100,000 Visitors: What brought you here

Hi, everyone! Glad you could join us today!

Not sure why I opened with that... just felt like it I guess. Anyway, if you've ever scrolled down to the bottom of this blog, you probably noticed that we, like many blogs, use Sitemeter to track our visitors. Well yesterday, we hit a big milestone--100,000 total visitors since Matt hooked up our blog, which was sometime back in... I have no idea. The point is, 100,000 visitors is not much of an accomplishment, given that many blogs of substance and merit see six-figure hits in a day.

What renders this occasion even more insignificant is the quality of our hits. Of the 100,000 visitors, I would estimate that 5,000 were from our loyal readers who adore us and come here to marvel at our utter hilarity and unparalleled insight; 15,000 were directed here by links from successful sites (which were usually gotten of our own groveling and self-promotion); another 10,000 were from the eight of us authors coming here to post, comment, and insult one another; and 500 were my mom.

All estimates aside, the overwhelming majority of visitors, without a doubt, have been those of you--and I say "you" though you will never read these words--who have come here for some nugget of information or stolen copyrighted image by way of Google searches that have little or nothing to do with our silly little blog.

Of course, this last group of visitors is my favorite of all, for, if you haven't noticed by now, I have little regard for my short, precious existence on this earth. And one of my favorite boredom killing time-wasters is to click on the "By Referrals" link on the Sitemeter page and see what ridiculous shit people searched for to find our site. Luckily for you, I've been keeping a list of my favorites, and I will now take a moment to share them. I've arranged them by category to reflect the most common themes of these searches and other, less common themes.

People looking for actual chairs and/or yellow objects

This one's pretty self-explanatory. What I can't explain, however, is why people would think that a sports blog--regardless of how chair-related its name is--would actually have what they were looking for. Some examples:

"boston bruin lazy boy chair canada"

"big boy drafting chair"

"bigman coleman chair"

This next person evidently thinks you actually need to command your search engine to search, or else it will just shrug at you:

"search chairs from all around the world"

And I think every stay-at-home mom in America wants a...

"yellow chair like oprah's"

But not as much as they'd like a...

"fuck chair for women"

...or the closely related product,

"chair for fucking"

And lastly, my favorite in this category:

"pretty yellow chair"

Are those stadium chairs in our banner what you had in mind?

"Is [famous athlete] [ethnicity]?"

We've documented the fascination with Jewish athletes quite extensively on this blog (and since then I've also seen Jay Cutler and Jeanne Zelasko pop up on Heeb Watch), but don't think ethnic pride is lost on the Gentiles, as illustrated by...

"jason varitek ethnic heritage polish"

(Poor bastard.)

"is joey dorsey hatian"

"kyle orton chicago bears quarterback asian ethnic"

Orton Asian?

Sorry... We don't know the answer to that. And we wouldn't tell you even if we did.

Apparently, some people get Google confused with Ask.com. Observe:

"does jared weaver chew tobacco"

"What is the name of the traveling trophy awarded to the winner of the Iowa/Iowa State rivarly game?"

"Was Disneyland really the world's first theme park or did this small park in Indiana called Santa Claus Land really earn the title?"

"whens the first day of spring semester for CCSU?"

Maybe you should go to their website, dumbass. I think I know why you're at Central Connecticut State in the first place.

"how many chairs are on the team bench for boston college basketball"

...and you care because...???

"does ben gay make your pussy pink"

I don't know... Ladies? Does it? (Please, no one answer that.)

Lastly in this category, we were paid a visit by (presumably) Phil Nevin's wife, who vastly overrates the fact-finding powers of the internet:

"does phil nevin fuck other woman"

Insults

I imagine the searchers in this category watching a game or reading a story, getting angry at a person that displeases them, and yelling, "Ooh, I hate that guy so much!" as they type their insult into Google, hoping to find supporting evidence, or at least compatriots, in their hatred of that individual. For example:

"mike celizic is a tool"

"phillip rivers is a cunt"

"mike winters is an asshole"

"Mariusz Pudzianowski cocky jerk"

Oh, don't get me started on Marzsizusz Pudznsznewski and his bad attitude.

"nfl europe commissioner is a cunt"

I think that may have been the single greatest showing of passion for the NFL Europe in its history. This guy, though, has him beat as far as passion goes:

"antione walker is a fat fucking slob"

That's harsh... as opposed to this person, who wanted to research his insult before making it affirmative:

"is jeanne zelasko a bitch"

And lastly...

