Gene the Pole is on the beat!

Gene Wojciechowski does not watch baseball, as his espn.com columns throughout the World Series proved. If you didn't read them, please don't, unless you hate yourself. All you need to know is that he called Placido Polanco "arguably the Tigers' MVP this season." Honestly, I don't believe the man watches baseball at all.

Anyway, here's his last column of the season, and hopefully his last ever as a baseball beat writer. I cannot understand why the world's biggest sports media outlet would have this hack on its World Series beat. I really can't. Observe:

ST. LOUIS -- I see it -- the giddy St. Louis Cardinals celebrating near second base like they're kids at Williamsport ... manager Tony La Russa looking on like a proud parent -- but I still don't believe it. The Cardinals didn't really just win the World Series, did they? And if so, does this mean I never have to watch another Fox promo for "The Rich List"?

Ha.

My gawd, what just happened here Friday night?

"My gawd"? Is that supposed to be cute? Gene, you are not cute.

One minute we had a perfectly wonderful, heart-tugger Series featuring the former losingest team in baseball, the Tigers. They had starting pitching. They had relievers whose fastballs are timed on the Bonneville Salt Flats.

Oh, so you're more of a racing fan. That would sort of excuse the fact that you know nothing about baseball. Of course, that begs the question--Why in Sam Holy Hill is ESPN featuring you on the World Series beat??

They had the calming, experienced presence of Jim Leyland, one of the most successful managers in the history of the game.

Man, those mid-90s Pirates were deadly. So were the '98 Marlins, just as the Rockies after that.

I'm not saying that win percentage is a good measure of a quality managing, but I'm not sure what other than win% Gene could be implying by "successful."

La Russa and Sparky Anderson are the only managers to win Series titles in both leagues.

Awesome. So did Alfredo Griffin.

And they lost. Not only lost, but they nearly got swept by La Russa's team, 4-1.

I don't get it. Then again, I don't get why La Russa wears highway patrolman shades in the dugout during night games.

What, no "Sunglasses at Night" reference? I'm disappointed.

But that's the Cardinals for you in 2006, always defying explanation.
La Russa won't admit it, but this Cardinals team might become his all-time favorite. It won't be because it was his best team, but because it wouldn't take "no" for an answer. Just look at Friday evening's Series-clinching, 4-2 win in the bone-chilling cold of Busch Stadium: up by a run ... down by a run ... up by a run ... then two ...

Coming back after being down one? That never happens.

then time for confetti, fireworks and the sweet sting of champagne spray in their eyes.

"Win or lose," said La Russa, as he stripped away layer after layer of clothes in his clubhouse office, "it's the damndest experience you can have."

You could easily argue that this was La Russa's most artful and clever job of managing since he wrote out his first lineup card in 1978 for Knoxville of the Southern League.

That game, he started two third basemen and one outfielder. And he wrote his lineup in caligraphy, in his own blood...on a bamboo scroll.

And for once, La Russa might not argue back.

There were injuries. Lots of them. There were personnel moves. I counted 62 of them from April to October,

Translation: My intern told me this. I hope he's right.

including the acquisition of Game 5 winner, Jeff Weaver, who had his reputation and confidence repaired by La Russa and pitching coach Dave Duncan.

Weaver, in 15 starts (reg. season) with STL this season: 83.1 IP, 1.50 WHIP, 5.18 ERA

So it was only fitting that La Russa and a champagne-soaked Weaver exchanged a heartfelt postgame hug in the hallway leading to the St. Louis clubhouse.

La Russa is going to have bruise marks from all the hugs.

Really? They should probably test him for lukemia then.

Pitchers Chris Carpenter and Jason Isringhausen got him in the corner of the dugout moments after Brandon Inge struck out to end the game. Then the Cardinals' coaches collected for a group embrace. Then Albert Pujols lifted La Russa off the infield grass and held him high for a few happy seconds. La Russa, only the second manager to win a championship in both leagues, beamed.

But don't bother asking La Russa about La Russa. It's his least favorite subject. The third-winningest manager in the history of the game kick saves everything away from him.

"The accomplishment is not personal," he said. "It's a player's game."

That's what he always says -- "It's a player's game." He says it enough that you actually believe him.

Which you would, because it's true--unless you're Gene Wojciechowski and clearly do not watch baseball.

But it was La Russa, the players' manager, who pressed enough buttons to turn his team into a World Series factoid: No world champion has won fewer regular-season games than the '06 Cardinals.

You're the first person to observe this, I think. Maybe the second. I thought I heard John Kruk mention that.

He is -- how did center fielder Jim Edmonds put it?--

You tell me, Guy ESPN Pays to Report Stuff.

"consistent." Always consistent.

No way should the Cardinals have been the team reeking of bubbly. I'm not saying they didn't deserve to hoist the World Series trophy -- they did -- but not even Spock can come up with a logical reason why this series failed to return to Detroit for at least a Game 6.

Here it is. The proof that Gene Wojciechowski doesn't actually watch baseball but only pretends to. (Also the proof that Gene is a huge fucking dork, but we already knew that.) Were he an actual baseball observer, he would realize that the Tigers could have easily gone 1-4 over a five game stretch against the Royals, Cubs, Nationals, or any other bad team.

The Cardinals had the fewest regular-season victories (83) of the eight playoff teams. Five teams that didn't make the playoffs had more wins than St. Louis. Ten other franchises had higher player payrolls.

Payroll-vs.-win total discrepancies don't really shock anyone anymore. Unless you only follow the Yankees and Red Sox, or simply don't watch baseball.

