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People still use mouse pads?

I think the Cubs need John McDonough back.

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No, we hate you because you suck.

Not because you're black.

But nice try.

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Hitler Chimes in on Cubs Collapse '09

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Brilliant promotional idea for the White Sox

I've already lent my genius consulting services to the Brewers. Hopefully, it caught the eye of the White Sox people too because I just came up with a brilliant idea for them. That's what we do here at Vinnie's Brilliant Ideas, Inc., and it's a fool-proof business model. We pay me to think; I churn out brilliant ideas, which is a matter of habit for me. Just another day at the ofice.

So what's this latest great idea from the Vinnie's pipeline? Simple--Invite a special guest to sing the seventh inning stretch during the Cubs-Sox series at the Cell this year. Who, you ask? Why none other than P.R. Chief in Chief, Barack Obama.

The reasons to stage this promotion are multifold and obvious. 1) As we all know, Barry's a huge Sox fan, and since being innaugurated, he's already shown up once at the Cell--to throw out the first pitch on opening day this year. 2) He should have the time, now that he's finished flubbing the big decisions on the economy. 3) It would piss off Cubs fans who feel that they own the celebrity-performed (and occasionally sortafamousperson-performed) seventh inning stretch tradition. 4) We'd get to hear Barry sing! 5) It would settle the current mess in Iran... at least in some alternate reality construed by the lefties in the mainstream media.

Now, some Sox fans might object and be all like, "No! That's something gay the Cubs do, and they're fags who suck! We don't wanna suck like them!" But of course--as seasoned Chicago baseball fans know--the singing of the seventh inning stretch began as a White Sox tradition.

It would be great. They could even have the Motivational Speaker in Chief join Hawk and Stone Pony in the booth to call a few innings and try to catch foul balls with Harry's old fish net. Harrelson-Stone-Obama: What a dream team! My palms are sweating just thinking about it. (Oh wait--that's just because I've my hands in my crotch for the last hour. But still!)

I think the Sox need to act fast on this idea, though, and do it during this year's series before rising unemployment gives rise to civil unrest and ultimately a violent coup, at which point Obama will be just another refugee seeking asylum from the Limbaugh Liberation Militia. In the meantime, though, it'll be fun at the ol' ballpark, Obama-style.

So what do you say, Chairman Reinsdorf? Is it a go? Hell yeah, it's a go! No, thank you, Chairman Reinsdorf. You can send my check to:

Accounts Receivable

Vinnie's Brilliant Ideas, Inc.

1010 Awesome St., Suite Idea

Badass, IL 60606-$$$$

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Reaction in the blogosphere to reaction to reaction in the blogosphere... about Sammy Sosa

People react. My reaction.

Bleed Cubbie Blue: We now know, presuming the report on Sosa is true, that the joy [of the 1998 home run race] was indeed stolen from us. The numbers put up were put up by cartoon figures, not baseball players as we had known them for decades earlier. I know, I know, amphetamines in the 50s and 60s, other PEDs, other ways of cheating, ad nauseum . . . we were sold a bill of goods. They all swore up and down that they were honest -- "Flintstone vitamins," Sammy told us with a straight face. Now we know that face was lying to us, presuming the report is true.

Speak for yourself, homie. I still feel perfectly joyful about the homerun race because--sorry to burst your bubble--pretty much every pro athlete you watch is, on some level, cartoonish. And here's another eye opener--you probably haven't lived a single day on this planet in which someone, somewhere hasn't lied to your face about something. People lie. I lie. You lie. We all scream for lie lie. Get over it. Whenever I read / hear stuff like this, I wonder--How much of the 'roid (out)rage has to do with fairness to the other players, the record books, etcetera, and how much has to do with the critic's own feelings of lost connection? "Sammy, I thought we were best buds! I thought we shared all our secrets! But you lied to me! I don't know if I'll ever be able to love again *tear*."

