Arizona Cardinals to Unveil Super Bowl Special Helmet

Much like college teams from time to time do in bowl games, the Arizona Cardinals are considering a one-off special helmet for their first-ever trip to the Super Bowl. Our sources deep within the Cardinals' front office have revealed these designs as the finalists that the Cardinals' brass are considering for the game in two weeks.
Rumored to be the front-runner, the "Flying Pig" design is said to have tested very well in focus groups. The design is said to be a living history of the Cardinals organization. The winged pig design represents not only the Cardinals' current state of affairs, but also the team's entire storyline up to this point, starting from their humble founding on the South Side of Chicago, not far from the Union Stockyards. While the stockyards closed in 1971, the Cardinals would continue being regularly slaughtered for the next 36 years, and so the flying pig not only represents the good times, but also every other moment in the Cardinals' franchise history except today.

This design tested very well with both the players and the fans, but its one-fingered salute towards....well...pretty much everyone to come in contact with or make reference to the franchise in the last 40 years or so faces stringent FCC hurdles and must clear that bureaucracy before it can be used on national television in the Super Bowl.

Rumor has it that the team's ownership is a tad superstitious, and is urging a return to the "lucky" helmet design that the Cardinals wore the last time they won an NFL Championship in 1947. The Players' Union and sane doctors everywhere on the other hand overwhelmingly disapprove of this design.
Cardinals I.T. intern Kyle Brecherman, characteristically left with nothing social to do this past Friday spent the entire night creating a prototype helmet featuring the Bizarro Superman design. "It's really fitting of the Bizarro World . Where else would the Arizona Cardinals be in the Super Bowl? My prototype is not only visually striking, but also inspires hope." The 22-year old Brecherman said as he paused for a moment to remove his retainer, "I mean, if the Cardinals are in the Super Bowl, then maybe we really ARE in Bizarro World. If that's the case, my scoliosis, asthma, bad teeth, and complete lack of social skills are only in Bizarro World too! Which means that I'm actually COOL in the real world!" When informed that if his hypothesis was true, then in the real world, Brecherman's mother would no longer think he was cool, and that Star Trek would never have been created, Brecherman immediately broke into tears and became inconsolable.


The dark horse design in this whole process is the cruel and spiteful passing of the "Being the laughingstock of the league" torch from the Arizona Cardinals to the Detroit Lions. The league disapproves of this design, largely due to what is viewed as the Cardinals sadistically disgracing the Super Bowl with the use of anything related to the Detroit Lions. When pressed for further comment, league officials were forced to admit that the Cardinals had a point.

Read more...

Indiana Coaching Search

After the debacle following the reigns of their previous two coaches, there will be one thing I can guarantee has been mandated in this search: Indiana's next coach must be white.

Current leader in the clubhouse, Tony Bennett, had your prototypical white boy game, not to mention his extremely white father Dick Bennett. In fact, being the son of such a crusty older gentleman gives Bennett the boost his age (38) and NBA experiences would have hindered.

Now, should Bennett rebuff Indiana, the next options would most definitely be as white, if not whiter. Former Stanford coach Mike Montgomery, plenty white, what with his failure to reign in those NBA players being a major plus. Lon Kruger would be the slightly younger, but more well traveled version of Montgomery.

In fact, in preparing for this post, I may or may not have overheard the following conversation between the Blue Ribbon Committee and Indiana AD Rick Greenspan:

BRC: "We really like this Anthony Grant fellow, nice success at VCU and great pedigree at Florida, where he played a big part in recruiting the back-to-back national champions. Also, he should be relatively affordable."

Greenspan: "I don't know, I tried making a bold hire with Sampson and we all saw how that ended. Between you guys and I, I feel awfully lucky to still be employed. This Grant character, while likely successful and a good recruiter in all, would upset the old apple cart a bit. A young coach whose team averages more than 70 points a game, we do not want any of that at Indiana."

