On ESPN.com? Bad Writing? About Sports? Well, 2-for-3.

This gem by Jason Whitlock cracks me up. Even someone who doesn't follow auto racing (me) can tell he's making an ass of himself. While auto racing's status as a sport is nebulous to some sports fans, Whitlock's bad writing and irrational platonic/romantic love for Danica Patrick is clear as day to anyone.

No way. No way Danica Patrick quits open-wheel racing and jumps to NASCAR simply for a fatter paycheck, additional exposure and a chance to work for boss hog.
--Uh....given the choice of more money and more exposure vs. less money and less exposure, why not?

She's not Johnny Damon.
-- True, Patrick does have nicer gams, but to compare the two is not completely off-base. Damon and Patrick both have the same number of Indy 500 wins after all.

She hasn't earned the right to be disloyal and respected at the same time. Before leaving Boston for New York, Damon helped the Red Sox break the curse. He accomplished everything he was supposed to in Boston before bouncing over to Steinbrenner's Benjamin Franklin-filled arms.
-- Disloyal? Her contract is up. Is every free agent who switches teams disloyal and disrespected? And as for "helping her team" while I understand auto racing operates in the context of teams, they are not as readily identified as "teams" like baseball teams are. The Boston Red Sox won the 2004 World Series, Sam Hornisch Jr. won the 2006 Indy 500. See the difference? With more of an individual-centered sport, the incentive for mercenary advancement is more prevelant, and as such should not be frowned upon.

If Danica bolts Tony George's Indy Racing League for Brian France's money-soaked Nextel circuit before winning the Indy 500 -- or any race -- she's going to throw away much of the credibility she's gained over the past two years.
-- What credibility? Patrick has never won an IRL race. You said it yourself. But a move to NASCAR will gain her a lot more money, exposure, and Patrick will be racing in the premier auto racing circuit in North America. Doesn't seem like a hard decision to me.

She's going to give her critics all the ammunition they need to label her as an auto racing gimmick, a pretty marketing tool with limited driving skill.
-- If her critics are already saying that when she's in the IRL, I doubt a move to NASCAR would change any of that.

I'd be devastated if she defected to NASCAR.
-- Whoa, Jason. Step back from the ledge for a second.

Not because as an Indy native I believe in the superiority of Indy Car over stock car.
-- Well duh.

I'd be crushed because Danica would be taking the easy way out. She'd set herself up to be the Anna Kournikova of racing, and I always thought of Danica as more the Chris Evert type.
-- No wins and an FHM photo spread? Jason, she's already the Anna Kournikova of racing.

No way. I've met Danica Patrick, talked with her face to face shortly after a race, interviewed her for talk shows. I've bought the hype.
-- And therefore, I know she is a great driver, despite all statistical evidence to the contrary.

She's a super competitor, determined to win Indy, hell-bent on proving she's a better driver than most of the boys.
-- The IRL points standings tell a different story about your girlfriend, Jason.

The recent spate of stories about Danica's contemplating a move to NASCAR is nothing more than a negotiating ploy between Patrick and the IRL. She's dumping Rahal-Letterman and letting George know that she won't settle for anything less than a ride with Marlboro Penske or Target Ganassi and a seven-figure contract for next season.
-- OK, so if she moved from Rahal-Letterman to NASCAR, she's "disloyal," but if she moves from Rahal-Letterman to Marlboro Penske, she's "not settling"?

Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if George is orchestrating Patrick's maneuvering. Having the IRL win a Danica sweepstakes wouldn't be a bad piece of publicity for the struggling league. The only thing better would be getting Patrick into the winner's circle, especially the one at Indianapolis Motor Speedway.
-- Whitlock's gone completely off the deep end here. Conspiracy theories. Next he's gonna tell us who really shot JFK and how they faked the moon landing.

Everyone is ignoring that Danica is outperforming her teammate, Buddy Rice, the 2004 Indy 500 champion. Driving the same shoddy Rahal-Letterman equipment, Patrick is 12th in IRL points and Rice is 15th.
-- 15th out of 37 racers in a circuit where the talent level drops off drastically around 20th.

