If fans rush the field, the terrorists win

A Cubs fan who ran on the field was found guilty of felony trespass.

The charge was upgraded from a misdemeanor and I wholeheartedly agree. However, it's not enough. It's high time that we developed ways to keep fans from running on the field. The safety of the players is tantamount. I mean, otherwise, it would be a madhouse on the field. Players would be dropping like flies.


So in a day and age where sacrificing freedom for security has always worked out swimmingly, we present new security solutions.

1.) Make Green Monster-style walls encircle the entire field. It might not be good business for the sightlines in all but the nosebleed seats, but it will enable team owners to further raise prices on the crappiest of seats. For the seats that come up to the Monster walls, nothing deters fans running on the field like a 4-story drop to a premature end. Let's face it, if you're drunk enough to run on the field, you're probably headed for the hospital one way or another that night (Picking a fight with someone bigger than you, alcohol poisoning, drunk driving accident). This would take out the possibility of other people getting hurt as a result of you being a dumbass.

2.) Build a moat. Works for Mexican soccer. But since this is 'Merica, we gotta one up it. Fill it with crocodiles.

3.) Rename every team the Tampa Bay Rays. Then no one will come to see them and you won't have to worry about fans running on the field.

4.) At this point I'd consider the possibility of an electrical fence circling the field, but then two things came to me. First of all, an electrical fence couldn't hold the raptors or the T-Rex in Jurassic Park. Second, that it would probably be much more effective to just have a T-Rex or raptors circling the field. Would make live balls in foul territory more interesting.

5.) Randomly place terminators in the stands, among the fans, just to keep them in line. Sure, we don't have terminators yet, but with the implaccable growth of facebook, it's only a matter of time before it becomes an intelligent Skynet network capable of destroying all life on earth.

6.) While we're on the subject of terminators, let's build a time machine and a terminator. Then we can send him back in time to kill Abner Doubleday's mother. Then he'll never invent baseball and we won't have to worry about lone idiots charging professionally trained athletes. I can't see a more efficient use of resources. Of course...if we do that....then we won't have baseball, and no incentive to build terminators to send back in time in the first place...

7.) Conceal-and-carry. Drunken fans won't be so quick to rush the field if they know the players are packing heat.

So I hope you're listening, Major League Baseball. Follow my suggestions and we can have stadiums that are safe for everyone.