Channeling my Inner Dana Jacobson

>> Monday

Fuck Notre Dame
Fuck South Bend
Fuck the Joyce Center
Fuck the Notre Dame Victory March
Fuck Leprechauns
Fuck 75% of the girls in the student section being named "Maureen" "Colleen" or some variant of "Mary (something)"
Fuck Mike Brey
Fuck Luke Harangody
Fuck the Golden Dome
Fuck the Four Horsemen
Fuck Legends, a bar with less character than a suburban TGI Fridays at noon on a Wednesday
Fuck sitting around in your room watching golf on a Saturday afternoon NOT DRINKING debating whether you should buy a new 300 dollar putter
Fuck Charlie Weis
Fuck Charlie Weis' fat ass
Fuck the yearly sense of entitlements to football National Championships despite only winning one since the Carter Administration. Florida won as many National titles this month as ND has won in the last 31 years.
Fuck people who think ND is an elite college football program, but in truth, don't belong on the same field as USC's practice squad
Fuck Kyle McIlarney
Fuck Chris Thomas
Fuck Touchdown Jesus
Fuck the mentality that Jesus gives a shit about how many touchdowns ND scores
Fuck the mentality that Jesus, if given a choice, would gladly score the touchdowns for ND himself
Fuck Rudy
Fuck the Gipper
Fuck Digger Phelps
Fuck Digger Phelps' highlighter
Fuck Digger Phelps' tie that impeccably matches his highlighter
Fuck Digger Phelps' ALWAYS picking ND, and NEVER picking Marquette when their resumes should direct the opposite picks
Fuck dickwad Joyce Center security who wouldn't let Vinnie bring his sign in
Fuck hick townies who rag on Marquette and Milwaukee when we're beating them by double digits
Fuck your bottomless endowment
Fuck Brady Quinn
Fuck Gold helmets
Fuck Green jerseys
Fuck Black jerseys
Fuck any campus that at any time has had TWO on-campus golf courses
Fuck that damn drum cadence that's been stuck in my head for two days now
Fuck the media's constant overrating love affair with ND
Fuck Regis Philbin
Fuck Hannah Storm
Fuck Steve Bartman
Fuck Josiah Bartlett

Happy 2,000 posts, YCS!


Filling out Obama's cabinet

If you've been paying attention to political news lately, much has been made of the fact that President Obama's cabinet and team of advisors is heavily comprised of ex-ballers. Education Secretary Arne Duncan, National Security Advisor Jim Jones, Attorney General Eric Holder, U.N. Ambassador Susan Rice, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner, Mideast envoy George Mitchell, and, of course, Obama himself were all former college basketball players. (Shockingly, Energy Secretary Stephen Chu was not.)

As awesome as this team would be, it's still not complete. As of today, one cabinet post and one other key advisory position remain unfilled. Of course, with everything going on in the country right now, I know the president has enough on his mind already to worry about some silly job interviews:

That's why I'd like to help. And if I must say, President Obama, I have two perfect choices:

Why Mr. Wallace is qualified to be FEMA Director:

What better way to put away the shortcomings of the Bush administration than to replace one of its most criticized posts with the man who refused to talk to G-dub following his NBA Finals win? As we all know, Mr. Wallace is persistent in rectifying injustices:

And it's unlikely he will be accused of not caring about black people.

Though his chances of being approved may be hindered by the fact that he only finished two years of college, keep in mind that these two men are the product of higher education:

Why Sir Barkley is qualified to be Secretary of Commerce:

Chuck's intention to enter the political arena have long been known, and I can't think of a position that suits him better. Who else besides the federal government has squandered such large sums of money on bad gambles?

Also, Barkley should have no problem acclamating to the culture of the Village. Nothing says "Washington establishment" quite like getting a DUI while being serviced by a call girl.

Last, and most importantly, we could rest assured that the federal government will never spend anoter dime on FLAKY WHITE STUFF.


YCS: Your Home for Fifth-Grade Homework Help

>> Sunday

Today's hilarious Google search referral comes to us from a middle-schooler trying to find the answer to an extremely specific math question:

i'm having trouble answering these question A Volleyball team wins 52 of its 65 games during a world championship. (a). What is the ratio of wins to games played?

Don't schools these days teach kids how to use search engines before they learn how to add? I guess this kid home-schooled. Also, what kind of volleyball world championship requires teams to play 65 games? Doesn't that seem excessive? Maybe I just don't understand volleyball.


