You don't like me and I don't like you. Let's get that out in the open. But I need you. It's hard to admit, impossible for you to hear even, but it's true.
Just give me one more game. That's all I ask. Win one more fucking game (and only one more - then kindly lie down over the weekend vs. the Brewers).
I know I've said some awful, hurtful things about 'you people' in the past but, I can assure you, I didn't mean all of them. Sure, when I called your fanbase a "bunch of knownothing Wrigleyville cockhounds," it was probably a bit jarring. But, baby, I'd take it all back if you'd just keep beating the Mets (and then completely fold for the last three games in Milwaukee).
I know this may confuse you. When I said that Carlos Zambrano was a foolishly ill-tempered latin that brings to light the problems inherent in an integrated MLB, it may have struck you as offensive. For that, I sincerely apologize.
Sure, I may have ruffled some feathers when I said that "Go Cubs Go" is a gay pride anthem in a class with "YMCA" and Clay Aiken's entire catalogue, but I assure you I had nothing but good intentions and any hurt feelings on your part were purely the result of a misunderstanding of what I was trying to say.
And when, last week, I pulled the corners of my eyes back and said "I Cub Outfierdel. Ret's pray too!", I considered it more of an homage to Kosuke Fukudome than an ethnically insensitive caricature. But, if you were at all confused by my actions, I apologize.
I come before you today as a repentant man because doing so may briefly benefit my own self-interests. A man willing to admit past mistakes and move forward to a new era of peace and understanding between our two fanbases (for today, remember, and just for today).
So please, you stupid bunch of sons of bitches - win one for me. And your stupid Dave Matthews-listening, Old Style-drinking-because-it's-ironic, gentrifying and fairweather fanbase.
Matt on behalf of Brewers fans everywhere
P.S. When you get to Milwaukee, why not think about giving Derek Lee, Alfonso Soriano and Aramis Ramirez some time off (but not tonight)? Better to have them rested for the big playoff push, I always say. Also, feel free to bat Mike Fontenot in the cleanup spot. He's a gamer!