Zambrano turns up heat in Final Vote election

>> Tuesday

WASHINGTON -- Carlos Zambrano wants to go to the All-Star Game, and he wants it bad.

Zambrano, who currently trails Padres starter Chris Young by a slim margin in the Monster.com All-Star Game Final Vote election, has made an aggressive push for the coveted 32nd roster spot on the National League all-star team in recent days.

Zambrano's "Z is for Me" campaign has reportedly raised $11 million in the last four days through ferverous grass roots fund raising.

"We've really tapped into the power of the internet," said Zambrano's campaign manager, Juan Carlos Raul Baez-Rodrigo. "Especially in attracting the young voters--Carlos is huge on MySpace and other social networking websites."

The Cubs pitcher has also spent his last two days in Washington D.C., where the Cubs are in town to play a four-game series against the Nationals, meeting with lobbyists on Capitol Hill.

"This guy Young thinks he's gonna take Big Z's all-star spot?" Zambrano said in a press conference before Tuesday night's start. "Big Z doesn't think so."

Zambrano justified his candidacy by noting his recent hot stretch and high strikeout total before going on the offensive against Young.

"This guy Young has nothing," Zambrano told reporters. "Nothing."

The fiery superstar discredited his opponent with a series of attacks on Young's character, including accusations of poor hygiene, small genetalia, homosexuality, a penchant for female undergarments, and an extramarital affair with a young boy. "Read my lips," said Zambrano as he pointed toward the reporters surrounding him in the dugout, "Chris Young is a fag."

Zambrano backed up his bold language on the mound, pitching 6 2/3 innings of one-run baseball to improve his record to 10-6, including a 5-1 stretch in his last six decisions. However, despite Zambrano's impressive 1.42 ERA over that same stretch, he still trails Young for the season in that category, 2.16 to 3.87.

"The smart fans--they don't care about that," Zambrano said of Young's advantage in ERA. "They know those first two months weren't me. That wasn't Big Z. That was Beelzebub. Big Z doesn't give up six runs."

Despite Zambrano's remarkable confidence, Young insists he is unfazed.

"Carlos is a fat windbag, who's probably not even legal here," Young said prior to the Padres game against the Marlins Tuesday night in San Diego. "I'm Ivy League-educated. I have friends in important places. I read a lot. I'm clearly much smarter than Carlos," added Young as he held up a stack of books.

"He's puerile at best to conjecture that he will triumph."

A spokesperson from foreveryoung.org, the Young campaign's official website, acknowledges that donation requests have increased in the last several hours. The campaign is also preparing an official statement and a television ad to refute Zambrano's accusations of pedophilia.

When addressed with the concern that voters may have difficulty distinguishing the two candidates, Young responded, "I have a 2.16 ERA. His is 4-something. I'm a 6'10" white guy. He's Venezuelan. I play for the Padres. He plays for the Cubs. What could possibly be the probelm?"

Addressed with the same concern, Zambrano responded, "Platform? Centrist? Straw polls? What the fuck are you talking about? We play baseball."

3 comments:

Mike 11:04 AM  

Brilliant!

Zuch 1:20 PM  

This Big Z would also be a big fan.

Stan Gable 10:21 AM  

Am I gullible, for a minute I was actually believing all of this. I love Big Z.

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