Bugs & Cranks: It's expected because Sosa's career progression and statistics smack of performance enhancing drugs; there's such a dramatic spike in his power later in his career it almost moronic no one though to question Sosa at the time. Sosa's halfhearted denials and severe drop in performance after baseball began drug testing only amplified the expectation that his superstar turn was aided by the juice.

Hmm, that's an amusing take on things. You'd be right if you consider age 29 to be "later in his career." Then again, you'd also be a fool. One need only click through a few of Slammity Sam's highest comps on BR (Killebrew, Stargell, McCovey) to notice that peaking during the 29 to 32 range (or later) is perfectly normal. Maybe the leap was more dramatic, but again, unless you're Fergie Jenkins, you have no idea how much of this improvement may or may not have been due to PED use. Attribution to a smoking gun, e.g. steroids, is super easy when you have post facto knowledge that, yes, this factor was in play. And we should all have such selective memory. People did question his production at the time, especially following the McGwire andro controversy (See: Flinstone vitamins).

And lastly, the only useful sentiment on this topic:

Deadspin: The real outrage here, as it was with A-Rod, is not who's on the list but who's doing the leaking, a story that for obvious reasons The New York Times will not be writing. You'll remember that those tests results were supposed to be confidential--a perfectly reasonable expectation of any employee who submits to a drug test--yet now they're trickling into public view, merely because somebody wants to remind you to care deeply about steroids in baseball again.

Whoever's leaking these names is a manipulative coward, as are the people who were involved in deceiving the player's union. Rot in hell, a-holes.

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Fergie Jenkins should be one of Obama's economic advisers

"I don't think they [proven users of performance enhancing drugs] belong in the Hall of Fame," Jenkins said. "The drugs probably enhanced their performances about 20-30 percent. Sammy was in his 30s when he was apparently using and it gave him an edge in homers and RBIs."

Rule #1: Any numerical estimate is valid when the baseline is pulled from your ass.
Rule #2: When no one has the right answer, there's no such thing as a wrong one.
Rule #3: As long as you're popular, people will believe you.

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Happy Opening Day from YCS

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I shouldn't bring it up

If you hadn't heard, today is the fifth anniversary of Game 6 of the 2003 NLCS. I feel like an asshole even bringing up You Know Who, but I think this is an appropriate occasion to remind everyone how silly we look when a frivilous obsession takes us over.



I hope Mr. Bartman is doing well these days and that the piece of shit in the knit cap and Cubs jacket has either learned some perspective or is burning in hell.

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Four Men Out

Forget curses. Forget bad luck. Forget pressure. The problem with the Cubs this postseason was a handful of overpaid players that simply did not rise to occasion. It's time to single them out and question their worth on this team.

1. Ryan Dempster
I am very happy for the regular season that Dempster turned in. This guy wasn't even supposed to be starting during the regular season, but he rightfully won the job. But what the hell happened to him? As a former closer, this guy should be able to handle pressure. He totally choked, and he should have to compete for his job again. We're talking about a man who was 14-3 at home this season and turns in a dismal performance at home; a man who averages 3.3 walks per 9 innings allows 7 walks in less than 5 innings; and a man who gave up 14 home runs in 33 starts giving up a grand slam after he put all those runners on base. Pathetic.

2. Kosuke Fukodome
Fortunately, Lou Pinella removed Fukodome for Game 3. But not after he hacked (I doubt his swing could be considered a "hack") time after time, accomplishing absolutely nothing. I think he knew he could always fall back on the "Japanese players can't survive a 162-game season" excuse, and he just decided to get his at-bats over as quickly as possible. What happened to the patience at the plate? Was this guy really worth the money we pay him? Or the hype? Trade his ass.

3. Alfonso Soriano
Like Fukodome, Soriano made no bones about hiding the fact that he basically wasn't trying. I mean, you could see it. You could see it since mid-September. He wasn't hustling, and he wasn't focused at the plate. His near-assist in the first inning of Game 3 was for show; believe me, this guy didn't care one bit about winning. Again, we're looking at a Cubs player who is far too overpaid.

