In Bizarro World, The Words Write Mike Celizic!

This latest article is a real gem, even by Mike Celizic standards.

For seven years, most of them brilliant, Pedro Martinez gave the Boston Red Sox everything he had and everything they could have wanted. He copped two Cy Young Awards, won 117 games against just 37 losses — a .760 winning percentage — and he won a game in the 2004 World Series in which the Red Sox broke their 85-year run of futility.

Yes, that's true.

Considering all he’s done for Boston, there’s just one thing the Fenway faithful can possibly do when he scales the Fenway Park mound Wednesday night for the first time since chasing the free-agent bonanza to the New York Mets after the 2004 season.

Even though I know what you're going to say next, I really, really REALLY wish the next sentence of this article would make some sense. However...

They’ve got to boo him like no one not named Roger Clemens has ever been booed in Boston’s little jewel of a ballpark. They’ve got to hiss and scream and bellow until the air is congested with spittle. They’ve got to boo his backside back to that mango tree in the Dominican Republic he once talked about sitting under.

"No one not named Roger Clemens?" That's a pretty kickass double-negative there, Mikey.

Atrocious grammar aside, you know how at baseball games when people boo a pitcher when he throws over to first or takes a long time to get the signs right with the catcher? And then you, as a normal, rational human being are like "wait, why are they booing? Who's the moron that started this booing?" Well, stupid behavior like that is born from the encouragement of classless assholes like Mike Celizic. Why, Mike Celizic, should Boston boo someone who even you say "gave the Boston Red Sox everything he had and everything they could have wanted." You must have a rationale for this, right Mike?

For the fans, Pedro’s return to Fenway shouldn’t be about doing what’s right by their former hero.

Yeah, you're right, all that clown ever did was go 117-37 with a 2.52 ERA in Boston.

BOOOOthanksforhelpinguswintheworldseriesOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

If sports started working that way, the entire player-fan dynamic would be turned on its head.

You mean the "player-fan dynamic" where players bust their asses for a team for close to a decade and then aren't resigned because their former team vastly undervalues their ability to still play the game? And then they come back and pitch against the team that they helped win a World Series and get booed by a bunch of stupid assholes from Boston egged on by a know-nothing writer from MSNBC.com? That player-fan dynamic?

Is this the same player-fan dynamic that encourages an idiot in the stands to throw beer on a basketball player during a game and incite what basically amounts to a riot?

Or is it the player-fan dynamic that allows two drunk trashbags from Chicago to rush the field and attack the third base umpire?

Oh, no, wait, maybe it's the one that makes people go absolutely insane to the point where they actually get into a brawl with players in the bullpen, leading to a fan getting hit in the face with a folding chair? That sacred player-fan dynamic?

What the fuck is Mike Celizic talking about?

He used to play there, and then he went to not just another town, but to the hated Big Apple. It doesn’t matter that he didn’t sign with the New York Yankees,

Yes it does.

because the Mets haven’t occupied a terribly choice piece of real estate in Boston hearts since 1986 and that episode with Bill Buckner.

Just how often, Mike Celizic, do you hear about bad blood between the Mets and the Red Sox? Isn't most of the blame for the '86 World Series usually placed on the shoulders of that Bill Buckner guy?

Seems to me that those cats from Boston have enough sense to know that in 1986 the Mets didn't cheat, they know that the Red Sox (all of them, mind you, not just Bill Buckner) blew the World Series.

It also doesn’t matter that he left Boston because the Mets offered him more money for more years than the Red Sox were willing to pay.

Yes it does.

Nor does it matter that a substantial number of Boston fans felt the team was making a good move by letting him go.

Yes it does.

He did, after all, have a talent for saying annoying things, and, as everyone knew, his shoulder was damaged goods, and his arm was probably going to fall off within the next month or two anyway.

Fall off? Probably going to fall off?

The really, really smart baseball people said that the Mets were fools to give a guy like that four years, when the odds were high he wouldn’t last that long.

So, let's review.

It was a good move for Boston to let Pedro go, because his shoulder was "damaged goods" and his arm, according to Mike Celizic, M.D. was going to fall off.

As such, it was a bad move for the Mets to sign Pedro to a long contract.

Pedro has done well in New York.

Pedro helped Boston win its only World Series in the past 9 decades.

Thus, Red Sox fans should boo Pedro mercilessly, shout obsencities, racial slurs and veiled death threats at him and, for good measure, whip a few AA Duracells at him. After all, the Mets were stupid for signing him to a four year contract.

The point is that he left for another team, and no matter how justified he was in doing so, as long as he continues to perform at the highest level, the fans will see that as abandonment.

Even though, as you said, the Red Sox didn't really want him anymore and (once again, in your words) "a substantial number of Boston fans felt the team was making a good move by letting him go" and "as everyone knew, his shoulder was damaged goods, and his arm was probably going to fall off within the next month or two anyway." So, it's Pedro's fault that his career wasn't over and he's not washed up and because of that, he abandoned the Red Sox?

Anyway, I think my favorite part of the article is how convicted Mike Celizic is that he's right.

I’m just as confident that Red Sox Nation will come through on this one as I am that the coming fall lineup of network television shows will plumb new depths in personal abasement.

Zing! Take that, network TV execs! I love it when Mikey C goes pop culture on your ass.

I’m equally confident that a majority of commentators will spend the next day talking about what a shame it is that Boston’s fans didn’t give Pedro the love and respect he is due for all the great things he did for the franchise.

From ESPN.com: "When Pedro Martinez returned to Boston on Tuesday for the first time since he signed a four-year, $53 million contract with the New York Mets more than 18 months ago, he walked into a den of love and happiness."

As such, I disagree, Mike Celizic.

If anything else happens — the fans cheering wildly or the commentators congratulating them for booing boisterously or no one taking notice of the occasion at all — I’d be as shocked as I would be if the president let slip that his favorite newspaper is The New York Times and his favorite news channel is MSNBC.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! I know, both those things would surprise me too!

I’d also be as disappointed as I’d be if I set out to construct a hot fudge sundae and discovered I was out of whipped cream.

A hot fudge sundae without whipped cream is the best analogy you can come up with to describe extreme disappointment?

Dear God.