Set my fantasy football line-up this week

Who the hell do I start? Marshall and Fitzgerald are locks, but who else to start? Hey, help me out. I'm your punching bag in the YCS-dominated "House of Warriors" league.

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The Top of My Fantasy Football Draft Board

Just in case anyone of you guys want a preview into what player I'm looking at taking at number five, it will be tough to pass on the new Fajita Steak Melt at Taco Bell. Seriously, this may be the best new item Taco Bell has brought aboard in years and worth clogging your arteries for (can't find a damn picture of it on Google though).

Oh, and by orders of the commissioner here, I demand that Darren McFadden drops to my spot or else I give you the Polish curse that leads to behavior like this.

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Commissioner Goddell on our fantasy league

Trying to get away from the whole Michael Vick saga, NFL commissioner Roger Goddell has decided to take a look at the fantasy league YCS staffers and friends of YCS participate in. Each team kept 6 players, with a 12 round draft last Saturday night. Here would be Mr. Goddell's breakdown of said draft and each team's rosters.

The Grifters (YCS staffer Zuch, fearless fantasy commissioner): Jesus, you actually kept Tatum Bell. Must not have not run that one by Broncos executives. Vincent Jackson taken in the second round. I don't think Jackson's parents are that high on him. Is this 2004 with Byron Leftwich actually getting drafted? It may be time to consult Dan Marino on how to handle a fantasy career without ever winning a title.

Bad Newz Kennelz (Friend of YCS Peter Sellis): I guess that taking Adrian Peterson counts as two running back spots, seeing as how the other two running backs you drafted will be inactive week one. You must have missed the memo that Tony Gonzalez would now be 75 years old and has a career back-up throwing to him. Speaking of old geezers, Isaac Bruce and Steve McNair. A hell of a fantasy combo at the turn of the century, but not quite so much in 2007.

The Replacements (YCS staffer Gavin): Eddie Kennison on a keeper league roster. If you desperately wanted a Chiefs receiver, you could have at least taken Dwayne Bowe. Pairing Kennison with Joe Horn, just ask Zuch how that combo worked for him last season. Backing those picks up by taking Amani Toomer, Eli Manning's third option. Once again, we're looking at the 2007 season, not trying to re-create the 2002 campaign. It only seems appropriate that you'd have Brett Favre quarterbacking this squadron.

Devolution (YCS Staffer Vinnie): Good lord, have you had time to digest the fact that you have to start 2 of Rex Grossman, J.P. Losman, Joey Harrington and Daunte Culpepper every week. I think Kellen Winslow has had more surgeries in his career than touchdowns. Your support of Chris Henry has just gotten him an extra year added to his suspension. If you losers can stop supporting these miscreants maybe I could shape this goddamn league up.

Counter-34 Pike (YCS Staffer Nate): Showing up to the draft drunk. Has Matt Millen's reign taught you anything? Jamal Lewis left his talent in the slammer. Maybe his example could teach these damn hellions that crime done not pay. Taking Cadillac Williams and Joey Galloway in the early rounds, you must not have watched any Buccaneers games last season. Enjoy that Jake Delhomme pick when he gets benched in week four. Also, good to see that you stayed in Chicago an extra night and took a spin in Lance Briggs's car.

Larry Horse (Friend of YCS Michael Blunda): Nice to see that you waited until round 3 to take an unquestioned starter. Terry Glenn and L.J. Smith should give your team a very formidable injured reserve. Ask Cleveland and Detroit fans how Jeff Garcia plays for shitty teams. The Mike Bell pick was so 2006. Still, this draft looks like less of an atrocity compared to the rest of the geniuses here.

PB Diddly Doodler (YCS staffer Paul): Congratulations on taking the first reach of the draft. I think this will be the only time that Bernard Berrian gets taken in the first round of a draft. Following that up by taking the back-up Falcons running back screams championship. Well that, and taking Lamont Jordan after his 2006 season. Also, mad props for drafting the first kicker three rounds before everyone else even thought of it.

The Tony Kornheisers (YCS staffer Matt): Plaxico Burress, I hope your team a strong training staff to get his fragile ass on the field. Alge Crumpler without Michael Vick, kind of like Ringo Starr without the Beatles. Ask David Carr how quarterbacking for Texans will work for Matt Schaub. Another team who mocks my disciplinarian ways by taking a scalawag like Jerry Porter. Your support of rogue ways will lead to more disappointment.

He Gone (Friend of YCS and chief bail bondsman Dan Cherwin): Deuce McAllister, Hines Ward, Ahman Green: You do realize the purpose of a keeper league would be trying to draft some young guys for the future. I don't think that David Martin's wife gave him two years to make a difference. And the point of drafting two defenses is what again? At least Tavaris Jackson is on the right side of 30, even if he sucks ass. Maybe that Ted Ginn character could be your team's elusive Fountain of Youth.