BRC: "All right, we understand your apprehension here, Grant is a bit inexperienced and all. Okay, we have always been impressed with this Tom Crean guy. An experienced coach, going on a decade at Marquette with a Final Four, recruited multiple NBA players and participated in 5 NCAA Tournaments."

Greenspan: "While this seems to be a good hire, you have to look beneath the surface here. His team plays a little fast for my taste and boy he seems focused on these damn quick players that like to run and dunk. While some fans wanted that James player, I applauded Mike Davis for passing on such a showman like, undisciplined kid that must be an Indiana transplant. He was definitely no Tom Coverdale or Kyle Hornsby, that I can tell you."

BRC: "All right, I guess you spoke with Bo Ryan for advice, so Crean's out. All right, we have one more candidate for you, John Calipari. You had to impressed with what they did the other night, beating your conference rivals like a drum"

Greenspan: All right, stop with this fucking charade. Who in the hell gave you these candidates, and don't they understand what Indiana basketball is supposed to be about. If we want to get back to winning national titles, we need to bring in a coach who recruits fundamentally sound, disciplined players who buy into the Indiana way. These guy have so been lacking in intangibles, it's not funny. Fuck it, you guys are clearly no help, I'm handling this shit on my own."

Personally, my recommendation for your next Indiana coach can be seen in the image on the upper right.

Read more...

Irish to Head West

Despite missing out on a bowl game, suffering more losses than any year in school history, and generally being the national laughingstock of college football, Notre Dame can claim one thing. Undefeated champion of California. The Irish went undefeated in the Golden State in 2007, notching wins at UCLA and Stanford. Their loss to USC was at Notre Dame.

Following their victory over Stanford, the Irish announced that they would be playing the entirety of next season in California.

"Sure, I guess it will be hard holding practice and classes in South Bend and playing every week in California, but you can't argue with results. Bottom line is we won twice as many games in California this year as we won in South Bend," coach Charlie Weis told reporters having been doused with gatorade after the glorious victory over the Cardinal.

Irish QB Jimmy Clausen agreed, "If anything, it'll help from the stands. Forget those asshole alums who expect national titles every year as their god-given rights even though they never set a foot on the field. Leave them in South Bend. How's the lake-effect snow you fucks? I'm sitting on the beach in Cali with smokin' hot ladies instead of stuck-up pizza-faced girls named Colleen and Maureen from Renssalaer." As for the fans, they're just glad we're showing up in their part of the country.

Read more...

Mets Thrilled to Miss Playoffs

The champagne and beer flowed freely in the locker room, music blared, specially-made t-shirts were busted out and the New York Mets players and coaches smoked cigars and celebrated being eliminated from the postseason by the Philadelphia Phillies clinch of the NL East.

"This is truly a team effort. Without the help of every ballplayer on this roster, we could not have achieved our goal of missing the playoffs," said a champagne-soaked Carlos Delgado.

"It started to look pretty bad about a month ago. The team was pulling away, and it looked like we would make the playoffs. I know the fans probably wanted us to win the division, but dude, seriously. How many games do you want us to play? We already played 162 this season, plus pre-season games. Are you not entertained? It's always more with you people. I mean, we've been at this since February and frankly, we're all kinda tired of it. So the team pulled together, bucked up, and set our goal on missing the playoffs. Judging by how we played in September (7 games up with 17 to go), I think you can say it worked!"

Pitcher Pedro Martinez agreed. "Man, have you ever been to New York in October? It can get cold, dude. Like, real cold. When deciding between freezing my nads off in Queens in October, or sitting on the beach with a bottle of rum, or playing some golf, or getting some home cooking, it really wasn't a question. We just couldn't risk going to the playoffs."

Paul Lo Duca reiterated the grave possibilities the Mets could have faced, "Who knows what could have happened if we'd gone to the playoffs, I mean, I know we were all itching to get home and we spend the season in New York City! Motha-fuckin' capital of the world and EVEN WE were starting to get bored. I can't imagine what would have happened if we had to play a team from a sticks-city like the Diamondbacks in the first round. Those guys have been surrounded by Gold Bond, shuffleboard, and adult diapers since Valentine's Day. They'd probably be so anxious to get the hell out of Dodge that they'd probably let us throw three straight no-hitters against them. Then we're in the NLCS, so that's another week working."