Because I want to embarrass Pat

>> Saturday

Pat and I are watching the Memphis-Tennessee game... We note the Pat Summit Cout emblem on the Tennessee hardwood:

Me: Poor Bruce Pearl... Always gonna be second banana to Pat Summitt.
Pat: Yeah... by the way, I heard she got divorced recently.
Me: What?? She was married??
Pat: Yeah.
Me: [unnecessarily clarifying] ...Meaning she's not gay?
Pat: No... [matter of factly] I've always thought she was probably kind of a demon in the bedroom.
Me: I would guess she'd... be... aggressive... I suppose...
Pat: Hey, this isn't gonna end up on the blog, is it?
Me: Yes, I do think that you acknowledging sexual thoughts about Pat Summitt deserves to be on the blog.

Posted by Vinnie with contributions by Pat, who is not afraid to be honest about his feelings.


He makes WHAT?

I just read this story on the Journal-Sentinel's website about Craig Counsell coming back to the Brewers for one more year in a utility role.

Something struck me as odd - oh, yeah, it's the money. Craig (FUCKING) Counsell makes one million dollars a year. Are you kidding me? I knew I should have been a gritty utility infielder, this economy wouldn't affect me at all!


Hater post... because Mike encouraged me

Mike and I are G-Chatting while watching Gameday on ESPN. Because I'm lazy, I'll do a copy and paste:

Michael: oh man
this should be YCS gold
the college gameday crew is going to come back from break an "try to define 'toughness'"

me: yeah, i'm watching this

Michael: i loved bobby knight's commentary earlier
"i never thought id get out of this building alive...i needed digger to protect me three different times...the hell with green."

me: even better they just screwed up, came back from commercial too early and got cut off
love it
i have the volume on sorta low, and about three different times when they said Digger, i swore i heard "n****r"

[The analysts pick guys in college hoops that are "tough." Hubert picks Tyler Hansborough and Blake Griffin. Jay picks Stephen Curry.]

me: i love how hubert's two guys who are "tough" also happen to be like the two best players in college bball
and jay's being the third best
nice sign: "luke eats huskies for breakfast"

Michael: (forehead smack)

me: i guess he's mongolian now

[Out of nowhere, the Harlem Globetrotters appear on screen to preview an upcoming segment as they go to break.]

Michael: harlem globetrotters? WTF?
me: hahaha yes!
just because i love that music

[After commercial, the crew segways to a piece about the death of Kay Yow.]

Michael: ah, the obligatory human interest piece dovetails nicely with the "ok, the segment we just had was completely irrelevant. because 'toughness' on a basketball court can't hold a candle to a cancer battle."

me: of course
psh, big deal
breast cancer
pretty much every woman gets that

Michael: did she have cancer cancer or just cancer?

me: if she was so tough she'd have survived

[The screaming student section has gone silent as they've done the Kay Yow segment.]

Michael: man guys, way to suck the wind out of the building

me: hahaha, no foolin

Michael: i want to hear the nd band play "every time we touch" like the last time i went to the JACC
something inherently hilarious about a techno song sung by a german vixen being played on a tuba by a fat kid from renssallear

me: i also like the sign "Thabeet can't spell ESPN"
typical ND elitist / borderline racist slam

Michael: i also liked the thoroughly unoriginal sign "what was the price of the laptops?"
what a timely slam
got any hanging chad or judge ito signs too?

me: yeah, what the hell
a) we covered that one better than they ever could [refering to cardboard laptops with Marcus Williams's mugshot on the screen, crafted by friend-of-YCS Mach for the Marquette student section during our 2006 battle with then-#2 UConn] , b) i don't think they would have any remaining players from that team, and c) that guy's a fuckwad

Michael: yea no kidding. that was 3 years ago. anyone from that team 3 years ago, have either graduated or gone to the NBA.

[Harlem Globetrotters segment begins.]

sweet georgia brown!

me: i wish this music just followed me around all day

me: i would probably do everything with a lot more flair and style
do little 360 twirls before i put stuff on people's desks at work
flip my kitchen utensils in the air while i'm cooking and catch them with my toes
'twould be badass

Michael: i dare digger to pick either uconn or mu

[Digger submits his pick of Notre Dame, citing some rubbish about Harngody playing big or something.]

me: digger shocks the world
picks ND

Michael: that almost reads like an onion headline
digger shocks world, picks ND to win at home when ND hosts college gameday

...Here you go, Mike:


Not to make fun of a dying guy...

>> Friday

...But something about the sight of Castro in an Addidas track suit cracks me up.

Oh crap... I need to somehow make this about sports. Ummm... That's right! Castro used to play baseball! And he is, after all, wearing a track suit. Oh, and how do you think Dayan Viciedo will do for the White Sox?

