Much like college teams from time to time do in bowl games, the Arizona Cardinals are considering a one-off special helmet for their first-ever trip to the Super Bowl. Our sources deep within the Cardinals' front office have revealed these designs as the finalists that the Cardinals' brass are considering for the game in two weeks.
Rumored to be the front-runner, the "Flying Pig" design is said to have tested very well in focus groups. The design is said to be a living history of the Cardinals organization. The winged pig design represents not only the Cardinals' current state of affairs, but also the team's entire storyline up to this point, starting from their humble founding on the South Side of Chicago, not far from the Union Stockyards. While the stockyards closed in 1971, the Cardinals would continue being regularly slaughtered for the next 36 years, and so the flying pig not only represents the good times, but also every other moment in the Cardinals' franchise history except today.
This design tested very well with both the players and the fans, but its one-fingered salute towards....well...pretty much everyone to come in contact with or make reference to the franchise in the last 40 years or so faces stringent FCC hurdles and must clear that bureaucracy before it can be used on national television in the Super Bowl.
Rumor has it that the team's ownership is a tad superstitious, and is urging a return to the "lucky" helmet design that the Cardinals wore the last time they won an NFL Championship in 1947. The Players' Union and sane doctors everywhere on the other hand overwhelmingly disapprove of this design.
Cardinals I.T. intern Kyle Brecherman, characteristically left with nothing social to do this past Friday spent the entire night creating a prototype helmet featuring the Bizarro Superman design. "It's really fitting of the Bizarro World . Where else would the Arizona Cardinals be in the Super Bowl? My prototype is not only visually striking, but also inspires hope." The 22-year old Brecherman said as he paused for a moment to remove his retainer, "I mean, if the Cardinals are in the Super Bowl, then maybe we really ARE in Bizarro World. If that's the case, my scoliosis, asthma, bad teeth, and complete lack of social skills are only in Bizarro World too! Which means that I'm actually COOL in the real world!" When informed that if his hypothesis was true, then in the real world, Brecherman's mother would no longer think he was cool, and that Star Trek would never have been created, Brecherman immediately broke into tears and became inconsolable.
The dark horse design in this whole process is the cruel and spiteful passing of the "Being the laughingstock of the league" torch from the Arizona Cardinals to the Detroit Lions. The league disapproves of this design, largely due to what is viewed as the Cardinals sadistically disgracing the Super Bowl with the use of anything related to the Detroit Lions. When pressed for further comment, league officials were forced to admit that the Cardinals had a point.