A made-up complaint letter by a made-up guy named Bob

>> Friday

Dear Person Who Owns the Chicago Cubs:

My name is Bob, and I have a complaint. Just to let you know, I've been a big Cubs fan for years, but I'm just stewing mad about my experience at Wrigley Field last night.

First of all, your street ticket vendor who sold me my ticket charged $300! Now that's outrageous. If I'd known it would be that expensive, I'd have never come! But by that time, I'd already paid for parking, so I figured, "What's another few hundred dollars?"

But here was the kicker: When I asked the usher to tell me where my seat was--oh, by the way, I have really poor vision, a premise on which this entire letter rests--she said it was in the upper-deck! $300 for an upper-deck seat? I was outraged but not surprised, what with all these high ticket prices they've ruined baseball with.

Then I heard another usher say that the police were there. Now this just scared the daylights out of me. From that piont on, my night was ruined, as I spent the whole time wondering what was amiss. And just between us, I have some priors.

So there I sat for at least an hour without any sign of the game starting--oh by the way, I also have terrible hearing, so my frequent pleas of, "What's going on here?" went unanswered by the folks around me--and all that time waiting, none of the vendors were working. I started getting hungry!

Finally, at about 9 o'clock, some music group starts playing. Apparently, what I'd thought was the tarp and grounds crew based on my really poor vision was actually a stage and musicians. By the way, you might be wondering why I would attend baseball games--not to mention how I'm able to drive to the park--with such terrible vision. Well, I'll tell you this; hearing the crack of the bat is all I need to draw me to the ballyard. Of course, I can't do that so much anymore either. So no, going to baseball games is not nearly as pleasurable as it once was for me.

Anyway, I figured this was just one of those "Disco Night" promotions that they've ruined baseball with, so I thought the group would play a song or two and be done. But it kept on going! By about 10:30, I realized that it would be at least 11:15 by the time the band stopped and the stage was cleared away for baseball. And I was already tired! And I was still hungry.

Well by 11 o'clock, I'd gotten really tired of this music group. They were playing a song where they kept screaming "Roxanne! Roxanne! Roxanne!"--by the way, I make out "r" and "x" sounds much better than others--over and over and over again. I guess that's what passes for music these days. And to think how hard I've worked my whole life when all I had to do was scream "Roxanne!" all day, and people would have paid me for it.

Anyway, the group finally stopped playing, but by then it was almost 1 o'clock! I couldn't believe they would start a baseball game so late, but who knows with all these national TV schedules they've ruined the baseball with.

Well then everyone starts cheering, and I think the game's about to start. The people next to me were chanting "Sting! Sting!" so I figured that they were fans of the road team. I'd never heard of that team before, but I figured they must be one of those new teams they keep ruining baseball with. Plus, they kept pointing and laughing at my Cubs hat and my homemade Cubs scorecard, which would have been exceedingly difficult to fill out with my severe vision deficiencies. I suppose that part of the story doesn't relate to my complaint, except to remind you that they're ruining baseball.

Well after about five minutes, the band starts playing again! At that point, I'd had it with the lack of vendors and these stadium gimmicks that they're ruining baseball with. So I got up and left.

Needless to say, it was the worst baseball experience I've ever had. Now I've been a Cubs fan for many years, and I've usually been quite satisfied. I don't want to raise a public ruckus, but I expect to receive a refund of my $300 purchase and a personal apology from you, the owner. I'm sure you're a kind, individual human being dedicated to the quality of your baseball team, so I don't feel that's too much to ask of you.




Anonymous,  9:42 AM  

I don't get it.

Mike 10:46 AM  

I never thought we'd see the day where YCS's unique brand of humor would actually fly over the head of someone.

Vinnie 11:15 AM  

It's ok. I don't get it either. There was an idea in there somewhere, but I lost grasp of it about a sentence in.

Nathan 2:50 PM  

I've been there plenty of times Vinnie.

Good idea somewhere in brain --> just start writing and hope that idea emerges --> realizing that you're going nowhere and only creating a retarded half cousin of the original great idea --> fuck it, post it (or turn it in to your professor) anyways

Zuch 5:05 PM  

Well, watching the Cubs and The Police are both fads that should have ended twenty years ago (Hides Police Greatest Hits CD and strikes being excited for their reunion performance at the Grammy's from my memory).

Zuch 5:06 PM  

Also, be very glad that I've yet to write the Spencer Hawes-Joakim Noah mock political debate.

a ycs fan,  11:13 PM  

I thought that this was entertaining. Maybe belonged in Idiot Wind.

paul,  4:59 PM  

vin, this was plain awful. of course, it was outrageously hilarious too.

Vinnie 7:11 AM  

No need to disguise yourself, "A. YCS Fan." I know that's you mom.

Anonymous,  9:16 PM  


Thank you for your wonderful blog. I found your site as I was looking for complaint letter samples. I have also found an excellent source of consumer complaints and actual complaint letter to companies.

Mike P.

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