Relevance: salvaged. *blows on finger like smoking pistol*


We Might Have a Winner for Dumbest Story of the Day

>> Wednesday

Steelers to wear white for Super Bowl.

Psssh. I can't believe they're wearing white. They've played with a loooooooooot of football teams if you catch my drift.

The author tries to draw a parallel between Pittsburgh wearing white in Super Bowl XL despite being the "home team" because Pittsburgh that year was a wild card and had won all three of their playoff games on the road.

This year, Pittsburgh played two playoff games at home, and Arizona is the "home team" so they got to pick. So the Steelers didn't pick white because they thought it was lucky again. The will wear it because they have to.

Long story short. Aside from the color of the Steelers' shirts, the parallels between the jersey selection process for Super Bowl XL and XLIII end there.


Want to recreate (sort of) an All-Star team from 2002 for peanuts?

>> Monday

So let's say you're a cash-strapped MLB owner with zero talent on your roster and no tradeable assets in your minor league system (the Nats?). Or you're an enterprising, spend-happy independent league owner looking to undercut interest in the local MLB team during a recession when the price of big-name talent is deflated and baseball fans are seeking a cheaper way to spend their live sports dollar. You know that your on-field product won't get people through the gates (because let's face it--Who really wants to watch independent league ball, much less the Nationals?) is to sign a bunch of big names with diminishing or mostly diminished skills?

Well, if this impossibly narrow description somehow fits you, now is definitely your chance. A lot of former All-Stars--some future Hall of Famers--are sitting on the free agent market this winter, looking for employment but drawing little interest, due in part to the poor economy. For many, it could mean forced retirement. But it doesn't have to be that way. Check out this 25-man roster that you could currently have on the cheap:

Starting lineup:
C - Ivan Rodriguez
1B - Richie Sexson
2B - Jeff Kent
3B - Nomar Garciaparra
SS - Omar Vizquel
OF - Ken Griffey Jr.
OF - Jim Edmonds
OF - Andruw Jones
DH - Frank Thomas

Garret Anderson
Sean Casey
Luis Gonzalez
Ray Durham
Rich Aurilia

Starting rotation:
Roger Clemens
Curt Schilling
Pedro Martinez
Mark Mulder
Kenny Rogers

Eric Gagne
Keith Foulke
Tom Gordon
Eddie Guardado
Brendan Donnelly
Jason Isringhausen

I mean, seriously--how much worse could that team be than last year's 61-win, $117mill Seattle Mariners? This team would be cheaper and have way more name recognition.

So, Dan Snyder--can I interest you in a baseball team?


Disappointing? Yes. Surprising? I don't know...

Just saw this story on Deadspin about court papers filed in Dwyane Wade's divorce from his wife.

In legal papers, she alleges he abandoned his children, committed adultery, and infected her with an unspecified sexually transmitted disease. She wants the names of ''all of his sexual partners'' during their six-year marriage.

Dwyane, named a ''Father of the Year'' in 2007 by the National Father's Day Committee, has gone ''months'' without seeing his boys, Siohvaughn says. His ''failure to spend time with them . . . has resulted in the children at times being afraid of him; in fact, Zion . . . does not recognize or know Dwyane.'' She wants sole custody, and support.

She also says she has suffered ''grievous physical, emotional and mental injury'' from the STD, diagnosed in the fall of '07. (The infection is not HIV or a ''killer thing,'' sources say.) Dwyane and his ''paramour or paramours'' are liable, she alleges.

As I'm sure all the guys on this blog remember, Wade was rumored to have these...proclivities when he was at Marquette. Hopefully, these allegations are merely the overblown product of ugly divorce proceedings, Only human, I guess.


Arizona Cardinals to Unveil Super Bowl Special Helmet

>> Sunday

Much like college teams from time to time do in bowl games, the Arizona Cardinals are considering a one-off special helmet for their first-ever trip to the Super Bowl. Our sources deep within the Cardinals' front office have revealed these designs as the finalists that the Cardinals' brass are considering for the game in two weeks.
Rumored to be the front-runner, the "Flying Pig" design is said to have tested very well in focus groups. The design is said to be a living history of the Cardinals organization. The winged pig design represents not only the Cardinals' current state of affairs, but also the team's entire storyline up to this point, starting from their humble founding on the South Side of Chicago, not far from the Union Stockyards. While the stockyards closed in 1971, the Cardinals would continue being regularly slaughtered for the next 36 years, and so the flying pig not only represents the good times, but also every other moment in the Cardinals' franchise history except today.

