Ahhh, Super Bowl Sunday. Perhaps one of the best days of the year not yet recognized with a federal holiday. An annual tradition marking both the culmination of another glorious NFL season and the beginning of the worst few sports weeks of the year. People from all over gather to put aside their petty rivalries and enjoy one another's company whilst pounding MGD and tearing through an endless stream of barbecue potato chips.
Everyone's got a big party to attend (unless you're a wussy douche that backed out because of "work"...), but for some, Super Bowl Sunday can cause anxiety when in the midst of your more gridiron-literate friends. Not to worry, broads, fairies and Mike Sever (redundant?), because as YCS's most knowledgeable and therefore best looking football mind, I'm here to get you prepped with all the who's, why's and what's you'll need to fake your way through enjoying the big game. Not only will you wow them with your impressive catalogue of football trivia, you might even earn yourself forgiveness for that unholy mess you'll undoubtedly leave in the host's bathroom at halftime after having eaten 45 hot wings and a british tonne of taco dip.
Ok, we'll make this plenty easy and start with the basics:
The New England Patriots (AFC Champions) are playing against the New York Giants (NFC Champions even though the fucking Packers should have been there because Lawrence Tynes is a fucking asshole that all of a sudden decides to pull a 50-yarder out of his fucking ass just as the game happens to have gone to overtime and he spent the rest of the game looking like he couldn't find water if he were the god of the sea Poseidon himself, also called Neptune).
So yeah, uh, Patriots are in blue, Giants in white.
Where are the playing?
The game takes place in Phoenix, Arizona, home to the Arizona Cardinals. This year, the NFL decided that it'd had enough of fun host cities like New Orleans and Miami and decided that it would be in everyone's best interests if they played the game in the fucking desert for some reason. The local populace of cactii and illegal Mexican day laborers are reportedly thrilled with the boost to the tourism economy.
Who are the one guys for these teams that get to touch the other fat guy's butt every play and throw the balls? You know, the ones that are white and not the kickers?
For the Patriots, it's Tom Brady, a three-time Super Bowl champion and 2007 NFL MVP that set a league record with 50 touchdown passes this year, roughly 10% which he didn't just lob up in the air for Randy Moss.
On the other side, you have 2008 NFL Make-a-Wish Foundation honoree Eli Manning, a legally retarded yet able-bodied simpleton from Louisiana. He is the son of Olivia Manning and the remnants of a once-virile gene pool from Archie Manning's shriveled ballbag. You might remember his brother Peyton, who was the Super Bowl MVP last year. He won the award for being the quarterback who didn't completely shit the bed and single-handedly hand the game to the other team.
Any other players I should know about?
Sure, tons. First, for the Patriots, you should at least be familar with Randy Moss, currently the best wide receiver in the game when not slingin' sweet juices and slappin' a bitch around. Also, if you're white, you'll love Wes Welker, the plucky slot receiver whose play old white sportwriters love and drastically overrate because he, like them, is athletically untalented. Defensively, you should also notice linebacker Junior Seau, if not for his play then for his hilarious jheri-curl fade, which he has had since birth.
For the Giants, aside from Manning you should be aware of running backs Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw. To keep them straight, remember that Jacobs is the big one whose foot is on Rodney Harrison's throat. Plaxico Burress plays wide receiver and is the sole reason Eli Manning completes more than 40% of his passes. Defensively, the Giants feature an excellent defensive line, led by single season sack record holder Michael Strahan and sheisse enthusiast Osi Umenyiora.
Who should I be rooting for?
If you're a front running ass hat, you'll be rooting for the Patriots. Just go to a bar and look for the group of dudes wearing brand new jerseys and team apparel and join in the fun. The best part is that by deciding you're a Patriots fan because they're in the Super Bowl means you've been a fan just as long as they have!
If you're a fan of the underdog, root for the Giants. But please, be advised that in this sense I don't mean underdog in the "David vs. Goliath" sense, I mean it in the "David vs. God himself" sense.
What are some easy observations/rhetorical questions I can use during the game to sound cool?
"That Welker sure is tough! Even if they lose Moss next year, they'll still be ok as long as they keep him around."
"Man, Bill Belicheck is an asshole."
"Joe Buck is a fucking douchebag and I wish Troy Aikman would stab him in the throat with a pen."
"Wow, Eli really under/overthrew that one."
"Did Brandon Jacobs just kill that guy?"
"Are the Giants going to run out from between Strahan's teeth before the introductions?"
"Is Rodney Harrison carrying a shiv?"
"Man, Tom Coughlin sure looks befuddled."
"Does Eli go to a special school?"
"Why do they keep showing Archie and Peyton laughing maniacally every time Eli throws a pick or gets blindsided?"
"Who's that guy with the Patriots hat and the video camera in the Giants huddle?"
"Wow, I bet Umenyiora leaves a huge log when he takes a dump on your chest...I mean, look at the size of that guy!"
That should pretty well cover it for the game. When in doubt, if you can't think of anything to say, just stuff your face with nachos and avoid talking to anyone, for any reason. And just remember: under no circumstances should you ever (and I mean EVER) audibly agree with the witty insights and pop culture references from Joe Buck.
Enjoy the game!