More Fire Front Office Brilliance

Tonight Chicago Fire play a friendly match at Toyota Park against Mexico's Club America. Naturally the Chicago local media are freaking out because of the latest thing to kill us that hasn't.



The Fire are passing out hand sanitizers to fans entering the game tonight, which easily qualifies as the worst promotional item ever.

But in more idiot-headed moves, the Fire have sold 100 tickets in Section 8; the Fire's supporters' section to Club America's Barra supporters from Mexico City. I'm sure this won't result in any problems.

Read more...

Vick to Play Again?

He has been offered a contract by the Albany Firebirds of ArenaFootball 2.


You know your life is messed up when you get out of prison, only to find that your best career option is to play in Albany for a minor league team, of a league who has suspended operations, playing a third-rate sport.

Read more...

The post where Matt calls me a fag

...and Charles Barkley de facto-ly calls me a loser.

That's right, I've set up a YCS Twitter account. The name is YellowChairSP (because "sports" doesn't fit within the character limit), and we will soon have more followers than Ashton Kutcher.

As low as we've set the bar for passable post material here, we feel that our readers are missing out on so much of our sports insight--most of which can be expressed in incoherent 140-or-less character blurbs. Essentially, it'll serve as a repository for the passing comments I would normally make to the TV (out loud... by myself... like a mental patient). Now instead of (/in addition to) talking to myself, I'll type them in the magic box for all to enjoy.

Given Matt's technophobic curmudgeonry, I can't promise full participation, nor can I promise that we won't completely forget about the account within a week. In the meantime, follow us, and drink up the brilliance.

Read more...

If only the NFL Draft were more like a fantasy draft

Commissioner Goodell approaches the mic stand, licking wing sauce off his fingers and hastily wiping his hands on his shirt.

Goodell: Alright, guys. Let's get this thing started. We'll cut the suspense... Lions take Stafford #1.

"Bust!"... "Shoulda taken Crabtree"... "Ballsy pick... not!"

Goodell: Ok, second pick... the Rams take Mark Sanchez.

"What?!"... "Are you retarded?"... Chiefs GM Scot Pioli forces robust guffaws and dramatically slaps the table.

Rams GM Billy Devaney: Whatever... I'm gonna look like a genius for this. You watch.

49ers GM Scot McCloughan: I'll bet you $5 million in cap space that he never throws more than 10 TDs in a season.

Devaney: You're on, chump.

Goodell: Come on, guys... No side bets. At least not this early on.

***

Goodell: With the 22nd pick, the Vikings select...

Goodell pauses, walks from the podium over to Vikings Director of Player Personnel George Paton.

Goodell: [whispering] Dude... didn't you hear? He messed up his knee last month. You sure you want him?

Paton: He did?! Oh, shit... Nah... Give me... Everett Brown then.

Falcons GM Thomas Dimitroff: Hey, what the fuck?! Don't help him out!

Goodell: Chill out, man. You know his mom's been sick, and he hasn't had a lot of time to research this stuff lately.

Dimitroff: So what? That's his problem.

Goodell: Dude...

Dimitroff: This is bullshit! I was gonna pick Brown.

Goodell: Sure you were.

Dimitroff: I totally was! Look, I even checked him off on my depth chart!

Goodell: Tough.

Dimitroff: This is so gay.

***

Goodell: With the 46th pick, the Texans select [snickering] Ki-Jana Carter, from the... [starts cracking up, spilling some of his beer]

[laughter]... "Ooh, ooh, I want Tony Mandarich!"... "Is Akilli Smith still available?"... [laughter]

Goodell: Ok, ok... Shit, what pick was this? Oh right... the Texans take William Moore.

Broncos GM Brian Xanders: Who the hell is he?

Texans GM Rick Smith: A safety... from Mizzou.

Xanders: Ah... Oh, yeah, now I see him on my draft board. I put him as third round if he was still around.

Smith: Yeah, I don't know. One of our guys says he's good. We'll see.

