley. They tried Scottie Pippen. They tried Antonio Davis. All of the players the Bulls brought in for leadership over the last several years were well beyond their prime.

Since Rick is pretty clearly setting up to laud John Paxon for signing Ben Wallace, it's important to note that Pippen and Davis were both Paxon acquisitions. Also, Davis played pretty damn well while he was there--which was the reason the Bulls acquired him in the first place. He wasn't brought in as some symbolic beacon of "leadership" and "veteran savvy" for the young guys.

He was brought in to play well, and that's what he did.

It's one thing to stroke your whiskers and tell young players how you used to do it. It's another to knock the opposing center silly going for a rebound. Wallace will lead by example, by playing well, by sweating.

Lots of guys on the Bulls already do this. In fact, most of them. And if it's physical play and intensity you want, Andres Nocioni is probably considered one of the most physical and intense players in the entire league. How is Ben Wallace's example any different? More whiskers?

And his teammates had better behave.

Ok, just stop now, Rick. This fatherly caricature has gone about as far as you can take it.

You know what Bulls players should say every time Wallace walks into the locker room?

Papa's home.

I spoke too soon.

It's time for them to do their chores.

Way too soon.

No more letdowns. No more disappearing acts against inferior opponents. No more worrying about who's starting and who's taking the shots. That means you, Ben Gordon.

No more being young. That means you, Kirk Hinrich, Luol Deng and Chris Duhon. Youth as a defense doesn't work anymore in this court of law. It's time.

Papa's home. Court is in session. It's 10pm; do you know where your young players are? "Honorable Officer Wallace, sir...have mercy on me, Dad!"

Rick--if you're gonna use a shitty cliche, pick ONE and STICK WITH IT, JACKASS.

OK, take a breath, Time for a moment of restraint.

Yes! My favorite part of a Rick Morrissey column--when he gets all patronizing and tries to counsel us small-minded readers!

The Bulls don't have the combination of scorers Detroit does in Richard Hamilton and Chauncey Billups. Remember, they often wondered how they were going to get points last season.

The Bulls were 13th in the NBA in scoring last year. Not spectacular, not bad. (Some would call it "average" instead of saying what it's not. I prefer to waste space with useless words.)

If "wonder" insinuates--and I believe it does--that the source of the Bulls' points on any given night was uncertain because of their highly-distributed scoring attack, did this uncertainty necessarily hurt their scoring production? Didn't Ben Gordon score like crazy in games where the situation warranted last year? And how much did their uncertain point distribution really differ from the Pistons'?

Pistons top six scorers:
Hamilton 20.1
Billups 18.5
'Sheed 15.1
Prince 14.1
McDyess 7.8
B. Wallace 7.3

Bulls top six scorers:
Gordon 16.9
Hinrich 15.9
Deng 14.3
Nocioni 13.0
Songalia 9.2
Duhon 8.7

More distributed? Yes. But not horribly so. Also, the Pistons ranked 19th in scoring.

So anyway...lots of wind to refute a bad argument he may not have even made and that ten people will read. Too late now; I already wrote it.

Wallace isn't going to change that all of a sudden. He's a defender and a rebounder.

No Rick, he will not change this fabricated thing you speak of. But if a scoring deficiency even does exist, he would certainly improve upon it, as he is replacing a guy who averaged 5.3 points per game (Tyson Chandler). And the additional rebounds he provides will create more offensive possessions and retain more as well.

And there's some delicacy to this situation. Wallace can be difficult. He has worn down other coaches. And Skiles needs to prove he can adapt to a stubborn veteran. He has a history in the rigidity department.

Ah, but that's for later.

That's sort of important now. However, I think it's an angle being overblown. Ah, but that's for later. (I can do that too.)

Wallace's very presence makes a bottom-rung playoff team a tough playoff team. The starting frontcourt should be Wallace, Andres Nocioni and Deng. Those of us who are concerned first-round pick Tyrus Thomas might be the second coming of Stromile Swift feel a lot better with the signing of Wallace, though we would feel even better if the Bulls had drafted Adam Morrison, a scorer.

I like Morrison also, but unlike Rick, I'm prudent and humble enough (braggy brag brag) to withhold from these boom and bust projections. I have no problem when opinionated people with actual expert-level knowledge (e.g. Hubie Brown, Zuch) make these bold predictions. They have credibility on the line.