Golden Warriors (YCS staffer Danny): Yep, he's the one guy in the league who actually likes Brady Quinn and will make sure to own him the next ten years. Muhsin Muhammad and Joe Jurevicius will really solidify that receiving core. Maybe you can channel the spirit of Muhammad's 2004 season and fluke your way to a championship.

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YCS Fantasy Football Guide 2007 - K's

About a week ago, I provided my expert opinions on what RB's you should choose in your fantasy draft. Now, I'm helping you out with the ultra-important choice of kickers. Remember, a lot of fantasy football games are decided by only a few points (and many more are decided by more outrageous disparities), so having a good kicker can make or break yours season.

As I mentioned in my last Fantasy Football Guide, I'm actually not a football expert at all. In fact, I follow NFL football almost exclusively during the fantasy football season (which means weeks 16 and 17 are irrelevant to me).

Yet, I feel more than adequately informed to provide you with my oustanding advice that is based on unfounded favoritism, unabashed subjectivity, and tidbits I picked up at the draft I attended last weekend.

Now, picking kickers is a little easier than choosing RB's; there's not much difference between a top tier kicker and a shanker... except Robbie God, I mean Gould, who is easily the most precious, adorbable kicker of all time.

Must-Have Kickers
Obviously, Robbie Gould falls into this class. He's amazing. You can throw Adam Vinatieri in here as he is "The Greatest Clutch Kicker of All-Time Plus He Played for an East-Coast Team When He Garnered This Title". I really believe these kickers are worth going out of your way to grab in the seventh or eight round of your draft when other guys are picking third-string running backs. Fantasy football isn't only about scoring the most points, but it's also about fielding the best guys at each position. I'm not sure how it works out, but it does.

Good Kickers on Good Teams
Football teams need to score points to win games, and good teams find ways to score (talk about insight!). You can't go wrong with a kicker who falls in this category. Of course, I'm not going to tell you who they are as I'm unqualified to do so.

Kickers Who Score a Ton of Points Because No One Else on Their Teams Do
Here's a good category. Often, these kickers can be more rewarding than good kickers on good teams because their teams have no other way of putting points on the board. This year, in horrible Berman-ism style, I'll pick Matt "Pot-Belly" Stover (Baltimore), Jason "Electric" Elam (Denver), Jeff Reed "Between the Lines" (Pittsburgh), and Ryan "Fourth and" Longwell (Minnesota).

Kickers to Avoid Because Their Teams Can't Even Find the End Zone
Here's another good rule. Don't choose a kicker on a team that never scores. And this year, I predict New Orleans' offense will bomb. Thus, you should avoid Olindo Mare.

Very Easily Confused Because They All Have Generic First Names that Start with "J" and Relatively Generic Last Names
I don't know about you, but I have a hell of a time keeping Jason Hanson, Josh Brown, Jeff Reed, and Jeff Wilkins straight. Throw in Josh Scobee, Jason Elam, John Kasay, Jay Feely, Justin Medlock, and Sebastian Janiksowski, and you could end up bewildered on draft day. I suggest avoiding all of them, and don't ever draft more than one of them. If you're strapped for time, you could end up starting Jason Hanson instead of Justin Medlock... Just imagine how devastating that could be for your team.

Hope that helps. And remember, if you win your league based on my advice, you can give me a cut. Please, I'm serious. I have more gambling debts than Bill Simmons.

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YCS Fantasy Football Guide 2007 - RB's

Ah yes, it's the middle of August, and that means only one thing: fantasy football drafts. Now, I'm not a big follower of NFL football except the 20-odd weeks of the year it's actually played. Yet, I've managed to finish in the top 3 in my league each of the last 3 years, so you might listen to a thing or two I say.

Without further ado, here's my advice on fantasy RB selection in your fantasy based solely on anecdotal evidence, foolish conjecture, and other people's opinions on football.

Best value
Larry Johnson - If he's not snatched at #2 or #3, you should pounce on him. Forget the contract hold-out. He's going to play, and he's going to rock your league. These contract things always work themselves out. Let's say he even missed a game or two. Big deal. Most early-season wins are based on luck in the draft and not based on long-term roster management. Ever notice how the best teams in your fantasy league come on strong at the end of the year? Yeah, it's just like real sports. If your star RB can come on strong at the season's end, you're a lock for the playoffs.

Best combo to draft as a pair
Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush - If you're like me, you don't have the time nor do you care enough to try to figure out who's going to get more touches, who's going to get the ball in the red zone, who's going to star in the team's season tickets commercials, or who's going to lay the linebacker's wife. I say, "Fuck it, I'll just draft both of them." Drew Brees and Colston aren't going to repeat last year's performance, so these guys will do even more for the Saints. Plus you can probably pick one of them up in the 2nd round and the other in the 4th or 5th round and look like an absolute genius.