Lashing out at critics who said the Mets' catcher's approach to the postseason was "jaded and selfish," Lo Duca responded, "I know you say that playing baseball is supposed to be fun, but dammit, people! This is our job. This is work for us. It's not some stickball game with you and your buddies over a case of High Life. And we couldn't take any more. How would you like it if your boss wanted you to go to a conference during your two-weeks vacation? Not much I bet. Well, it's the same for us with the offseason and I'm not about to miss my fishing trip to Mexico next week for work."

So what's next for the Mets?

"I'm going to Disney World! Proclaimed David Wright as he launched another cascade of champagne over the room, "This has been such a ride! I just hope if we keep the team together, we can miss the playoffs again next season!"

The celebration lasted late into the afternoon, untill the players left the stadium, where they were pelted with rocks from distraught Mets fans.

Read more...

Shoe: "Don't worry about me. I'll be here next weekend."

Looking to reassure critics who have assailed him for being tardy at least, and at best, neglecting his job, Other Shoe today announced that he is not past his prime, and will in fact be dropping next week.

"I know a lot of people have been on my case now that the Cubs are in the playoffs, but don't worry you guys, I'm still gonna drop like I always do. Then we can put this whole thing to bed, and watch a World Series with the Yankees or Red Sox vs. NL Patsy just like you've come to expect."

The news came just as Cubs fans recovered from their drunken night of celebrating the team's first Division Championship in four years. Said Jeffrey Wilson of Oak Park, "I'll admit. Something just didn't seem right seeing the Cubs covered in champagne. I've seen this kinda thing before in '84, '89, '95, '98, '01, '03 and '04 was wondering what happened to the Other Shoe and if he was ever going to drop. Today's news reassures me that the Cubs will eventually tank it, and I won't have to get rid of that "Wait till next year" t-shirt I bought. Cause I mean, that cost like 20 bucks, dude."

Other Shoe declined to give any details of exactly when he would drop, preferring instead to leave the element of suspense. "I'm a showman," said the piece of footwear through fresh new laces, "You'll just have to stay tuned, wait, and see." Shoe did state that fans can expect to see him as soon as next weekend. Right around Game 4 or 5 of the NLDS.

Read more...

Commissioner Goddell on our fantasy league

Trying to get away from the whole Michael Vick saga, NFL commissioner Roger Goddell has decided to take a look at the fantasy league YCS staffers and friends of YCS participate in. Each team kept 6 players, with a 12 round draft last Saturday night. Here would be Mr. Goddell's breakdown of said draft and each team's rosters.

The Grifters (YCS staffer Zuch, fearless fantasy commissioner): Jesus, you actually kept Tatum Bell. Must not have not run that one by Broncos executives. Vincent Jackson taken in the second round. I don't think Jackson's parents are that high on him. Is this 2004 with Byron Leftwich actually getting drafted? It may be time to consult Dan Marino on how to handle a fantasy career without ever winning a title.

Bad Newz Kennelz (Friend of YCS Peter Sellis): I guess that taking Adrian Peterson counts as two running back spots, seeing as how the other two running backs you drafted will be inactive week one. You must have missed the memo that Tony Gonzalez would now be 75 years old and has a career back-up throwing to him. Speaking of old geezers, Isaac Bruce and Steve McNair. A hell of a fantasy combo at the turn of the century, but not quite so much in 2007.

The Replacements (YCS staffer Gavin): Eddie Kennison on a keeper league roster. If you desperately wanted a Chiefs receiver, you could have at least taken Dwayne Bowe. Pairing Kennison with Joe Horn, just ask Zuch how that combo worked for him last season. Backing those picks up by taking Amani Toomer, Eli Manning's third option. Once again, we're looking at the 2007 season, not trying to re-create the 2002 campaign. It only seems appropriate that you'd have Brett Favre quarterbacking this squadron.