However, Rick Morrissey is not an opinionated expert, but rather an opinionated idiot. He's paid to be outlandish without any recourse whatsoever if he proves to be highly inaccurate and will use this position to slander the abilities of Tyrus Thomas with presumably zero backing evidence.

And if he wants his prediction taken seriously, he should have used a less superficial basis for a Thomas-bust comparison than a guy (Swift) who went to the same school. Oh, and Stromile Swift has had a pretty decent career.

But we also feel Wallace could make a two-toed sloth play hungry.

Dumb. But let's keep moving; this is getting long. (Why does the Tribune give him so many words per column?)

If the Bulls received a do-over and played Miami again in the first round of the playoffs with Wallace on their roster, would the story be different? Not much. They would have had somebody who could have made Shaquille O'Neal work. As opposed to Michael Sweetney, who is not to blame for being Michael Sweetney. They still wouldn't have had an answer for Dwyane Wade. So maybe the Bulls lose 4-3 instead of 4-2. But give them a year together.

That's sort of the plan.

And if not this season with Wallace, then next. Just look at the guy. He takes care of himself. He's 31, and there's no reason to believe his game will slip drastically by the fourth year of the contract.

31 + 4 = 35 = Old.

Maybe not "drastically," but his game will slip. Let's not be naive.

But say it does. Say he only has two more outstanding years left in him. Is the signing worth it? It's still a slam dunk, unless you've forgotten the Dark Ages, when the Bulls' winning percentage was .258 from 1998-2004. Let it roll. Now.

Sounds more like a $30 million loss than a "slam dunk." Past failure is a horrible justification for overspending. There really isn't any good justification for overspending. Teams have tried this "take the plunge" philosophy. They're called the Baltimore Orioles.

I'm not saying the Bulls overspent. I'm simply saying the rationale is awful.

You can count on 10 rebounds a game, minimum, from Wallace. You can count on a terrible free-throw percentage. You can count on things that can't be defined by numbers. Those are the best things you can count on from Wallace.

Nah, I'm still gonna say rebounds. And blocks. And opponents' FG%. Points in the paint; that's another good one. Then opponents' scoring average. Then maybe his afro.

He was the heart of the Pistons, and once the transplant becomes official July 12, the first day free agents officially can sign, he will be the heart of the Bulls. Just like that.

Stop the cliches. Stop the lame puns. Stop writing. I hate you. When does this column end?!

Tyson Chandler said regardless of whether he stays with the Bulls or gets traded, he's going to be an All-Star next season. Nice of him suddenly to get motivated. It'll be too bad if Chandler is traded. It would be interesting to see whether he would thrive or wilt under the daily pounding from Wallace in practice. Recent history says wilt, lower-case "w."

Yarrrrggghh-aaarrrggghh!!!!! It's not witty if you completely set yourself up!!!! And you set yourself up with a situation that you said yourself will never happen!!!

I hate you! You're horrible I hate you no one loves you just die already!!!!!!

General manager John Paxson was smart enough to go after Wallace, but more importantly he came with pockets from the men's big-and-tall store. He gets kudos for seeing the Pistons might be stupid enough to let their most important player go. A few years ago, former GM Jerry Krause greeted free agent Tracy McGrady at O'Hare with cheerleaders, Benny the Bull and a band. Paxson greeted Wallace with four years, $60 million.

Jerry Krause offered McGrady the league maximum. Anyone with the cap room that summer offered McGrady the league maximum. He wanted to go to Orlando. Everyone knew he wanted to go to Orlando. The decision had nothing to do with the contract Krause offered because it was the same contract as the one he got. Maybe if Paxon had brought Benny the Bull into his office during negotiations, he could've had Wallace for cheaper. Ever think of that? Huh? Huh?

Also, the Pistons can't keep that team together forever. How about waiting four years before calling anyone "stupid"? Stop being so stupid, Rick.

Now there's more reason to go to a Bulls game than just hope and a lemming-like reaction to a marketing campaign.

Consecutive playoff seasons and loads of awesome young talent?

All of you people who held on since the last championship team was broken up, you win. You were difficult to understand through all that losing. You filled the United Center when the Bulls didn't deserve your loyalty.

But if we hadn't, we'd be a bunch of fair-weather pansies, right?

Now you're about to get rewarded.

You're finally ending this godforsaken column?

Finally.

Finally!