Danica drives as well as the boys. She just needs the proper equipment.
--[rimshot]

Roger Penske and Chip Ganassi always have it. My suspicion is that Bobby Rahal is distracted. His 17-year-old son, Graham, is a rising racing star on the Champ Car Atlantic series.
-- That must be it. If he would only stop paying attention to HIS SON, then Patrick would be the best driver the world has ever seen.

What we know for sure is the status quo is unacceptable. Danica can't keep stringing together 10th- and 11th-place finishes. For the IRL to work, for the Indy 500 to recapture its magic, Danica has to race up front. She has to be in position to see the checkered flag.
-- Look. Just because you have a chubby for Danica doesn't mean that the only way the league will continue to operate is if Patrick is its star. Nevermind the fact that Patrick was less than 6 seconds off the leader this past Indy. This came on the heels of a 4th-place finish in 2005. She's in the hunt at the Brickyard every year, she's just being consistently bested everywhere else.

Racing for Penske would be the safest bet. Penske knows more about winning at Indy than any man or woman on Earth. Teaming Patrick with Sam Hornish Jr. and Helio Castroneves would give Marlboro Penske the most diverse and talented team since Tim Duncan, Manu Ginobili and Tony Parker carried the Spurs to the title.
-- And that monolithic collection of Americans, Swedes, Canadians, Russians, Czechs, and Ukranians that somehow won the Stanley Cup this year.

But sending Patrick to Target Ganassi might make more sense. Unlike the buttoned-up, conservative Penske, Ganassi is an outspoken free spirit. He's a maverick who delights in stealing talented drivers. He just put together a deal to lure Juan Pablo Montoya away from Formula One to race in NASCAR. Ganassi took Dan Wheldon from Andretti Green.
-- So the safest bet doesn't make the most sense? As for her acquisition by Ganassi, it seems Ganassi has all the drivers he needs, and if he wanted Patrick, he would have come after her when he signed Montoya.

Plus, pairing Danica with Target would be a great business move. She could sell all things Danica in Target. I'm not sure what Danica and Argent Mortgage, her current primary sponsor, have in common.
-- Cause those Danica Patrick tupperware collections are gonna be flying off the shelves. Your lame attempt at a joke about sponsors couldn't be more wrong. What does Nextel have to do with NASCAR? What does FedEx have to do with the Orange Bowl? It's a corporate sponsor. She's a billboard...like all racers. The fact that you noticed and brought it up in your article is money in the bank for Argent Mortgage. She's turned out to be quite the investment.

And if Danica switched to Penske or Ganassi, she could dabble on the NASCAR circuit during her free time. She could have the best of both worlds.
-- Again, if she switches to NASCAR, she's disloyal, but if she does both, then she has the best of both worlds?

A full-time switch to NASCAR would be a disaster right now. She wouldn't win right away.
-- Jason, in case you haven't noticed, she hasn't won in two years on the IRL circuit. It's not like the backs of stock cars instead of the backs of Indy cars would be a change of scenery.

The heavier cars, smaller tires and the loss of aerodynamic grip would be quite an adjustment for her.
-- If she's as good a driver as you say she is, and that only bad equipment is holding her back, then it shouldn't be that big of a problem. Helio Castroneves is making the transition from open-wheel to NASCAR next year. Will it be a "disaster" for him too?

So would the bumping and rubbing, which she would get a lot of from the don't-need-Danica boys.
-- He's gotta stop with these. I'm only mature to a point. In all seriousness, I consulted the closest thing YCS could find to an auto racing expert. NASCAR afficionado Scott Genz says, "Danica would be by no means the first woman to race in NASCAR, so the whole theory that she would get excessively bumped is pretty bogus since no one desires to be the guy who took out the girl while racing for 32nd place."

Danica needs to remain the face of open-wheel racing … at least until she's won something.
-- So she can't go to NASCAR because she won't win anything, so she should stay in the IRL where she hasn't won anything yet. This will be a better move for her because while she's not winning, she'll also be collecting less money in more obscurity.

Yikes, Jason. Why don't you just ask her out?