Xanders: Sweet. Yeah, at this point in the draft I'm just going off Kiper's cheat sheet.

Smith: Same here.

Xanders: Well, good luck.

***

Goodell: [stumbles to the podium] Ok... before we get to the 67th pick, we've got a trade... [glances over toward Saints GM Mickey Loomis and Chiefs GM Scott Pioli, whispering fervently] I think. Shit... hold on.

Goodell walks over to them, listens to some whispers and walks back to the podium. He pulls the mic to his mouth, hesitates, walks back over to the toward the two GMs, stops--"Nope, nope--I've got it"--and returns to the podium.

Goodell: Ok... I think I've got this now... The Chiefs trade Jamaal Charles, cash, and their 2010 first round pick...

Pioli: Second round pick!

Goodell: Shit... second round.

Loomis: No, wait! You said first!

Pioli: What the fuck are you talking about? We settled on second!

Goodell: Jesus...

Loomis: Like hell we did!

Goodell: It's getting late... Do you idiots have a trade or not?

Pioli: Fuck it... He's being an asshole. No trade.

Goodell: Goddamnit.

***

Goodell: Ok, before we get to whatever pick we're on...

"74th!"

Goodell: Right... 74th pick, I'm imposing a two-minute time limit from here on out.

McLoughan: What??

Goodell: Come on, it's late. I wanna get home in time for SNL. If you don't know your draft board by now, that's your problem.

Packers GM Ted Thompson: Yeah, he's right.

McLoughan: Fine, whatever. Ok, I pick... Shit... Hold on.

Goodell: [sighs] Forty-five seconds...

McLoughan: Don't rush me!

Goodell: God, you're such a bitch.

McLoughan: Stop calling me a bitch!

Goodell: You're not gonna start crying again are you?

McLoughan: For the last time, I wasn't crying!

Goodell: Fine, fine... You weren't crying. Now pick!

McLoughan: Forget it! I pass! [storms out of the room]

Goodell: McLoughan! Come on... Don't... Don't be like this! [sighs] Son of a...

***

Goodell: Ok, for the 90th pick...

Cardinals GM Rod Graves: Fuck!!

Goodell: What?

Graves: I just spilled beer all over my laptop. Can someone get me some more napkins?!!

Goodell: [massages forehead] For the love of God, someone get him some napkins.

Art Rooney brings him some napkins.

Graves: Thanks.

Rooney: Least I can do.

Goodell: Ok, I'm gonna be making the 90th pick for the Falcons. Dimitroff had to pick up his buddy from work.

Graves: Can you do that?

Goodell: I think so. Why not?

Graves: I dunno... go ahead.

Goodell: The Falcons get... hmmmm... How about... Ka-loo-ka... May-vuh? My-uh-vuh? ...Mulva? [slumps over, cracking up]

Thompson: [sober and unamused] Kaluka Maiava, USC.

Goodell: [straightening up] Yeah, him.

***

Goodell: Last pick, thank God.

[tired cheers]

Goodell: It's to you, Giants.

Giants GM Jerry Reese: Is Jarius Byrd still available?

Thompson: [annoyed] He was taken twenty picks ago.

Reese: Christ... I was just asking. I guess I forgot to cross him off my list, okay?

Goodell: Guyyys.....

Reese: Bradley Fletcher from Iowa.

Goodell: Brady Fletch, it is.

Reese: Fletcher... Bradley.

Goodell: Whatever. Fletcher. Let's get the fuck outta here.

Goodell flips off the mic, trips on the corner of the podium, and begins laughing hysterically.

Goodell: [waving to the exiting execs from the ground] See you motherfuckers tomorrow!

Read more...

Andy Van Slyke, purveyor of the straight dope

For Matt's enjoyment (and for the sake of posting some filler), I wanted link you baseball fans to this BP interview with Andy "Typical White, Non-Latino Ballplayer" Van Slyke, in which he addresses some interesting subjects (yes, including race) with a bunch of strange answers.