Devolution (YCS Staffer Vinnie): Good lord, have you had time to digest the fact that you have to start 2 of Rex Grossman, J.P. Losman, Joey Harrington and Daunte Culpepper every week. I think Kellen Winslow has had more surgeries in his career than touchdowns. Your support of Chris Henry has just gotten him an extra year added to his suspension. If you losers can stop supporting these miscreants maybe I could shape this goddamn league up.

Counter-34 Pike (YCS Staffer Nate): Showing up to the draft drunk. Has Matt Millen's reign taught you anything? Jamal Lewis left his talent in the slammer. Maybe his example could teach these damn hellions that crime done not pay. Taking Cadillac Williams and Joey Galloway in the early rounds, you must not have watched any Buccaneers games last season. Enjoy that Jake Delhomme pick when he gets benched in week four. Also, good to see that you stayed in Chicago an extra night and took a spin in Lance Briggs's car.

Larry Horse (Friend of YCS Michael Blunda): Nice to see that you waited until round 3 to take an unquestioned starter. Terry Glenn and L.J. Smith should give your team a very formidable injured reserve. Ask Cleveland and Detroit fans how Jeff Garcia plays for shitty teams. The Mike Bell pick was so 2006. Still, this draft looks like less of an atrocity compared to the rest of the geniuses here.

PB Diddly Doodler (YCS staffer Paul): Congratulations on taking the first reach of the draft. I think this will be the only time that Bernard Berrian gets taken in the first round of a draft. Following that up by taking the back-up Falcons running back screams championship. Well that, and taking Lamont Jordan after his 2006 season. Also, mad props for drafting the first kicker three rounds before everyone else even thought of it.

The Tony Kornheisers (YCS staffer Matt): Plaxico Burress, I hope your team a strong training staff to get his fragile ass on the field. Alge Crumpler without Michael Vick, kind of like Ringo Starr without the Beatles. Ask David Carr how quarterbacking for Texans will work for Matt Schaub. Another team who mocks my disciplinarian ways by taking a scalawag like Jerry Porter. Your support of rogue ways will lead to more disappointment.

He Gone (Friend of YCS and chief bail bondsman Dan Cherwin): Deuce McAllister, Hines Ward, Ahman Green: You do realize the purpose of a keeper league would be trying to draft some young guys for the future. I don't think that David Martin's wife gave him two years to make a difference. And the point of drafting two defenses is what again? At least Tavaris Jackson is on the right side of 30, even if he sucks ass. Maybe that Ted Ginn character could be your team's elusive Fountain of Youth.

Golden Warriors (YCS staffer Danny): Yep, he's the one guy in the league who actually likes Brady Quinn and will make sure to own him the next ten years. Muhsin Muhammad and Joe Jurevicius will really solidify that receiving core. Maybe you can channel the spirit of Muhammad's 2004 season and fluke your way to a championship.

Read more...

Read this entire post, or you'll have made me waste the last twenty minutes

Obama invite Bonds? Probably

Tribune
August 9, 2007

Asked at a news conference in Oakland on Wednesday whether he would invite Barry Bonds to the White House if he were president, Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said he "probably would."

"It's a remarkable achievement," Obama said. "And he deserves, I think, our congratulations. I remain concerned about the cloud that exists not just in baseball but in everything from basketball to the Tour de France. I mean you just get a sense right now that sports is suffering from a crisis of confidence and my hope is that all the various sports leagues take those responsibilities seriously. I left out Michael Vick and what's happening in the National Football League.

"So you basically have every single sport suffering from some major questions."

Asked how he would have combated the growing steroid problem over the past decade were he president, Obama responded, "First of all, I would not have entered into an illegal war based on false pretenses," to which the crowd responded with a thunderous ovation. "But when I'm president, if we have actual information about big time athletes using steroids, and if Commissioner Selig won't act, I will."

Obama then further detailed his plans to address improprieties in professional sports were he elected president.

