The NFL playoffs so far ... in the style of my ESPN heroes

Wow, what a great weekend for the NFL. I am going to summon my inner Gene Wojo and Bill Simmons and give you my in-depth, pop-culture-laden analysis of the playoffs.

Seahawks at Packers

Well, the game didn't start so well for the Pack. Ryan Grant looked clumsier and more error-prone than Britney Spears at the VMA's, and the Hawks were able to put up 14 points more quickly than it takes Kevin Federline to read a 10-word sentence.

But then the snow starting falling faster than Lindsey Lohan's career since Mean Girls, and the Pack started piling up touchdowns faster than it took Tom Brady to impregnate Gisele after they started dating. Behind the prowess of Grant and Greg Jennings, who is so young he was born after the premiere of "Webster" on ABC, the Packers were able to take control of the game. Of course, #4 was having a blast and tossing around more snow than Mary-Kate Olson on a weekend binge.

And don't discount the Pack's defense in this affair. Thanks to big hits by Atari Bigby, Seattle's receivers were committing Owen Wilson-style suicide by running cross routes in the middle of the field. Ouch.

Jaguars at Patriots

So much for the trendy underdog pick of the week. Tom Brady was as perfect as Jesus Christ on Saturday, and you gotta wonder if he can turn the Gatorade into wine, or water into Gatorade. Thanks to beautiful pass selection, receivers with stickier hands than Winona Ryder's in Saks Fifth Avenue, and some sleezy trickery in the style of the magician-turned-rapist David Copperfield, Brady and the Pats were able to squelch any discussion on Jax being the better team.

Of course, Jacksonville was a little reluctant to give Brady much credit for his near-perfection. He was dumping off passes that even a one-armed employee at a Hershey's chocolate factory could have made.

And with all of the pre-game talk of the Jags' ground game overpowering that of the Pats, the 1-2 punch of Taylor and Mo-Jo-Drew crashed liked the plane in Lost and were about as entertaining to watch as Jon Stewart without writers. Instead, the Pats ground game dominated as much as UPS... er, as much as the UPS whiteboard guy kicks ass (much better).

Chargers at Colts

Well, King Peyton got to enjoy his reign at the top about as long as Kanye West's mother got enjoy her new synthetic breasts. But can you blame Peyton for this one? He was pretty damn good. The blame for all 3 turnovers fall squarely on the receivers, and Dallas Clark should have made that final catch on 4th down. I hope Peyton Manning verbally assaulted them like Alec Baldwin hurling "thoughtless pig" insults at his 11-year-old daughter.

Do we blame Dungy for the playcalling? The Colts were more predictable than an episode of Mind of Mencia. Pass. Pass. Pass.

Or do we give credit to Turner? His playcalling was smarter than a Tina Fey script. I guess San Diego's play was also gutsy with the back-ups showing the gall of Steve Irwin playing with stingrays. They were fearless.

Finally, kudos to Billy Volek, who filled in as ably as LBJ after the Kennedy assassination. But I gotta wonder if Rivers should have been running his mouth as much as a drunk Mel Gibson.

Giants at Cowboys

Too bad Romo and Witten spent more time on the Mexican beach this past week than... Tony Romo (dang... must avoid temptation for David Hasselhoff reference a la Happy Gilmore). I doubt we can blame Mexicanbeachgate for the loss though. If you trust Terrell Owens, who displayed more waterworks than a Monopoly board space, Romo cannot be blamed for the loss. Do you blame Big D's D though? Aside from the TD drive at the end of the first half that was quicker than Nickelodeon's tearing up Jamie Lynn Spears' contract, the D performed well enough, especially in the end of the game.

I think the offense let them down. Was the Boys' offense as overrated as Will Ferrell? Or did they just screech to a halt as quickly as Lindsay Lohan's Cadillac running into a tree (score for another Linsday Lohan reference)?

Giants at Packers Preview
Here's a match-up: a team with a market as big as Joe Gibbs' prostrate and a team with a market as small as Sarah Silverman's moral integrity. I'm looking forward to this game. Eli will have his chance to show if he's as deserving as Cate Blanchett in I'm Not There or as undeserving as Atonement in the Golden Globes. Brett will get to take his team to the Super Bowl since Newt Gingrich was Speaker of the House.

With the weather bound to be as cold as Bill Belichek's withered heart, you gotta wonder how many points these teams can score.

Chargers at Patriots preview
Are the Chargers going to be healthy enough? Or will they look as sickly as Dennis Quaid's newborn twins after a heparin overdose?

No matter how healthy the Bolts get, the Pats run away with this one just like Soulja Boy on the Billboard charts (horrible). With a wideout as smooth as Yung Joc, a QB as handsome as a Stetson poster boy (wait, he is a Stetson poster boy), and a coach as reserved as a Beverly Hills prison cell for Paris Hilton, you can't doubt this team.