4. Aramis Ramirez
Are you kidding me? A 2-for-23 performance over the last two years? With exactly 0 RBI's and 7 K's. How many times could Derrek Lee get in scoring position only to have Ramirez do nothing? Lee had 3 doubles in 11 AB's for Pete's sake! And an OBP near .600 for the series. Somebody needs to tell this guy (and Soriano for that matter) to reign in his swing just a touch. I can't believe the Cubs are paying almost $30 million per year for Soriano and Ramirez to turn in a combined .098 over the past two postseasons.

What a joke. I have made this promise before, but I am never going to patronize Cubs baseball again. There is no sense in supporting a team that pays guys $15 million a year to drop routine groundballs and strike out every at bat in the playoffs.

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There, there

I know a lot of you Cubs fans are upset today, and I count myself among you. But with every disappointment, there are plenty of things to be thankful for. Here are eleven:

1) We should hear significantly less of Eddie Vedder's weird attempt at an Irish drinking song in the coming weeks and years. Man, that song drove me nuts.

2) Ditto for "Go Cubs Go."

3) Two of my favorite baseball players of all time, Greg Maddux and Manny Ramirez, will play on. And what makes me happy should make everyone happy.

4) You still have your loved ones, your home, and your health. That is, unless you're a friendless invalid who's been evicted. In that case, I don't know what to tell you.

5) You may feel pretty terrible this morning, but you know who else does?

And an unhappy Jim Belushi can only be a good thing.

6) You know who else probably feels terrible? These assclowns:

7) Bookstores and libraries will continue to be stocked with real books instead of biographies of Ryan Theriot and Jeff Garland's treatise on what it means for the Cubs to win the World Series.

8) If you're one of those fans who stops watching the playoffs when your team is eliminated, you'll have more time in the coming weeks to spend quality time with the kids and organize your life. As for me, I have no kids and will continue watching every possible second of playoff baseball, and my life will continue to spiral into an every-increasing state of disorder.

9) There is a natural balance to all things set in place by the Creator, never to be truly understood by human comprehension. It is both mysterious and awesome, and our lives are a never-ending journey to submit to our infinite smallness in this universe and attempt to grasp its many wonders. I don't think that gobbledygook has anything to do with baseball, but I figured I'd throw it out there.

10) Cubdom won't have to trade in the bandwagon for an aircraft carrier. At least not yet.

11) Mark Cuban is on the way, and he shall be our salvation.

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Economic Forecast for October 2008

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I would have chosen a different caption

MLB.com chose "Actor Jim Belushi leads Cubs fans in a song during the rally."

I would have chosen Bart Simpson's classic line of "Come on, snipers! Where are you?!?!"

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Alright, You Assholes

You don't like me and I don't like you. Let's get that out in the open. But I need you. It's hard to admit, impossible for you to hear even, but it's true.

Just give me one more game. That's all I ask. Win one more fucking game (and only one more - then kindly lie down over the weekend vs. the Brewers).

I know I've said some awful, hurtful things about 'you people' in the past but, I can assure you, I didn't mean all of them. Sure, when I called your fanbase a "bunch of knownothing Wrigleyville cockhounds," it was probably a bit jarring. But, baby, I'd take it all back if you'd just keep beating the Mets (and then completely fold for the last three games in Milwaukee).

I know this may confuse you. When I said that Carlos Zambrano was a foolishly ill-tempered latin that brings to light the problems inherent in an integrated MLB, it may have struck you as offensive. For that, I sincerely apologize.

Sure, I may have ruffled some feathers when I said that "Go Cubs Go" is a gay pride anthem in a class with "YMCA" and Clay Aiken's entire catalogue, but I assure you I had nothing but good intentions and any hurt feelings on your part were purely the result of a misunderstanding of what I was trying to say.

And when, last week, I pulled the corners of my eyes back and said "I Cub Outfierdel. Ret's pray too!", I considered it more of an homage to Kosuke Fukudome than an ethnically insensitive caricature. But, if you were at all confused by my actions, I apologize.

