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As you loyal readers know, I absolutely looove power rankings. More precisely, I looove to mock them. So here are my Power Value Vinnie Ranking Index NFL Power Rankings for Week 1.


1. Colts: We might as well hand them the Lombardi trophy right now after that stampede of the Saints. It's as the old saying goes, past results are a certain guarantee of identical future returns.

2. Patriots: If Week 1 is any indication, Brady and Co. are the premier offense in the NFL. And if the internet is any indication, Brady and Co. are the premier legal search firm in Ireland as well.

3. Chargers: It took Norv Turner just one game to prove that his past struggles as a head coach were a fluke amd that he's one of the NFL's all-time greatest coaches.

4. Steelers: This blue-collar bunch really answered the factory whistle on Sunday, packing their steel lunch pails with grit and mustard sandwiches in a workman-like win over the Browns.

5. Panthers: Things look like they're headed north in North Carolina as they look to reclaim the South.

6. Cowboys: If they keep up this pace, they'll top the 700-point mark for the first time in franchise history.

7. Bengals: The only thing "criminal" about this team is the way they committed all those crimes in the offseason.

8. Vikings: Sunday's game announced it loud and clear: The future of this franchise has arrived, and his name is Tarvaris Jackson.

9. Broncos: Their late comeback capped by Jason Elam's game-winning field goal really brought back memories of all those times John Elway kicked game winning field goals for them.

10. Seahawks: A very encouraging start for Coach Holmgren, as Shaun Alexander showed no ill-effects of his lisp.

11. Bears: Don't be fooled by the poor showing of their offensive line. Fat, old guys always improve as the season goes on.

12. Lions: While their Week 1 win was impressive, they're still a long way from Jon Kitna's guaranteed 7-win improvement from last season. As we all know, there's no precedent for this type of turnaround in the NFL.

13. Packers: Brett Favre isn't getting any younger. When you think about it, none of us are. Sort of makes you think about your own mortality, huh?

14. 49ers, Cardinals (tie): I fell asleep during halftime of this matchup. The game was tied then; hence they are precisely equal.

16. Texans: After Mario Williams's performance on Sunday, you don't hear anyone laughing at Charlie Casserly except Reggie Bush, the Saints, the entire NFL, and anyone who watched Reggie Bush in college.

17. Redskins: Antwaan Randle El's 162 Week 1 receiving yards would've been even more impressive were he still a quarterback.

18. Titans: They got off on the right foot in Week 1, and they'll get a real lift when cornerback Pacman Jones returns.

19. Bills: The Loss-man came out to lose again on Sunday, and that's really good for business on my end. It just writes itself, doesn't it?

20. Eagles: Losing Reggie White to free agency sent this franchise reeling for years. Losing Jeff Garcia may prove even more devastating.

21. Dolphins: The signing of Trent Green brought Miami the youthful spark they so desperately needed, but it couldn't pay dividends in Week 1.

22. Jets: The J-E-T-S faithful were wrong to cheer when Chad Pennington limped to the sidelines in the first half. Next time they should be sure he's out for good.

23. Saints: It's been about two years since New Orleans suffered that kind of category-five beatdown. Too soon?... What?... You can't fire me!... I'm talent!... TALENT!!!...

24. Raiders: Despite a loss, Joshua McCown turned in a performance that will guarantee him a starting spot with the Raiders for many years to come.

25. Buccaneers: After suffering an injury during the third quarter, Jeff Garcia returned to attempt a comeback--a show of manhood that should finally put this gay talk to rest for good.

26. Jaguars: A black quarterback and a white receiver are just two of many things backward about this team.

27. Ravens: The drumbeats for Troy Smith are getting louder. It's a travesty to hold back a talent like that for so long.

28. Giants: Happy-go-lucky Tom Coughlin and his funky bunch ought to have no problem bouncing back from a tough Week 1 loss.

29. Chiefs: We all know what Damon Huard and Eddie Kennison are capable of, but can the rest of this team step up?

30. Browns: After getting Fryed in Week 1, Romeo hopes to find his Juliet in the Mighty Quinn, or else it could be another Brown-out in Cleveland this year.

31. Rams: These guys probably deserve to be much higher, but I forgot about them going through the teens and don't feel like re-numbering. So now they stink.

32. Falcons: Michael Vick! Doggies! Joke! Haha funny! Weeee!!!