From the "Pictures I Never Expected to See" File

An excerpt from the show:

Morgan: You just don't see any great movies these days.
Clooney: Well, I beg to--
Morgan: You used to have movies like The Sting that had great actors in them--Paul Newman, Robert Redford... guys like that. But all of today's movies have holes and weaknesses. There just aren't any great movies anymore.
Bench: ...Or great actors. I don't think any actor from today's era should ever get a star on the Walk of Fame.
Clooney [incensed]: Now just one minute...!
Ellen: Boys--
Clooney: It's just that I finally agree to come on this ridiculous show, and this is what I get? Listen--You guys were great ballplayers in your day, but could you do us all a favor and leave your retarded opinions on movies to yourselves?
Bench: No, you listen to me--
Ellen: Hey, everyone--Let's dance!
["The Groove Line" begins to play; Morgan pops up and starts shuffling around in a small circle while Clooney sits silently, forehead in hand.]
Morgan: Come on, Johnny! Get down with your bad self!

Read more...

Mindless commentary on the Home Run Derby

All right, I’m sitting down to watch the Home Run Derby with a Baby Ruth (which I admittedly bought partly because it offers a chance at winning World Series tickets…I didn’t win them) and several beers. Since it’s just me and the kid, I don’t really have anyone to talk to (I say, “Can you believe that Alex Rios has more home runs than Albert Pujols at this point?” and he just shits his pants). So I’m gonna give a half-assed, increasingly drunken running blog of this event.

Before it gets started, let me just say that I am a fan of dunk contests, home run derbies and such. I know most of the blogging sports fans hate anything with this kind of fanfare and lack of meaning, but as Vinnie once put it, Ken Tremendous is not the boss of me. These events are entertaining. There is no deep explanation why I enjoy watching a bunch of guys hit baseballs five times as far as I ever could. I just do. Okay, we’re ready to go.

Introductions: this is obviously influenced by my hometown bias, but Chris Berman is a fucking idiot introducing Prince Fielder. Not only does he play on the father/son thing (which, thanks to SI, everyone knows is not Prince’s favorite topic) but he emphasizes the surprising Milwaukee Brewers. Surprising? To the casual baseball fan, maybe, but if you work for the biggest sports entertainment industry in the world (or if you’re a fan who closely follows the game) it really shouldn’t surprise you that the Brewers are doing well, just like last year’s Tigers shouldn’t have really surprised you. Okay, homer rant over.

Hey, did you know that Justin Morneau is Canadian? I bet he dresses in all denim, smokes a lot of weed and hunts moose.

Waldo caught the first home run. And Berman is quickly establishing that he’s going to do the “backbackbackback” routing for every fucking home run. (CB: “Man, this will never get old. Baseball, peanuts, beer and backbackbackback.”)

How many fewer home runs would we see if they only gave these players nine outs? Every year there’s at least one guy that hits like three or four homers on the final out. Or maybe the players try extra hard for the “State Farm Gold Ball” because it goes to some kind of charity. Doesn’t it? I’m not sure where that money goes.

You know that guy that you invite to your poker game because your buddy backed out at the last second and you need to get a few more dollars in the pot, but then the bastard takes all your money? Matt Holliday could be that guy.

People who criticize Barry Bonds for not participating in the Derby…get real. The man is old by normal people standards, not to mention athlete standards. Can you imagine if Bonds participated in the Derby, and pulled something or tore something, and couldn’t get those next four home runs? Yeah, yeah, “That’d be awesome! The integrity of baseball would be upheld.” Whatever. Bonds would be the biggest idiot in the world if that happened.
Also on Bonds: he’s sitting here complaining that he’s being judged by third parties who don’t really know him. That’s what being an athlete is all about! Nobody’s saying that Barry Bonds is a horrible person who should be locked up (well, almost no one). People are upset that he’s cold towards the media and that he used steroids. Those are the things that we do know about him.

Commercial break. This gives me an opportunity to mention a hypothetical event that would be even more fun than the current Home Run Derby. That is a home run derby made up of players who generally hit for average and decent hitting pitchers. Wouldn’t everyone love to see Big Z face off against Scott Podsednik or David Eckstein in a home run contest? I know I would.

I know Vlad, Prince and Howard haven’t hit yet, but honestly, who though Alex Rios and Matt Holliday would be winning this thing at any point?