I come before you today as a repentant man because doing so may briefly benefit my own self-interests. A man willing to admit past mistakes and move forward to a new era of peace and understanding between our two fanbases (for today, remember, and just for today).

So please, you stupid bunch of sons of bitches - win one for me. And your stupid Dave Matthews-listening, Old Style-drinking-because-it's-ironic, gentrifying and fairweather fanbase.

Sincerely,

Matt on behalf of Brewers fans everywhere

P.S. When you get to Milwaukee, why not think about giving Derek Lee, Alfonso Soriano and Aramis Ramirez some time off (but not tonight)? Better to have them rested for the big playoff push, I always say. Also, feel free to bat Mike Fontenot in the cleanup spot. He's a gamer!

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Immature Post #357

Man, I'm sure a lot of Major League pitchers love their jobs, but it looks like the Cubs' Chad Gaudin apparently loves it a little more....perhaps an unnatural love... provided you take Lou Pinella's comments and take them out of their context and put them in a completely different paragraph like ESPN.com did.

"He said he gets a tingling down in his buttocks when he throws the ball," Piniella said.

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As half of YCS opens fire

According to SI's tease, it reads "Find out why so many people hate the Cubs." Now, after growing up in a family of White Sox fans, going to college in Milwaukee and law school in St. Louis, I was expecting to see some pretty familiar arguments as to why others think the Cubs are the scum of the earth. The article was probably going to stretch on and on for pages and pages. This is the only part of the articlethat approaches criticism.

Seriously, how could you not love the Chicago Cubs?
Well, as it turns out, there are a lot of ways. You could grow up on the Southside of Chicago, where Cubs fans are viewed as a whole tribe of spoiled Ferris Buellers. You could be a St. Louis Cardinals fan raised to believe the Cubs are only cute and cuddly to the people who see them from afar. You could be from the greater Milwaukee area, only two hours north of Chicago, where maybe you have had the whole lovable Cubs thing rammed down your throat all your life to the point of bursting.

In other words, the Cubs are hated by fans of their rivals.

There's one other reference to a Cardinal fan who thought Ryne Sandberg was the Devil. The rest of the article is how the Yankees and Red Sox might not be in the playoffs this year and how it's hot in the Midwest (surprise) in the summertime. Hard-hitting journalism over there at SI.

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I always have one in mine

Millions of Cubs fans around the country just had the joy of hearing this commentary on the Miami humidity....

Len Kasper: Fans... Come to the ballpark Fiday, August 22. The first 5,000 kids will receive a SpongeBob SquarePants plush toy from Universal Orlando.

Bob Brenly: Today's the kind of day when you wish you had a sponge in your pants.

Reason #4,398 why I love Bob Brenly. (Reasons #1 through 4,397: looks fantastic in a WGN polo.)

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YCS Baseball Roadshow: Stop 8, Wrigley Field, Chicago, IL

Despite having a blog roster that counts several Cubs fans among its members, the YCS Baseball Roadshow had never reported from 1060 W. Addison. Being given an extra ticket 2 minutes before we had to leave the house, I was naturally psyched for my first trip to Wrigley in more than 3 years. After battling Lake Shore Drive, parking in Lincoln Park and the chronic incompetence of the CTA, we arrived just in time to see Mark DeRosa tie the game with a 1-1 homer in the 2nd. Sadly, this would probably be the high-water mark of the day, as the Cubs proceeded to lose 12-3. Carlos Zambrano also homered which was badass, and from our crappy seats in Section 503, the ball heading into the bleachers was about the only thing we had a good view of (besides the buses lining up on Waveland.)

Wrigley has an almost bizarre mix of Disneyland-style charm and impending structural dread. While I love Wrigley, that place needs a renovation stat. If the stadium were in Latin America instead of Lakeview, it would only be one structural failure away from a stadium collapse spot on World's Most Amazing/Goriest videos.