This design tested very well with both the players and the fans, but its one-fingered salute towards....well...pretty much everyone to come in contact with or make reference to the franchise in the last 40 years or so faces stringent FCC hurdles and must clear that bureaucracy before it can be used on national television in the Super Bowl.

Rumor has it that the team's ownership is a tad superstitious, and is urging a return to the "lucky" helmet design that the Cardinals wore the last time they won an NFL Championship in 1947. The Players' Union and sane doctors everywhere on the other hand overwhelmingly disapprove of this design.
Cardinals I.T. intern Kyle Brecherman, characteristically left with nothing social to do this past Friday spent the entire night creating a prototype helmet featuring the Bizarro Superman design. "It's really fitting of the Bizarro World . Where else would the Arizona Cardinals be in the Super Bowl? My prototype is not only visually striking, but also inspires hope." The 22-year old Brecherman said as he paused for a moment to remove his retainer, "I mean, if the Cardinals are in the Super Bowl, then maybe we really ARE in Bizarro World. If that's the case, my scoliosis, asthma, bad teeth, and complete lack of social skills are only in Bizarro World too! Which means that I'm actually COOL in the real world!" When informed that if his hypothesis was true, then in the real world, Brecherman's mother would no longer think he was cool, and that Star Trek would never have been created, Brecherman immediately broke into tears and became inconsolable.

The dark horse design in this whole process is the cruel and spiteful passing of the "Being the laughingstock of the league" torch from the Arizona Cardinals to the Detroit Lions. The league disapproves of this design, largely due to what is viewed as the Cardinals sadistically disgracing the Super Bowl with the use of anything related to the Detroit Lions. When pressed for further comment, league officials were forced to admit that the Cardinals had a point.


From the "Pictures I Never Expected to See" File

>> Friday

An excerpt from the show:

Morgan: You just don't see any great movies these days.
Clooney: Well, I beg to--
Morgan: You used to have movies like The Sting that had great actors in them--Paul Newman, Robert Redford... guys like that. But all of today's movies have holes and weaknesses. There just aren't any great movies anymore.
Bench: ...Or great actors. I don't think any actor from today's era should ever get a star on the Walk of Fame.
Clooney [incensed]: Now just one minute...!
Ellen: Boys--
Clooney: It's just that I finally agree to come on this ridiculous show, and this is what I get? Listen--You guys were great ballplayers in your day, but could you do us all a favor and leave your retarded opinions on movies to yourselves?
Bench: No, you listen to me--
Ellen: Hey, everyone--Let's dance!
["The Groove Line" begins to play; Morgan pops up and starts shuffling around in a small circle while Clooney sits silently, forehead in hand.]
Morgan: Come on, Johnny! Get down with your bad self!


YCS On Location: 2009 MLS Draft

YCS was on location in St. Louis at America's Ballroom for the 2009 MLS Draft. Among the highlights included.

Roughly 500-600 fansand traveling supporters attended the first round. Among these were fans who supported Kansas City, Chicago, New York, DC United, Columbus, and a contingent supporting the still-yet-to-exist St. Louis team (St. Louis is vying for one of two expansion teams in 2011 with four other cities) all heckling each other.

A Midwestern geography lesson was unintentionally handed out as the St. Louis supporters all singing to the tune of "He's got the whole world in his hands" belted out, "There's only one city in Missouri....St. Louis is her name" obviously directed at the Kansas City supporters, who responded in turn "Your teeeeeeeam's in Illllllllllinois...." a reference to the St. Louis efforts to build a soccer stadium in nearby Collinsville, IL. The KC fans were apparently oblivious to the fact that since last season, they actually play in Kansas City, Kansas. Should St. Louis get a team, it is quite possible it will be billed as a cross-Missouri rivalry, but with neither team actually IN Missouri.

Steve Zakuani from the University of Akron going to Seattle Sounders FC with the first pick in the draft. No surprises there. Cue cheesy highlight reel.

Seattle Sounders FC head coach Sigi Schmid being EVEN FATTER IN PERSON THAN ON TV.

Meeting up and briefly chatting with MLS Commissioner Don Garber, ESPN Soccer analyst Janus Michalik, MLS Coaches Dominic Kinnear (Houston) and Juan Carlos Osorio (New York), and current and former Fire front office staff (Former GM John Guppy and current Technical Director Frankie Klopas). The conversation with Guppy was especially amusing for this blogger, for various reasons which I will not elaborate here.

