I'd love to be the judge that gets this case

The story is a couple days old, but that has only allowed the utter ludicrousness to fully set in.

I'm sure by now we've all seen this guy (Allen Heckard) who is suing Michael Jordan and Nike founder Phil Knight for defamation of character, permanent injury, emotional pain and suffering. Seems this guy kinda looks like Michael Jordan, and gets mistaken for him all the time. So his solution is to sue Jordan, and sue Knight for turning Jordan into an international superstar (as if Jordan wouldn't have attained such stardom if he signed a deal with adidas or Reebok instead).

First of all, I gotta say that this is one of the dumbest lawsuits I've ever heard of. This makes the klutz who spilled McDonald's coffee on themselves look like a refugee from some war-torn hole in the world. If you don't enjoy looking like Jordan, then just stop shaving your friggin' head! Get a tattoo, gain 20 pounds, whatever.

The last line of the story is the best. The total amount of damages Heckard is seeking is $832 million ($416 million from Jordan and $416 million from Knight). How he arrived at this figure...

"Well, you figure with my age and you multiply that times seven and then I turn around and I figure that's what it all boils down to."

Huh? Sounds like sound legal reasoning to me. Then again, if this lawsuit succeeds, that would lay down a significant precedent. Would this mean I can sue Kirk Cameron and the producers of "Growing Pains" for the "pain" and "suffering" I've experienced over the years having my name confused with his?