The highlights:

• Van Slyke says that Tommy Herr was probably the most underrated player on the 1985 Cardinals but then immediately implies that he was an underachieving chump for not driving in more runs that year with Ozzie Smith and Vince Coleman hitting ahead of him.
• He calls Mike Scott (partly tongue-in-cheek I would hope but can't say for sure) "the best pitcher to ever pitch in the big leagues," citing his 1 for 38 lifetime line off of him, and then promptly accuses Scott of rampant cheating throughout his career.
• Van Slyke assumes that Barry Bonds was only "trying to be funny" when he called him the "great white hope" because Bonds had a white wife--evidence that Bonds is not racially prejudiced (unlike Van Slyke).

The main highlight, though, is his bizarre, sprawling rumination on the state of baseball to close the Q&A. He says:

There are so many issues going on today in the game. Is the World Baseball Classic a good thing? There are steroids. There are so many things to talk about that I don't even know where to begin. I think the state of the game is solid. When the game starts, it still reflects, maybe in a lot of ways, where our society should be going. Unfortunately, those are some of the things our society is going away from. Pure competition leads to your own success or failure. I mean, if Obama was the commissioner right now, he might be trying to spread 25 points of batting average to somebody else so that they can have a better arbitration case. I think that baseball, at its core, is the purest form of capitalism that we have in our society. There is no favoritism. There is nobody pointing with a curve, and that's the way it should be.

[emphasis added]

Where the heck did that come from? Regardless, I'm not sure how apt the analogy is. I think it would be more like Obama would require Albert Pujols--and Albert Pujols alone--to go back a base on every extra-base hit he compiled beyond his first extra-base hit each game. Then he would have the league buy out all the bad Juan Pierre-like contracts and auction these players off to new teams for pennies on the dollar. Then he would have the league assume control of the most unprofitable franchise(s) by replacing high-level management and setting executive pay. But of course, nothing like this would ever happen in baseball.

Read more...

Detroit Lions: Super Bowl Contenders

Because now that they've changed their logo, it's only a matter of time.

Arizona Cardinals changed logo in 2005: Made Super Bowl in 2009.
Seattle Seahawks changed logo in 2002: Made Super Bowl in 2006.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers changed logo in 1997: Made Super Bowl in 2003.
New England Patriots changed logo in 1999: Made Super Bowl in 2002.
St. Louis Rams changed logo in 2000: Made Super Bowl in 2002.
Baltimore Ravens changed logo in 1998: Made Super Bowl in 2001.
New York Giants changed logo in 2000: Made Super Bowl in 2001.
Tennessee Titans changed logo in 1999: Made Super Bowl in 2000.
Denver Broncos changed logo in 1997: Made Super Bowl in 1998.
New England Patriots changed logo in 1993: Made Super Bowl in 1997.

Results may vary. See: San Francisco 49ers, Miami Dolphins, Atlanta Falcons.

Read more...

Back in the Day when athletes endorsed more than just shoes and Gatorade

Former New York Cosmos goalkeeper and current RBNY broadcast and MLSnet.com Extra Time color analyst Shep Messing in an ad from his playing days, which judging from the size of his fro and stache, appears to be from his time with the Cosmos from 1973-1977 (with a short stint with the Boston Minutemen in there).

Shep Messing Classic Commercial
Uploaded by flg8or99

Read more...

North Carolina Defeats Michigan State; Recession to Continue

Sorry, this really isn't a post, but I'm sure regardless of where they fall on the political spectrum, all the YCS writers can agree that all the "Michigan State needs to win this one for the state of Michigan!" stories were absolutely insufferable. Unless there was some sort of side bet made between Roy Williams and Tom Izzo that the losing coach was contractually obligated to buy 5,000,000 Fords, I don't really see how a Spartans victory was supposed to help the state's horrendous economy.

Read more...

Please, Please Let This Be True

From Brewers beat writer Adam McCalvy's blog about the Brewers exhibition games this weekend against the Dodgers:

Braun was manning left field in the fourth inning at Dodger Stadium when he heard commotion over his shoulder. When Braun turned around and scanned the stands, he didn't quite believe what he saw.

