If only the NFL Draft were more like a fantasy draft

Commissioner Goodell approaches the mic stand, licking wing sauce off his fingers and hastily wiping his hands on his shirt.

Goodell: Alright, guys. Let's get this thing started. We'll cut the suspense... Lions take Stafford #1.

"Bust!"... "Shoulda taken Crabtree"... "Ballsy pick... not!"

Goodell: Ok, second pick... the Rams take Mark Sanchez.

"What?!"... "Are you retarded?"... Chiefs GM Scot Pioli forces robust guffaws and dramatically slaps the table.

Rams GM Billy Devaney: Whatever... I'm gonna look like a genius for this. You watch.

49ers GM Scot McCloughan: I'll bet you $5 million in cap space that he never throws more than 10 TDs in a season.

Devaney: You're on, chump.

Goodell: Come on, guys... No side bets. At least not this early on.

***

Goodell: With the 22nd pick, the Vikings select...

Goodell pauses, walks from the podium over to Vikings Director of Player Personnel George Paton.

Goodell: [whispering] Dude... didn't you hear? He messed up his knee last month. You sure you want him?

Paton: He did?! Oh, shit... Nah... Give me... Everett Brown then.

Falcons GM Thomas Dimitroff: Hey, what the fuck?! Don't help him out!

Goodell: Chill out, man. You know his mom's been sick, and he hasn't had a lot of time to research this stuff lately.

Dimitroff: So what? That's his problem.

Goodell: Dude...

Dimitroff: This is bullshit! I was gonna pick Brown.

Goodell: Sure you were.

Dimitroff: I totally was! Look, I even checked him off on my depth chart!

Goodell: Tough.

Dimitroff: This is so gay.

***

Goodell: With the 46th pick, the Texans select [snickering] Ki-Jana Carter, from the... [starts cracking up, spilling some of his beer]

[laughter]... "Ooh, ooh, I want Tony Mandarich!"... "Is Akilli Smith still available?"... [laughter]

Goodell: Ok, ok... Shit, what pick was this? Oh right... the Texans take William Moore.

Broncos GM Brian Xanders: Who the hell is he?

Texans GM Rick Smith: A safety... from Mizzou.

Xanders: Ah... Oh, yeah, now I see him on my draft board. I put him as third round if he was still around.

Smith: Yeah, I don't know. One of our guys says he's good. We'll see.

Xanders: Sweet. Yeah, at this point in the draft I'm just going off Kiper's cheat sheet.

Smith: Same here.

Xanders: Well, good luck.

***

Goodell: [stumbles to the podium] Ok... before we get to the 67th pick, we've got a trade... [glances over toward Saints GM Mickey Loomis and Chiefs GM Scott Pioli, whispering fervently] I think. Shit... hold on.

Goodell walks over to them, listens to some whispers and walks back to the podium. He pulls the mic to his mouth, hesitates, walks back over to the toward the two GMs, stops--"Nope, nope--I've got it"--and returns to the podium.

Goodell: Ok... I think I've got this now... The Chiefs trade Jamaal Charles, cash, and their 2010 first round pick...

Pioli: Second round pick!

Goodell: Shit... second round.

Loomis: No, wait! You said first!

Pioli: What the fuck are you talking about? We settled on second!

Goodell: Jesus...

Loomis: Like hell we did!

Goodell: It's getting late... Do you idiots have a trade or not?

Pioli: Fuck it... He's being an asshole. No trade.

Goodell: Goddamnit.

***

Goodell: Ok, before we get to whatever pick we're on...

"74th!"

Goodell: Right... 74th pick, I'm imposing a two-minute time limit from here on out.

McLoughan: What??

Goodell: Come on, it's late. I wanna get home in time for SNL. If you don't know your draft board by now, that's your problem.

Packers GM Ted Thompson: Yeah, he's right.

McLoughan: Fine, whatever. Ok, I pick... Shit... Hold on.

Goodell: [sighs] Forty-five seconds...

McLoughan: Don't rush me!

Goodell: God, you're such a bitch.

McLoughan: Stop calling me a bitch!

Goodell: You're not gonna start crying again are you?

McLoughan: For the last time, I wasn't crying!

Goodell: Fine, fine... You weren't crying. Now pick!

McLoughan: Forget it! I pass! [storms out of the room]

Goodell: McLoughan! Come on... Don't... Don't be like this! [sighs] Son of a...

***

Goodell: Ok, for the 90th pick...

Cardinals GM Rod Graves: Fuck!!

Goodell: What?

Graves: I just spilled beer all over my laptop. Can someone get me some more napkins?!!

Goodell: [massages forehead] For the love of God, someone get him some napkins.

Art Rooney brings him some napkins.

Graves: Thanks.

Rooney: Least I can do.

Goodell: Ok, I'm gonna be making the 90th pick for the Falcons. Dimitroff had to pick up his buddy from work.

Graves: Can you do that?

Goodell: I think so. Why not?

Graves: I dunno... go ahead.

Goodell: The Falcons get... hmmmm... How about... Ka-loo-ka... May-vuh? My-uh-vuh? ...Mulva? [slumps over, cracking up]

Thompson: [sober and unamused] Kaluka Maiava, USC.

Goodell: [straightening up] Yeah, him.

***

Goodell: Last pick, thank God.

[tired cheers]

Goodell: It's to you, Giants.

Giants GM Jerry Reese: Is Jarius Byrd still available?

Thompson: [annoyed] He was taken twenty picks ago.

Reese: Christ... I was just asking. I guess I forgot to cross him off my list, okay?

Goodell: Guyyys.....

Reese: Bradley Fletcher from Iowa.

Goodell: Brady Fletch, it is.

Reese: Fletcher... Bradley.

Goodell: Whatever. Fletcher. Let's get the fuck outta here.

Goodell flips off the mic, trips on the corner of the podium, and begins laughing hysterically.

Goodell: [waving to the exiting execs from the ground] See you motherfuckers tomorrow!