Baseball + FOXSports.com's Randy Hill's Humor = Gold, Jerry, Gold

Effectively mixing humor and serious sportswriting is a difficult task. There is a very good reason that people who are able to write good comedy are paid, for the most part, handsomely for their work. They're actually funny, and are funny while offering legitimate analysis in their articles. However, for every Tony Kornheiser there are ten hacks that think a snappy pop-culture reference is all that you need to deliver the funny. Not so, as you've obviously noted in the work we've talked about from the likes of Skip Bayless, Rick Morrissey and Jason Whitlock.

Enter FOXSports.com's Randy Hill.

His most recent article (published on MSN's front page, no less) is hilarious throughout. Sadly, none of the laughs actually derive from Hill's jokes but are instead the result of an atrocious (and constant!) attempt at the tired "this guy's got less ____ than ____!" format of hack joke writing that I assume they teach you in sportswriter school (Zuch, help me out here).

The article is entitled "They're Not All-Stars, They're Star-Crossed," which in itself is pret-ty lame, Milhouse (by the way, Randy, you're not fooling me with that pun you stole from Shakespeare, you're still a clown).

Anyway, instead of going through the whole piece of garbage, I'm just going to explain how it works. Hill picks an "all-star" team of guys who are underachieving, most of whom just signed new deals (and for good measure he includes Adrian Beltre to demonstrate how closely he follows baseball) and then talks about how they suck, using the mostly stupid metrics of batting average, HR and RBI. Then, to close each section, he delivers the coup de grace to really let these underacheiving hacks know that they're stinkin' out loud.

Texas Rangers 1B Mark Teixeira: This represents an even greater temporary drop in power than that experienced by Karl Rove.

And with that, Karl Rove's heart is been ripped in twain, much like my sides.

Atlanta Braves 2B Marcus Giles: Credit for this dramatic cut in productivity has been assigned to the Tomahawk Chop.

This doesn't even make sense. I guess it's a joke, but I don't get it.

LA Dodgers SS Rafael Furcal: For the record, his on-base percentage is even lower than that established by Bill Murray in the movie Stripes.

That's right, class, the essence of humor is timeliness.

Seattle Mariners 3B Adrian Beltre: It seems that, much like marriage, Beltre will only be sensational for one year.

Are fortune cookies writing this clown's jokes?

Barry Bonds (who Hill labels as playing for BALCO! HAHAHAHAHA!): In what qualifies as a complete upset, Barry looked as incongruous at the plate as Donald Trump might seem standing in front of a Coin Star machine.

In the world of comedy, there is accountability. Hacks like this are booed off stage. In this world, we are stuck with jokes like this. Good God. Also, nice pseudo-intellectual move by using "incongruous" instead of "out of place."

Mets OF Cliff Floyd: This year, in a lineup that offers more protection than the Secret Service, Cliff needs a step ladder to see the Mendoza line.

That Mets lineup showcases more talent than Friday night at the strip club!
That Mets lineup has more power than WE Energies!
That Mets lineup AARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHH SHUT UP YOU TALENTLESS FUCK!!!

Cubs C Michael Barrett: Unfortunately, he qualified by slugging the undeniably slugg-able A.J. Pierzynski and failing to knock him down.

I wanna see Michael Barrett punch Randy Hill in the face. My money says Hill goes down.

And finally,

Mariners 1B Richie Sexson: Please note that his swing still has a bigger hole than the one located in northwest Arizona.

Good night! Tip your waitress!

Randy Hill is a frequent contributor to FOXSports.com.

No wonder FOXSports.com sucks.