"Me and Cam [Brewers center fielder Mike Cameron] were both looking and we were like, 'Is that Manny? It's Manny!'" Braun said with a big smile. "He's crazy."

According to Braun, Ramirez was milling with fans in the left field bleachers, dressed out in his full road uniform. If it indeed was him, Ramirez must have changed out of his home whites after exiting the game in the third inning -- Juan Pierre replaced Ramirez as Dodgers manager Joe Torre rested many of his regulars at the end of a long Spring Training -- and somehow sneaked out to the stands.

God damn it, Manny Ramirez is awesome.

Read more...

One of these people is excited to meet a fellow superstar athlete...

And the other is confused as to who this white guy is with the funny accent.


Hattip Deadspin for the photo.

Read more...

"Failure" = Three #1 Seeds, 7 Tournament teams, 5 Sweet 16 Teams, 2 Final Four Teams

Misleading Headline on SI.com

"Dan Patrick Radio: Boeheim Explains Big East's Failure"

Actual content of link

"Boeheim says the fact the Big East didn't get a team in the final game doesn't mean the conference isn't strong. He says you have to evaluate how many teams went far."

Read more...

Happy Opening Day from YCS

Read more...

High Five!!!

In a rarity for YCs, I would like to give a shout-out to the NCAA for making the Final Four in Detroit's Ford Field one of the coolest venues that I have seen a basketball game played. Sure it helps that Michigan State is playing only an hour from campus, but what a great layout for the games. Well Done!

Read more...

A look back on Jay Cutler's possible future with the Bears

Santa Claus is coming to town!

[Before I get rolling, I'd just want to share the "modern technology is amazing, isn't it?" way I heard about the Jay Cutler trade. As I understand it, the news broke at about 3:30pm CST Thursday. At 4:23pm CST, YCS pal Iain sent me a text message across 3,500 miles from his home in Anchorage, AK to my suburban Chicago cubicle--located about 45 miles from the Bears' headquarters in Lake Forest, IL--telling me to "have fun with [my] new QB!" Before I could finish typing my reply, "Cutler???" I heard one of my coworkers yell, "Oh my God!" and then relay the details of the trade to another coworker. After exchanging a couple texts with Iain and glancing through the breaking story on espn.com, I sent Matt (Pack fan) the obligatory braggadocious email at 4:38... just as he was sending me his obligatory "congratulations but you still suck" email. So basically, what would've once taken the Pony Express and a family of Eskimos riding yak-back several years to communicate took just over an hour, and the news was beamed to Alaska and back before it could even reach the proverbial water cooler. I know it makes me sound like I'm 150 years old, but stuff like that makes me smile.]

Let me start by saying--I'm as stoked as anyone about J.C. in a Bears uniform. There are few things I love more in sports than the so-called gunslinging quarterback, and for once, the Bears have one who's tall enough to succeed in the NFL. (You're still the man, Rex!) But if the first few months of Commrade Barack's regime have taught us anything, it's that honeymoons are short-lived and that the executive branch of our government can do pretty much whatever the fuck it wants.

Of course, Chicago sports fans are especially bipolar, with inflated optimism so often and so quickly giving way to a baseline fatalism. In addition, Bears fans are characteristically skeptical of star power on offense, and considering what Jerry Angelo gave up to acquire Cutler--from a team with compromised leverage, mind you--it's conceivable that the Soldier Field crowd could turn on Cutler as soon as next year and highly likely that they will do so at some point within the next five years.

***

November, 2009... It's a dreary Sunday evening in Chicago after a late Jay Cutler interception caps the Bears' third consecutive loss, dropping them to 5-7, effectively ending their playoff chances. Meanwhile, the Denver Broncos, led by a strong defense and the conservative passing attack of Kyle Orton, lead the AFC West with a 9-3 mark.