"If that means having federal agents storm Tim Donaghy's house with helicopters and tear gas, we will do that," Obama said. "If it means sticking a catheter in Floyd Landis's urethra while he sleeps to draw a urine sample, we will do that too. Or if it means dipping Michael Vick in corned beef hash and tossing him to a pack of starving pitbulls, we can do that also."

After several audience members chuckled in response to the latter comment, Obama added, "No, for real. Thanks to laws passed since 9/11, that's actually legal, and I would gladly do it."

Read more...

Commissioners Vote Unanimously to Consolidate Superfluous Athletes

In a move that analysts throughout the sporting community are calling shocking and "highly unnecessary," the commissioners of every major American sports league have voted to eliminate all players in their leagues that share a name with other professional athletes, consolidating each name into the best player with each individual name.

The movement, dubbed "Operation Cutback," was first proposed by NBA chief David Stern early last year as an organizational strategy and cost-saving measure. The proposal gained momentum as commissioners from the NBA, NHL, NFL and Major League Baseball grew incresingly wary of and confused by the proliferation of a few common - and possibly redundant - names among their athletes.

The turning point appeared to have come during a recent series between the San Diego Padres and Arizona Diamonbacks in late June. During an at-bat by D-Backs outfielder Chris Young against Padres starter Chris Young, baseball commissioner Bud Selig was overheard to exclaim, "Chris Young against Chris Young? What the hell is going on here?!?! Get me David Stern on the phone and tell him we're ready to move on this thing. This shit's gone too far. Also, what am I doing at a Padres-Diamondbacks game?"

Players from every sports league have been affected by the decision, some of whom will be forced, as NFL head Roger Goodell said in a statement released early Thursday, to "pack up [their] shit and get the hell out. Go find another job. We've already got plenty of [your first name] [your last name]s around here."

Still others face an even more daunting task, as they will be required, starting in January of 2008 to learn to play as many as three other sports at a professional level. "This is nuts, man," said Carolina Panthers WR and now-former NHL and NBA All-Star Steve Smith. "Did you know that I also coach third base for the Phillies? How am I supposed to handle that? I don't know shit about baseball. Worst of all, thanks to this new rule, I'm also that asshole that shaved points while playing basketball for Arizona State in the mid-90's. I have a criminal record now. This sucks."

Other athletes, however, have received the news quite positively, as many welcomed the increased opportunities and greater recognition the rule will provide. "This is awesome," said Nascar driver and Super Bowl champion coach Jimmie Johnson. "Not only do I still get to race, but I also get two Super Bowl rings and a chance to go on FOX every Sunday and talk about football! This fuckin' rules!"

Amid all the confusion, however, the new rule has made one thing undeniably clear. Kareem/Karim Abdul Jabbar is now unquestionably the greatest athlete ever. In addition to winning six NBA championships, a record six NBA MVP awards and three NCAA titles, analysts can now only stand and applaud the fact that after playing 20 years in the NBA, Jabbar still found the time and energy to rush for 3,000 yards and score 33 touchdowns for relatively poor Miami Dolphin teams in the mid '90s.

Read more...

Notre Dame to Play Against a Good Team BEFORE Getting Shellacked in a Bowl Game

Notre Dame's AD has announced that they have a deal to play Oklahoma in 2012 and 2013.

The deal is groundbreaking for the Irish, as outside of getting beaten by USC by three or four touchdowns seemingly every year, Notre Dame is used to playing the elite of college football almost exclusively in bowl games, where the Domers have not won since the staff of this blog was in fourth grade.

In recent years, Notre Dame has often spurned programs of Oklahoma's calibre when scheduling games; preferring instead to play a "national schedule" which is routinely rated as "one of the toughest in the country."

Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis commented, "It'll be really great to get Oklahoma so early in the season (replacing ND's current contract with Michigan.) Getting to play the Sooners one or two weeks into the season should really give our boys a good tune-up for the slugfests against Army and Syracuse later in the season."