Worst combo to draft as a pair
Marion Barber and Julius Jones - Drafting a pair of decent running backs can be cool (see the previous category), or it can really suck. If you make this move, you're stupid because 1.) neither of these guys is good enough to start every week for you anyways, 2.) Wade Phillips can't coach, 3.) Marion Barber isn't related to Tiki, meaning Marion Barber sucks and Ronde Barber is simply overrated, 4.) it's a proven fact that nobody has ever won a fantasy league with either of these two guys on their team.

Worst player on a good team
Laurence Maroney - Here's the type of RB you don't want in fantasy football, a decent guy on a great team... and worse yet, an overrated team who's supposed "dynasty" has been nothing but luck. I don't know how this team wins football games since every single Patriot clearly sucks at fantasy football, even that prima donna Brady. I bet the Pats work really well as a team on the field, are well-coached, blah blah blah. Who cares? You need yards and TDs, not victories and hooded sweatshirts with cut-off sleeves.

Best player on a bad team
Frank Gore - Here's another type of RB you better stay away from, a great player on a bad team. Yes, he carries the load for the Niners, and yes he carried the load for my fantasy league championship team last year (and yes, I'm going to mention that I won my league as many times as possible). But he still plays on a shitty team, so he doesn't get a ton of scores. And if you saw his documentary "An Inconvenient Truth," you realize he's still too bitter about losing the 2000 presidential election to focus on football. I'd only pick him if he falls to like #9 or #10 in your draft.

Most likely to make you regret you used your first pick on him
Joseph Addai - Talk about an unproven player! I didn't even know who he was until Week 9 last year. Here's a pretty good criterion for making your first round pick, "Is he one of the top 12 most recognizable names in the NFL?"... or better yet, "Would I build an actual NFL franchise around this man?" ... or even more importantly, "Would I draft him on Madden with my first draft pick in franchise mode?" If you answer no to any of those questions, then you're drafting on hype, potential, and lunacy. Or maybe you're just smarter than I am about football.

Most likely to get injured and make you say, "I should have known"
Brian Westbrook - He really has only been injured a couple times, but he plays with McNabb. And everyone knows how contagious ACL tears are.

Players you'll draft too high and say, "Aww man, but he used to be good on his old team."
Edgerrin James - This guy sucked last year. Somehow he inched his way to a 1000-yard season. All I remember was seeing him trip forward in two-yard increments and still asking for more touches. He needs to just accept that he plays for a perennial loser. The Cardinals blow. Forget the new stadium, insane wide-out talent, a proven college QB who is probably due for a good season... This team will still lose more than 10 games this season, and the Edge will provide nothing but regrets for your team.

Guys I would never draft because I don't watch college football and -- yes, I'm serious -- I've never, ever heard of them Marshawn Lynch - His name sounds pretty cool. I just can't see myself on draft day making the "bold pick" of an unproven rookie. Let some other schmo draft him who knows even less about football than you do, and he can be the schmo that says, "But he was rated highly on this list of fantasy projections that I printed out from MSN.com!"

Guys that you can safely draft and later say to your league, "But I meant to draft the OTHER Adrian Peterson" Adrian Peterson (MIN) and Adrian Peterson (CHI) - Enough said. I don't know who the Vikings' Peterson is, but I'm betting he doesn't look as much like Bob Marley as ours does.

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Important News of the Week: Bechtel's Fantasy Team Spared from Madden Curse

In perhaps the biggest story of the NFL offseason, EA sports announced this week that the much anticipated Madden 2008 cover boy will be Titans QB Vince Young and not, as many assumed, RB LaDainian Tomlinson from my fantasy football team (which, you may have heard, was runner up in our league thanks to some adept personell decisions* by its brilliant owner who then proceeded to win $40 and blow it on booze within like a day).

Sources say the "Madden Curse," the effects of which have been seen on past cover athletes Eddie George, Marshall Faulk, Daunte Culpepper, Mike Vick, Ray Lewis, Donovan McNabb and Shaun Alexander had little or nothing to do with the apparently sensible and rational Tomlinson. Instead, they just didn't offer dude enough cash. LT don't punk for nobody, EA sports, so take your torn ACL and shattered patellas elsewhere unless you wanna pony up the dough.

So, the moral of the story, I'm gonna win our fantasy league this year because my hall of fame running back in pretty much the prime of his career isn't going to be cursed this year. Also, who wants to trade me a wide receiver? Seriously, I got like Driver and that's it.

*"adept personell decisions" = drafting LT 2nd overall and then coasting to the championship game

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