Ed O'Bradovich: Welcome to the Score, Chuck.
Chuck: Thanks, O'B.... Huge fan. You too, Doug.
Doug Buffone: Thanks, Chuck.
Chuck: I used to love watching you guys play... You played the game the way it was meant to be played.
Doug and O'B. Really appreciate it, Chuck.
Chuck: I tell ya guys... I'm sick over this game today.
O'B.: We know the feeling.
Chuck: I know I'm a little mad right now, but it's just... It's just what the hell did we give up all that to get Cutler for?! What value has this guy brought to the team? He's putting up these big yardage numbers and all these touchdowns, but this guy just doesn't win! Look at what Orton is doing out there in Denver with a good defense. You don't win because you have a quarterback trowin' for 300 yards every game! You need to play defense and run the ball, Doug and O'B.--You know that.
Doug: Totally agree, Chuck.
O'B.: It's always been that way and always will be in this game--The only way you win is if you get up the line of scrimmage, and you hit somebody in the damn mouth!

***

Angelo, Smith out in Chicago
Associated Press
December 30, 2010

The Chicago Bears fired both general manager Jerry Angelo and head coach Lovie Smith today after failing to make the playoffs for the fourth consecutive year.

The primary reasons for the firings, according to team sources, were the failure of Angelo to complement high-priced quarterback Jay Cutler with offensive weapons and Smith's inability to craft a gameplan around Cutler's strengths, a failing that often led to tension on the Bears sidelines.

Marty Schottenheimer, Wade Phillips, and Dennis Green are considered the top candidates to take over Smith's position while rumors continue to swirl that Bill Parcells may be offered a chance to serve in a dual role as both head coach and GM...

***

Chicago Tribune
January 24, 2013
Bears' loss proves Broncos' gain
By Rick Morrissey

As I hover over the smouldering embers of what was once my oak desk to keep warm here in Tribune Tower (since we can no longer afford to turn on the heat), there's only one thing that has me feeling more bitter than the obsolecense of our once-proud newspaper industry. And it's the Bears.

As we come upon Super Bowl XLVIII, I can't help but think of the fateful trade orchestrated by former GM Jerry Angelo in the 2009 offseason and that the core of the favored Denver Broncos--quarterback Kyle Orton, [the three guys drafted with the Bears' 2009 and 2010 picks]--all were once, or could have been, Bears.

Meanwhile, Jay Cutler will be watching the Big Game from a hospital bed as he recovers from his fourth knee surgery in the last two years and contemplates whether he will ever play again...

Read more...

Two Fractions of a Post Does Not Equal One Legitimate Post...

...but here goes anyway.

Firstly, I saw this tidbit on Deadspin (via some blog called Hugging Harold Reynolds) that I'm sure nobody saw because it took place during an NIT basketball game involving Penn State. In what I can only assume was done for the express purposes of unintentional comedy, Bill Rafferty interviewed Joe Paterno during the game and Paterno delivered this gem of an out-of-nowhere old man quote:

"Everyone says it's a black mans game. When I played it was a Jewish mans game."

Now, in the pantheon of sports figures that can do absolutely no wrong in the eyes of YCS, Joe Paterno is very easily in the top 10, behind 'Sheed and Manny Ramirez but somewhere in the neighborhood of Allen Iverson. However, I've gotta say I find what JoePa said here a little offensive. A Jewish man's game? Really, Joe? Come on, that's patently offensive and silly. I hate to break it to you, but no sport or athletic endeavor has been considered a 'Jewish man's game' since dreidel and "killing Christ" fell out of popularity with today's youth (what with their video games, make out parties and their Dan Fogelberg records).

Second - has anyone noticed that ESPN and ESPNRadio's "ESPN Deportes" updates are absurdly, laughably racist? I mean, like ridiculously so? I've seen or heard about ten of these in the last week and so far all I've gathered is that they're just someone of varying hispanic descendence giving soccer highlights in an extremely thick Spanish accent. Is that really reaching out to a new market demo, ESPN? I mean, what the hell?

Read more...