Weis was further questioned on that point, with reporters noting that last year ND beat Army 41-9, and Army finished the season 3-9, so it didn't look like it was that tough of a game given that, well...few if any of the Army seniors are going to the NFL. They're probably going to Iraq. Weis retorted angrily.

"Yea, they're going to Iraq. You think they're a bunch of pussies? Tell that to al-Qae...you know what? You go ahead and write that story. You do your fuckin' job and I'll do mine. All I know is, Army didn't go to the Sugar Bowl last year and we did. Sure we lost 41-14, but all that means is if a few plays went the other way, then we were only a few plays away from winning. You know, we've got a winning streak against Navy that goes back to the Kennedy Administration. Think that's luck? Or that Navy just sucks? No. We fuckin' own those guys. Air Force and North Carolina don't beat themselves either. You guys think that just happens? No way. That's the end result of the tradition of excellence we expect out of our young men here at Notre Dame."

Weis then stormed out of the media room, and refused to answer any questions about the Irish's highly-anticipated showdown with Duke this year. The 1945 Sugar Bowl Champions visit South Bend on November 17th.

Read more...

Zambrano turns up heat in Final Vote election

WASHINGTON -- Carlos Zambrano wants to go to the All-Star Game, and he wants it bad.

Zambrano, who currently trails Padres starter Chris Young by a slim margin in the Monster.com All-Star Game Final Vote election, has made an aggressive push for the coveted 32nd roster spot on the National League all-star team in recent days.

Zambrano's "Z is for Me" campaign has reportedly raised $11 million in the last four days through ferverous grass roots fund raising.

"We've really tapped into the power of the internet," said Zambrano's campaign manager, Juan Carlos Raul Baez-Rodrigo. "Especially in attracting the young voters--Carlos is huge on MySpace and other social networking websites."

The Cubs pitcher has also spent his last two days in Washington D.C., where the Cubs are in town to play a four-game series against the Nationals, meeting with lobbyists on Capitol Hill.

"This guy Young thinks he's gonna take Big Z's all-star spot?" Zambrano said in a press conference before Tuesday night's start. "Big Z doesn't think so."

Zambrano justified his candidacy by noting his recent hot stretch and high strikeout total before going on the offensive against Young.

"This guy Young has nothing," Zambrano told reporters. "Nothing."

The fiery superstar discredited his opponent with a series of attacks on Young's character, including accusations of poor hygiene, small genetalia, homosexuality, a penchant for female undergarments, and an extramarital affair with a young boy. "Read my lips," said Zambrano as he pointed toward the reporters surrounding him in the dugout, "Chris Young is a fag."

Zambrano backed up his bold language on the mound, pitching 6 2/3 innings of one-run baseball to improve his record to 10-6, including a 5-1 stretch in his last six decisions. However, despite Zambrano's impressive 1.42 ERA over that same stretch, he still trails Young for the season in that category, 2.16 to 3.87.

"The smart fans--they don't care about that," Zambrano said of Young's advantage in ERA. "They know those first two months weren't me. That wasn't Big Z. That was Beelzebub. Big Z doesn't give up six runs."

Despite Zambrano's remarkable confidence, Young insists he is unfazed.

"Carlos is a fat windbag, who's probably not even legal here," Young said prior to the Padres game against the Marlins Tuesday night in San Diego. "I'm Ivy League-educated. I have friends in important places. I read a lot. I'm clearly much smarter than Carlos," added Young as he held up a stack of books.

"He's puerile at best to conjecture that he will triumph."

A spokesperson from foreveryoung.org, the Young campaign's official website, acknowledges that donation requests have increased in the last several hours. The campaign is also preparing an official statement and a television ad to refute Zambrano's accusations of pedophilia.

When addressed with the concern that voters may have difficulty distinguishing the two candidates, Young responded, "I have a 2.16 ERA. His is 4-something. I'm a 6'10" white guy. He's Venezuelan. I play for the Padres. He plays for the Cubs. What could possibly be the probelm?"

Addressed with the same concern, Zambrano responded, "Platform? Centrist? Straw polls? What the fuck are you talking about? We play baseball."

Read more...