There, there

I know a lot of you Cubs fans are upset today, and I count myself among you. But with every disappointment, there are plenty of things to be thankful for. Here are eleven:

1) We should hear significantly less of Eddie Vedder's weird attempt at an Irish drinking song in the coming weeks and years. Man, that song drove me nuts.

2) Ditto for "Go Cubs Go."

3) Two of my favorite baseball players of all time, Greg Maddux and Manny Ramirez, will play on. And what makes me happy should make everyone happy.

4) You still have your loved ones, your home, and your health. That is, unless you're a friendless invalid who's been evicted. In that case, I don't know what to tell you.

5) You may feel pretty terrible this morning, but you know who else does?

And an unhappy Jim Belushi can only be a good thing.

6) You know who else probably feels terrible? These assclowns:

7) Bookstores and libraries will continue to be stocked with real books instead of biographies of Ryan Theriot and Jeff Garland's treatise on what it means for the Cubs to win the World Series.

8) If you're one of those fans who stops watching the playoffs when your team is eliminated, you'll have more time in the coming weeks to spend quality time with the kids and organize your life. As for me, I have no kids and will continue watching every possible second of playoff baseball, and my life will continue to spiral into an every-increasing state of disorder.

9) There is a natural balance to all things set in place by the Creator, never to be truly understood by human comprehension. It is both mysterious and awesome, and our lives are a never-ending journey to submit to our infinite smallness in this universe and attempt to grasp its many wonders. I don't think that gobbledygook has anything to do with baseball, but I figured I'd throw it out there.

10) Cubdom won't have to trade in the bandwagon for an aircraft carrier. At least not yet.

11) Mark Cuban is on the way, and he shall be our salvation.

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Turn that frown upside-down!

Cheer up, campers! Don't cry or pout! The birds are singing; the sun is out... It's a beeea-utiful day!

Actually, it's grayer than a bastard here, and the birds are all dead or down in Ecuador. But that wouldn't rhyme, would it? And those are unhappy thoughts! We only care about happy thoughts!

So what your team lost last night? To the guy who came here by Googling "I feel depressed after superbowl lost"--first of all, that's terrible writing, but it's okay because we're all special--remember that it could always be worse. You may be sad that your Pats didn't win, but at least you don't have smallpox or live in Burma! At least I hope you don't; otherwise, that might be a problem! :)

Are you depressed that football season is over? I promise there are still a few things to live for, like warm weather and baseball and dafodils and the 4th of July! Sure, you'll have to wait through several torturous weeks of crippling malaise before any of those things comes around, but in the words of Dido, "It's not so bad... It's not so baaaad." If you start feeling down from football withdrawl during the offseason, here are a few tips:

1) Open up your wallet you cheap bastard, and get the NFL Network. They re-run full games during the offseason!

2) Go buy a puppy and a football-shaped chew toy, carpet a room in your house to look like a football field, and watch the puppy run around it for no less than three hours at a time.

3) Reach for a cocktail, cigarette, or comfort food. They all give you a quick mood boost with absolutely no potential negative long-term consequences!

4) Buy yourself something nice but practical, like a faberge egg, and leave your wife for a younger, hotter one.

5) Get revenge on someone.

6) Balloons!

Most importantly, keep a smile on your face! Research shows that smiling releases neurochemicals in our brains that cause the muscles in the corners of our mouth to go upward, thereby causing us to feel happier! And above all, remember--sadness is a sign of weakness!

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THE WORST DAY OF THE YEAR

A day without professional sports. A summer day without baseball. Even in the 100-degree heat of the wildfire-ravaged western U.S., today is the coldest day of the year.

But if we try, we'll make it through. Think back upon memories of better days--Sunday, for instance--when baseball was being played. Pull out your 2005 Chicago White Sox year-in-review DVD. Numb yourself with illegally-obtained perscription medications until it's Thursday night. Do whatever helps you through the day.

And above all, remember it's just one day a year. But above that, remember that it's just 364 more days until we have to live through this again. This existence is a cruel one, and don't you ever forget that.

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