Now, Wrigley has its obvious charms, so I won't go into the glories of the stadium in the city, the ivy, scoreboard, etc. However, one of the pleasant surprises of Wrigley is the beer. $6.25 gets you an Old Style (or a Budweiser if you really hate yourself). This is probably the lowest price for stadium beer that I've seen in a long time. Compare to Busch Stadium ripping me off for $8.25 for Bud Light last fall . While still getting totally ripped off, it has the same good feeling of crossing the state line and seeing that gas is ONLY $3.87 a gallon.

However, on a related note for beer, Wrigley is probably the only park in the majors where just about everyone in the park can see a giant billboard for a beer they cannot order. Sadly, these same fans, in addition to being denied high quality beer (instead being subjected to A-B fermented dishwater) are left with terrible puns as well.

The crowd was a usual mix of North side babes with no obvious rooting interests, hicks from St. Louis with a psychotic/borderline sexual love for the Cards, and people actually there to enjoy a baseball game.

By the middle of the game, the Cubs were getting absolutely slaughtered and the red contingent of the crowd was living it up...many having been to a big city for the first time in their lives. With that, all that was left was to enjoy the ambiance of Wrigley...until the 7th inning stretch, when the Take Me Out to the Ballgame guest conductor was Digger Phelps.

Fuck... Me...

Despite being in the same part of the ballpark as the organist, the two were completely in capable of keeping up with each other. Digger seemed juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust a step slow. I've never heard "For it's 1....2....3 strikes you're out..." three different times (First organist, then crowd, then Digger).

In conclusion, despite its many faults, Wrigley Field is still a great old park, but the new ownership should probably look into making it a slightly newer park sooner rather than later.

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The last untapped angle of the Cubs-Sox interleague series

It's a Len Kasper-Steve Stone joke-off!

I think you can guess who got my vote.

(Here's a hint:



)

And if you didn't already know, Ryan Dempster's delivery is impeccable. But here's the twist--I'm not talking about his pitching delivery!

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It's All Their Fault

My last post got me thinking of all the things blamed for a Cubs loss other than the players on the field. Here's what I could come up with.

1. Day baseball.
2. The crappy turn-of-the-century players' facilities at Wrigley Field.
3. Aliens.
4. Steve Bartman.
5. A black cat.
6. A goat.
7. Curses/hexes/divine damnation, etc.
8. The umpires.
9. The manager.
10. Fans who cheer and boo their approval or disapproval (as opposed to other teams' fans who just don't show up when the team is playing poorly.)

No doubt this is a running list and will have new reasons added as time goes on, or I am reminded of ones I forgot.

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Side-By-Side Comparison

The introduction paragraphs to the Sox-Angels game last night in today's Chicago Tribune, penned by Dave van Dyck.

"Carlos Quentin hit a pair of home runs Sunday night, including the game-winner to lead off the bottom of the ninth inning, as the White Sox avoided a sweep and
finished a short homestand by winning four of six games. Quentin's second shot gave the Sox a 3-2 victory over the Angels in a game that took only 2 hours 5 minutes and made them winners for the ninth time in 11 games."

Who, When, What, Where, and How all answered succinctly, and with enough context to give the reader some backstory. The Sox won a dramatic victory with a bottom of the ninth home run to end a short slide and get back to their winning ways. Compare to Phil Rogers' same opening paragraphs for the Cubs-Pirates game.

"Earth to Alfonso Soriano, come in please. Earth to Soriano...Earth to Soriano...report in please. About the only thing that didn't happen to the Cubs over the weekend at PNC Park was an alien abduction, and the persistent misadventures of Soriano left you wondering if the sun was the only thing in his eyes. Perhaps Soriano was distracted by a beam from a hovering spacecraft, which messed with his internal wiring, at the very least. Maybe he was switched with a clone, although he did look like his old self for one moment in Sunday's 6-5, 11 inning loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates."

Basic story information replaced with a dated "Earth to" joke, extraterrestrials added to the list of things blamed for a Cubs loss other than the players , and suspicion of human cloning of outfielders with mixed results.

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