Chicago Fire being nice and making us wait less and making a great draft pick to boot. After trading away their first round pick to Toronto FC last summer for Brian McBride (SUCKERS!!!!!!), the Fire were without a scheduled pick untill the 28th pick (late second round). However, they made a trade with Colorado Rapids, swapping second round picks, and with Chicago sending the rights to former keeper Matt "Slim" Pickens to Colorado in exchange for cash.

Here's why this deal is so good. After a breakout one-year-wonder year, Pickens was last seen playing contract hardball with the Fire before announcing he was leaving to ply his trade in Europe. Not knowing how good he had it at Toyota Park, Pickens signed with, failed to crack the first team, and was subsequently released from Queens' Park Rangers. QPR is more or less to England what the LA Clippers are to America. Constantly mismanaged and generally a laughingstock. The Fire used their new 20th pick to draft All-American Baggio Husidic from UIC. The Bosnian-born player is part of a select group of players called "Generation Adidas" who get extra money from Adidas, and as a result, their salaries do not count against the league's criminally low salary cap. Husidic will likely find a role in the Fire's defensive midfield. Long story short, the Fire got just the player they needed in exchange for a player who didn't even play for the Fire last season, was a head case anyway, and the Fire even conned Colorado out of some money in the deal too.

Meeting two of the Fire's four draft picks.

Fourth-round selection Richard Jata, selected with one of the last picks in the draft (was the only player still sitting in the invited players' section) giving perhaps the most frank and honest speech I've ever heard any athlete give. As he got his team scarf, walked to the podium and said more or less "Yea......ummmm.....I want to thank my dad......and Chicago for drafting me......I really don't know what else to say....I didn't think I was going to get drafted.....sooooo.....I won't really waste your time here."


Shameless Plug to My First Installment of NCAA Tournament Projections

>> Tuesday

Yes, it is ridiculously early to try and project the NCAA Tournament. However, it seems like everyone else has started to take at the early shape of the NCAA Tournament field, so I figured why not fool all the cool kids and take my first look of the season. To further the shameless plug, I will be updating these projections weekly for the Sports Bubbler to go along with my semi-weekly column on all things Marquette, Wisconsin sports, and the national sports scene in general.

Editor's Note (Bracket Projection was through games of 1/12 and did not take into account the past three days of games).


Urban Meyer's Offspring is as Impressive as his Football Intellect

>> Saturday

Just take a gander at this hot tamale...

Not just that, but look at how he sensually holds the female sideline reporter around the waist. You gotta believe The Wife was none too happy about that. 


You Might be a Homo if....

You run like this clown!


"Umm... You know you guys can start posting again anytime now."

>> Thursday

Quiet, you smart-mouthed hypothetical devoted reader. [I say hypothetical, of course, with dual intent in that a) no one but the voice in my head said the statement in the title, and b) I'm not sure a devoted reader of this blog exists anymore.]

Ok, so I get it--we've written exactly two legitimate posts in the last four weeks, and that's pretty pathetic. It's also pretty apparent that--at least speaking for myself--the effort is mostly nonexistent. What can I say--it was bound to happen eventually.

If recent weeks haven't already given you the hint, it's unlikely that I'll post much anymore, which, given the sheer volume of drivel I've dumped on this blog since its creation, probably means the front page won't change too often. Having said that, I don't plan to quit posting altogether, but it will only be on those rare occasions when an observation or idea tickles me in that extra-special way. That is to say, don't ever expect me to return to my old rapid-fire posting ways, which were the product of a frame of mind that (for the better) has become pretty distant.

To make up a little for this unprecedented run of laziness, I decided to create a "Best of YCS" tag, which you can enjoy by clicking the link in the upper-left corner of the page.
You'll notice that I simply tagged a bunch of our 2006 posts along with our '07 and '08 retrospectives, which were essentially best-of compilations, rather than tagging more individual posts. Again--the laziness thing. Maybe I'll go through the last two years more thoroughly if I feel like getting around to it, or if anyone else would like to tag / nominate posts that I overlooked, be my friggin' guest (especially--as you'll notice--because I totally shafted the other authors with my tagging).

Anyway, I just felt I needed to apologize for my / our slacking. Who knows--maybe we'll get crazy diarrhea of the keyboard once the NCAA Tournament and baseball season roll around, and I'll totally backtrack on my vow of selectivity. Only time or possibly a Ouiji board will tell. In the meantime, keep us on your Google Reader, no matter how much or how little we post. Eventually we'll pop up. :-)

With love and affection always and forever,
Your pal, Jesus Shuttlecock (or as you know me by my pseudonymn, "Vinnie")

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