And it wasn't like the Cardinals stormed into the postseason. They played sub-.500 ball in the second half, lost seven of their final 10 games and barely won the NL Central Division. Even now, the Houston Astros, who just missed overtaking the Cards, are slapping their foreheads like Homer Simpson.

How many times in the 17 seasons of The Simpsons has Homer actually slapped his forehead? Maybe I just overlook this animation detail, but I'm guessing this is another case of Gene pretending to watch something he does not watch.

Once again baseball makes fools of anybody (hello) who thinks they have the game figured out.

You probably should've started by watching some games first before thinking you'd figured the game out.

I picked the Tigers.

No friggin' kidding.

If the Series started over tomorrow, I'd still pick the Tigers.

I probably would too, but with about 51-55% confidence, rather than your foolhardy assuredness.

Even St. Louis fans who wear authentic custom Cards jerseys with general manager Walt Jocketty's name on the back (and I saw at least one in the right-field stands) would pick the Tigers.

So what you meant to say is, "I saw this one dude wearing a 'Jocketty' custom jersey. I bet he'd even pick the Tigers." Just say what you mean, dipshit.

And the Cardinals would astound us again -- except for La Russa, who was convinced the Cardinals could go long and far if they reached the postseason.
"We just refused to get a complex about it. ... We thought we had a chance to play really well," he said.

Bold words, Tony. I'm glad you thought there was "a chance" your team wouldn't suck.

He thought they had a chance because the starting pitching was better than it looked,

...Mmmmmaybe...I stll don't think many people are convinced that Reyes, Suppan, and Weaver are any better than their regular season marks, regardless of postseason numbers. I still don't see much in Reyes, and Suppan is generic-average. Weaver is great but immensely frustrating.

because his team could play defense, because La Russa loved the idea of being perceived as an underdog. As usual, he was right.

"If you get into a short series and you have a few assets, look out," he said.

The Cardinals won the 102nd World Series with assets: Edmonds, shortstop David Eckstein, third baseman Scott Rolen and Pujols in varying (and always silent) degrees of pain.

What a shock. He mentions Scrapstein before Rolen and without any mention of Carpenter or Adam Wainwright.

And they won it without having available their second-best starter, Mark Mulder, and their all-time saves leader, Isringhausen.

Mark Mulder, in 17 starts this year: 93.1 IP, 7.14 ERA, 1.70 WHIP. Izzy in 58.1 IP this year: 38 BB, 1.46 WHIP, 10 HR allowed (admittedly not a very fair stat to judge 58.1 IP, but still sucky). Yes, both guys were good before this year, but the point still stands: Gene's an idiot.

But your 2006 World Series MVP was none other than Eckstein (MLB commissioner Bud Selig botched his name in the postgame presentation ceremony -- it's "Eck-stine," not, "Eck-steen," Bud).

He may have won the award, but he was difinitely NOT the MVP of the series.

And Rolen, who took the collar in the 2004 World Series disaster, is the guy who drove in the seventh-inning insurance run that clinched the first Cardinals championship since 1982.

The Tigers will be back in a World Series before the Cardinals,

You have absolutely NO WAY of knowing, or even surmising, this. That's a ridiculous assertion. And I don't exactly see a dynasty out of this Tigers roster. Besides Bonderman, Verlander, Zumaya, and Rodney, what real standout talents are in this team's immediate or long-term future?

but that doesn't lessen the hurt right now. They could have won this thing. But they squandered nearly every advantage they had: home field, starting pitching, most of the baseball nation rooting for a team that three years earlier lost a record 119 games.

Gene's also the first person to bring this up.

Maybe they were overwhelmed by the moment. They hit .199 for the Series, committed eight gruesome errors, didn't walk hitters when they should have (Pujols, Game 1),

Oh, right...tuna fish-flavored mouthwash.

and, in my opinion, didn't start pitchers when they should have (Rogers, Game 5).

The topic of an equallly pointless Gene column this week. Way to try and look right. I still don't buy it.

But in the end, the Cardinals won this championship more than the Tigers lost it, but just barely.

Meaningless. Infuriating.

Maybe that's why La Russa had to dab at his teary eyes as he walked toward the 25-player pileup near second base. He knew, better than anyone, how foul line-thin the difference is between celebration and depression.

And how Bazooka Joe-sweet victory is. And how foul tip-in-groin-painful losing is. And how DiamondDry-gritty his shortstop is. And how David's Sunflower Seeds-salty my critique of Gene Wojciechowski is.

This wasn't the most memorable World Series I've ever seen. Other than the awful weather and a game where nobody could get their stories straight (Rogers' Dirtgate win in Game 2), the Series was as compelling as a "Judge Judy" re-run.

That's hilarious because that wouldn't be compelling at all!

America yawned almost as many times as Tigers second baseman Placido Polanco went without a hit (all 17 World Series at-bats).

Gene, your sense of proportion is awful. It would have made more sense to say, "America didn't yawn with the same frequency as Placido Polanco reached on a hit," or "America was as yawnful as Placido Polanco was hitless." But you shouldn't have said these things either because they're lame and awful and don't make sense, just as your line didn't.

I think ESPN needs an editor. They don't seem to have one.

But I'll give the Series this much: It featured the ultimate grinder team

Gene, you did not.

and the ultimate grinder manager.

You double-did not.

The Cardinals earned every diamond that will be in their championship rings.

Especially Aaron Miles. That guy was, and is, aweseome.

"This group of guys will never forget this accomplishment," La Russa said. "We'll be friends forever because we share something very, very special, very rare."

Just like La Russa himself.

Gene, you've made me cry. But not at all in the way you intended.