"Gene Wojciechowski sucks"

Couldn't agree more.

Compliments

Actually, I have just one of these. Maybe it's the all-caps spelling of his name or the choice of adjective, but this one cracks me up:

"ERIC COLEMAN of uni is excellent"

I just called Eric Coleman to tell him. He says thanks.

...And general observations

"AL HORFORD HAS SUCH A BABYFACE"

I know! It's so adorable!

"special treatment of athletes can get ridiculous"

Oh, totally, dude. You could not be more right. I totally agree, man. Spot on, bro, spot on.

Sorry, you've got the wrong guy

Ok, so this "category" is just one search. But I got a good laugh out of...

"zuch climatologist"

Our Zuch is not, in fact, a climatologist, but he'd gladly pretend to be if you're offering payment.

Impure thoughts about pro athletes

Ok, so maybe these are more innocent than they suggest. But it's hard not to get the wrong impression when someone is searching for...

"aikman below the waist"

"robinson cano blowjobs"

If Robinson Cano is selling blowjobs in the offseason, it's not here. Maybe you should check out [street in New York notorious for heavy prostitute traffic--help me out, Danny]. Now this next one is a bit cryptic, but I'm pretty sure what the person was searching for is not very wholesome:

"slap and bent and alex smith and 49ers and cock"

Sleazy athlete gossip

We don't do that Deadspin tabloid bullshit on this site, but we can't help that people who are into that stuff stumble across our high-brow enterprise. Topics like,

"corey brewer baby mama"

...are none of our business. Neither is:

"brady anderson gay"

For as much as we talk about Kyle Orton, it's no surprise we got some hits for this popular search (17,000 web pages):

"kyle orton jack daniels"

What did surprise me was that we also got a...

"kyle orton sober"

1,760 web pages. Proud to be one of them.

My 7th grade term paper / persuasive essay is due tomorrow, and I need something to plagiarize!

When dumb teenagers and procrastination mix, you get searches like,

"successful leaders in sports"

...or,

"what is the hardest sport to play"

That's your persuasive essay topic? You're only about the 80,000th junior high kid who's come up with that one. And it's a horrible question that always leads to a stupid answer. Do your own work, hack.

The reason the internet exists

Porn searches. No, not even we are immune to the perverse curiosities of depraved heathens. Having said that, why would you come to a sports blog if you're looking for...

"girl fucking with a chair"

...or,

"excessive penis true stories"

Is there such a thing? If there is, I'm guessing it's sort of like Inside the Actors Studio but more penis-related. Or maybe it's like Unsolved Mysteries. Whatever the case, you know our public school system is failing the nation's prepubescents when their labidos develop faster than their basic English skills, as you can tell by this search:

"hot chair leaders boobs"

Or the slightly more ambitious:

"hot chair leaders making out"

Kids--If you're reading, please get of the internet and read a book or go birdwatching or something. Don't end up like us.

Porn? Or science? You make the call.

"genetalia of giantism"

To borrow a phrase from my blogging idols, "Fuck the heck?"

I truly cannot tell what these people were searching for, nor can I guess what they hoped to find by coming to our blog. Can anyone make sense out of...

"sports world total 90 kids yellow bots"

...??? 'Cause I sure can't.

"dwyane wade pride prejudice austen"

My best guess: Someone writing a doctoral thesis on the parallels between Elizabeth and Darcy's relationship and that between Dwyane Wade and Pat Riley. Word to that guy: Come up with a better subject.

"see a texas letter for the state lottery honorable brian quinn chair "

No clue.

"chicago bear antisemitism defensive back"

Ok, that one kind of makes sense, in that the Chicago Bears and antisemitism are recurring topics on this blog. But I don't believe we've ever paired them.

"ventriloquist dolls for sale in winnipeg"

Hey, uddy... Hae you e-er heard uh a site called Craigslist? (Get it? I wrote that how it would sound if I were bad ventriloquist. Yeah, I know... way over your head. I've come to expect it.)

"joe medwick cardinals st. louis stickball"

Allow me: In 1937, Joe Medwick led the league with 31 home runs, the longest of which cleared the awning of Leon's Shoe Repair and hit "Crazy" Charley's watermelon cart at the corner of 5th Avenue on a fly. As he crossed home plate, he tossed his newsie hat skyward, snapped his suspenders and proclaimed, "That was a humdinger!"

Ok, I've let this post go on long enough.

Good night, folks! Thanks for joining us! And keep on visiting!