I love Joe Morgan calling Prince Fielder “overlooked.” The fact that he was voted into the All-Star Game ahead of Pujols proves that he’s widely recognized. It’s a pretty solid rule that whenever Joe Morgan calls a player “overlooked” or “underrated” he is either referring to a small white player that sucks, or he’s referring to a guy that everyone except Joe Morgan has recognized as a great young player.

Well Prince’s first try at the Derby was disappointing, but not all that surprising. This sun factor could be interesting, with the pitches now coming out of the sun into the shadows. We’ll see how it affects the rest of the field.

Wow, Ben Sheets’ son looks even dumber than his dad.

Hahahahahahaha! Joe Morgan on the Brewers’ success: “I actually have to pat myself on the back here, because I went to one game in the preseason and said ‘If these guys stay healthy, they’re going to be good.’…” (emphasis Joe’s) One game! This from the man who is constantly saying “I haven’t seen (insert team/player here) enough to comment on them.” Man, Joe Morgan is the dumbest person alive.

David Ortiz should be at every Home Run Derby for as long as he’s alive. He makes it more fun for everyone.

Justin Morneau almost nailed a small kid with a line drive to right field. I may be a sadistic fuck, but the kid deserved to get plunked for not paying attention. I mean, you get a chance to shag balls for some of the best Major Leauge hitters and you’re out there picking your butt? God damn.

Quick odds on Pujols beating Marneau’s one home run: 8/1

There it is. Berman did the Alcatraz reference. Jesus, is this guy predictable or what?

More Berman: “Holliday puts this ball on a holiday.” What does that even mean? In no way, in no person’s brain, could this statement make any sense.

Holliday just hit one 469 feet. Ryan Howard called him a pussy.

Also I’m calling it right now: Holliday will come in second. He’s wearing himself out in the second round, and the championship round starts from scratch. So mark it. Matt Holliday for second place.

Now Berman tried to explain his previous statement: “In Canada they say when you go on holiday, you go on vacation. He put a couple of these balls on holiday.” Okay, first off, that still makes no sense. And second, the Canadian reference doesn’t even make sense. Finally, I don’t know if you got Holliday and Morneau confused, but what’s with the Canada reference at all?

Wow. Alex Rios. Just…wow. Caught me off guard. I’m cheering for him now.

During commercials and inane chatter, I am working on filling out child support papers (hold your jokes, it gets better) and my favorite section is “If the Location of This Parent is Not Known…” and the following questions are “Has this person ever been arrested?” “Date of Arrest or Conviction,” “Name of Parole/Probation Officer,” and finally “Is this parent currently incarcerated?” (Okay, now you can let loose…Bechtel, I’m looking at you)

I’m rooting against Vlad simply because Joe Morgan picked him to win.

Well, my Holliday for #2 prediction is done. I could just go back and delete that prediction, since none of this is being posted in real time. But I’m leaving it in there to preserve my integrity. Or maybe I went back and put that in to make me look more honest than I really am. Or maybe I left it in there so you would think I went back and put it in there to make me look more honest than I really am. Did I just blow your mind?

Great. Vlad has to hit three home runs to win the Derby. Enthralling. I’m on the edge of my seat. They need to bring David Ortiz into the “booth” to make this interesting.

Vlad just got robbed by Pixar. The fucking “Cars” advertisement, which rises above of the left field wall blocked what would normally have been a home run.

ODELE! We have a champion! Good night folks.

Read more...

Demand variety! Join the fight! Boycott Yankees-Red Sox!

I am a baseball fan. I love baseball. I love just about anything related to or resembling baseball. Normally, I can sit and watch any game involving nine players a side, some kind of bat (or broomhandle or tree limb or prosthetic leg, a la Lenny on The Simpsons... or anything else bat-like), and a small, roughly spherical object and be happily entertained. Shit, I could watch two teams of Catholic nuns play stickball with a fish head in quick sand and... Well whatever, I think I've done enough exaggerating for effect.

But goshdarn, if I watch another ESPN Yankees-Red Sox broadcast this season, it just might be my last... you know, because I'd stop watching them. (Whoa, chill out, dude, I'm not gonna do something crazy.) It's just... too damned many.... too much hype... too much east coast-edness. I mean, is a Rockies-D'Backs game too much to ask for?!

Well instead of getting angry about it, I decided to take action. So if all of you in YCSNation will join me, for this Sunday night, I'm proposing a one-week boycott of ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball. And to prove I mean business, I've already taken written action... by making a tongue-in-cheek internet petition!

So if all of you will indulge me, please sign our petition. If we all band together, I bet we could have ten, maybe twenty signatures in no time!

