The champagne and beer flowed freely in the locker room, music blared, specially-made t-shirts were busted out and the New York Mets players and coaches smoked cigars and celebrated being eliminated from the postseason by the Philadelphia Phillies clinch of the NL East.
"This is truly a team effort. Without the help of every ballplayer on this roster, we could not have achieved our goal of missing the playoffs," said a champagne-soaked Carlos Delgado.
"It started to look pretty bad about a month ago. The team was pulling away, and it looked like we would make the playoffs. I know the fans probably wanted us to win the division, but dude, seriously. How many games do you want us to play? We already played 162 this season, plus pre-season games. Are you not entertained? It's always more with you people. I mean, we've been at this since February and frankly, we're all kinda tired of it. So the team pulled together, bucked up, and set our goal on missing the playoffs. Judging by how we played in September (7 games up with 17 to go), I think you can say it worked!"
Pitcher Pedro Martinez agreed. "Man, have you ever been to New York in October? It can get cold, dude. Like, real cold. When deciding between freezing my nads off in Queens in October, or sitting on the beach with a bottle of rum, or playing some golf, or getting some home cooking, it really wasn't a question. We just couldn't risk going to the playoffs."
Paul Lo Duca reiterated the grave possibilities the Mets could have faced, "Who knows what could have happened if we'd gone to the playoffs, I mean, I know we were all itching to get home and we spend the season in New York City! Motha-fuckin' capital of the world and EVEN WE were starting to get bored. I can't imagine what would have happened if we had to play a team from a sticks-city like the Diamondbacks in the first round. Those guys have been surrounded by Gold Bond, shuffleboard, and adult diapers since Valentine's Day. They'd probably be so anxious to get the hell out of Dodge that they'd probably let us throw three straight no-hitters against them. Then we're in the NLCS, so that's another week working."
Lashing out at critics who said the Mets' catcher's approach to the postseason was "jaded and selfish," Lo Duca responded, "I know you say that playing baseball is supposed to be fun, but dammit, people! This is our job. This is work for us. It's not some stickball game with you and your buddies over a case of High Life. And we couldn't take any more. How would you like it if your boss wanted you to go to a conference during your two-weeks vacation? Not much I bet. Well, it's the same for us with the offseason and I'm not about to miss my fishing trip to Mexico next week for work."
So what's next for the Mets?
"I'm going to Disney World! Proclaimed David Wright as he launched another cascade of champagne over the room, "This has been such a ride! I just hope if we keep the team together, we can miss the playoffs again next season!"
The celebration lasted late into the afternoon, untill the players left the stadium, where they were pelted with rocks from distraught Mets fans.