Ahhh! Evacuate the Empire State Building!

How could we have been so blind all this time? From the moment he came into the NBA, I just knew that face looked so... so familiar. But I could never place it. But the magazine cover... Oh, the magazine cover. It's opened all our eyes. The predatory glare, the brandished teeth, the thin, lighter-skinned woman in his overwhelming grasp...

"James strikes what some see as a gorilla-like pose, baring his teeth, with one hand dribbling a ball and the other around Bundchen’s tiny waist.”

Magazine analyst, Samir Husni believes the photo was deliberately provocative, adding that it “screams King Kong.”

"Screams" King Kong? No, you fool! He is King Kong. Look at the resemblence! Isn't it obvious? We've gone and made this "LeBron" an icon, put his face on TV, and paid him millions of dollars. He's only biding his time before he crushes us all!

“Everything my name is on is going to be criticized in a good way or bad way,” James told the paper, [using sign language taught to him by Jane Goodall]. “Who cares what anyone says?”

Of course that's what he'd say! Don't listen to him. This follows the premise of King Kong to a tee: King Kong is discovered in a remote part of the world--in this case, Cleveland--he joins the NBA, gets summoned for a photo shoot with a famous model, and then goes on a rampage of New York City. All that's left is the rampage! Isn't anyone else as concerned about this as I am?

“This cover is very hurtful to the white basketball players. It screams that only blacks can play basketball, be successful and that white women would choose a black man over successful white man. I am boycotting Vogue from now on.”

What are you talking about? You're worried about the feelings of white basketball players? How can you be concerned with that at a time like this? It's King freaking Kong!... on the loose... with millions of dollars!

Come on, kids... To the doomsday shelter!