Come on YCSNation--fight the power!

P.S.: Don't ask me to explain why each paragraph in the petition is spaced a mile apart. That just happened. I'm also aware that there's a typo or two in there, but you can't edit it, so shut up.

Read more...

Welcoming the new season like we sent off the last--bitter and ripe with complaints

slidepiece - n. term popularized by baseball broadcaster Joe Morgan; any pitch that is not a fastball (and sometimes a fastball when Joe is having an off-night)

Year after year, I'm amazed how, for someone so impressed with his own baseball knowledge, Joe Morgan struggles to identify pitches. Tonight's example came in the eighth inning when Mets reliever Joe Smith threw a pitch with clear textbook sinker action, and Joe called it a "slidepiece," his favorite made-up word for a breaking pitch.

I understand that it takes a certain type of eye and level of familiarity to distinguish different breaking pitches in real-time (and I'll also add that Smith has a sidewheeling delivery that creates slightly different action than the same pitch thrown by an overhand delivery), but I just think that someone who seemingly believes he knows everything about baseball should be able to call pitches better than some average schmuck like me.

And with that, baseball season is upon us.

Read more...

A little something more on the Veterans Committee

Right away, thanks to reader "TR" for tipping us off to this ESPN Radio 1000 clip of a Bruce Levine interview with Joe Morgan (feat. mystery woman). Listen and continue reading.

First off, it's a shame we don't get more of this interview because this tiny clip doesn't represent Levine's position very well. Having said that, the clip doesn't make Levine or Morgan sound very good. As far as we can tell, Levine is a) upset that the Veterans Committee didn't vote Ron Santo into the Hall of Fame, b) displeased with the VC because they haven't voted in anyone the last three times they've convened, and c) in favor of discarding the Veterans Committee altogether.

Morgan, on the other hand, gets offended by Levine's challenge to the Committee's qualifications without offering any reason why they are truly qualified. Then by admitting he lacked knowledge of an eligible candidate, Morgan conveniently illustrates why we should question the committee's qualifications.

Morgan's assertion that the committee shouldn't be obligated to elect someone just because they convene is correct. The biannual convening of the baseball deities is an opportunity to veto a flagrant ommission by the writers; it necessitates no particular action, other than a careful review of eligible candidates. The three consecutive meetings without an election does not in itself signify a flaw, as some have oddly suggested. If a Bill Mazeroski-type had been elected each of the last three rounds, now that would signify a flaw. When Maz got elected in 2001, the VC was doing their job too well, so to speak.

The suggestion that the VC has outlived its purpose baffles me as well. I tend to think that a body with veto power over the writers' vote will always be useful. Whether it should be solely populated by Hall of Fame players is an altogether different question--the answer to which is, "Probably not."

I guess my point, if I have one, is this. Neither the writers nor the VC are very qualified to vote on the Hall of Fame. Baseball fans should feel uncomfortable knowing that Hall of Fame induction goes by way of Yankees-obsessed MSNBC columnist Mike Celizic--better known as Fire Joe Morgan's "Hatguy" (pictured above right, in different hat)--and that his opinion is checked by the likes of Morgan. The problem with the VC is not that they elect too few players or that their function is obsolete. The problem is that they may be as biased and uninformed as the writers. And if that's the case, why should they have veto power?

Are members of the VC as biased and uninformed as Chuck Beatwriter of the Minneapolis Star who only got his position because Harry Editorinchief is his uncle? Not likely, but I doubt there are many Rob Neyers in the bunch. And perhaps more important than the individual merits of the members is the collective bias inherent in the fact that the VC members are all Hall of Famers themselves. That's kind of a problem too.

Joe Morgan is right--it means something that the writers voted a guy down for fifteen straight years. But if a VC member (i.e. one like Joe) justifies voting for no one on this basis, then it altogether defeats the purpose of the committee. Judging by the vote totals this week, most of the members are not so stupid. Which is encouraging.

Until Peter Gammons and Rob Neyer's votes count for ten each, the HOF does need some kind of veto power on the writers. But if Joe Morgan thinks that the living Hall of Famers--with their lack of commitment to research and their inherent bias--are best qualified to serve this role, then he is an arrogant fool. But we already knew that.

(One last thing--is it just me or does Celizic look like a completely different person with a change of hat? Observe:

Judging by his proclivity to contradict hiself in his columns, a reasonable theory is that he morphs into different people depending on what hat he's wearing.)

Read more...