If only the NFL Draft were more like a fantasy draft

Commissioner Goodell approaches the mic stand, licking wing sauce off his fingers and hastily wiping his hands on his shirt.

Goodell: Alright, guys. Let's get this thing started. We'll cut the suspense... Lions take Stafford #1.

"Bust!"... "Shoulda taken Crabtree"... "Ballsy pick... not!"

Goodell: Ok, second pick... the Rams take Mark Sanchez.

"What?!"... "Are you retarded?"... Chiefs GM Scot Pioli forces robust guffaws and dramatically slaps the table.

Rams GM Billy Devaney: Whatever... I'm gonna look like a genius for this. You watch.

49ers GM Scot McCloughan: I'll bet you $5 million in cap space that he never throws more than 10 TDs in a season.

Devaney: You're on, chump.

Goodell: Come on, guys... No side bets. At least not this early on.

***

Goodell: With the 22nd pick, the Vikings select...

Goodell pauses, walks from the podium over to Vikings Director of Player Personnel George Paton.

Goodell: [whispering] Dude... didn't you hear? He messed up his knee last month. You sure you want him?

Paton: He did?! Oh, shit... Nah... Give me... Everett Brown then.

Falcons GM Thomas Dimitroff: Hey, what the fuck?! Don't help him out!

Goodell: Chill out, man. You know his mom's been sick, and he hasn't had a lot of time to research this stuff lately.

Dimitroff: So what? That's his problem.

Goodell: Dude...

Dimitroff: This is bullshit! I was gonna pick Brown.

Goodell: Sure you were.

Dimitroff: I totally was! Look, I even checked him off on my depth chart!

Goodell: Tough.

Dimitroff: This is so gay.

***

Goodell: With the 46th pick, the Texans select [snickering] Ki-Jana Carter, from the... [starts cracking up, spilling some of his beer]

[laughter]... "Ooh, ooh, I want Tony Mandarich!"... "Is Akilli Smith still available?"... [laughter]

Goodell: Ok, ok... Shit, what pick was this? Oh right... the Texans take William Moore.

Broncos GM Brian Xanders: Who the hell is he?

Texans GM Rick Smith: A safety... from Mizzou.

Xanders: Ah... Oh, yeah, now I see him on my draft board. I put him as third round if he was still around.

Smith: Yeah, I don't know. One of our guys says he's good. We'll see.

Xanders: Sweet. Yeah, at this point in the draft I'm just going off Kiper's cheat sheet.

Smith: Same here.

Xanders: Well, good luck.

***

Goodell: [stumbles to the podium] Ok... before we get to the 67th pick, we've got a trade... [glances over toward Saints GM Mickey Loomis and Chiefs GM Scott Pioli, whispering fervently] I think. Shit... hold on.

Goodell walks over to them, listens to some whispers and walks back to the podium. He pulls the mic to his mouth, hesitates, walks back over to the toward the two GMs, stops--"Nope, nope--I've got it"--and returns to the podium.

Goodell: Ok... I think I've got this now... The Chiefs trade Jamaal Charles, cash, and their 2010 first round pick...

Pioli: Second round pick!

Goodell: Shit... second round.

Loomis: No, wait! You said first!

Pioli: What the fuck are you talking about? We settled on second!

Goodell: Jesus...

Loomis: Like hell we did!

Goodell: It's getting late... Do you idiots have a trade or not?

Pioli: Fuck it... He's being an asshole. No trade.

Goodell: Goddamnit.

***

Goodell: Ok, before we get to whatever pick we're on...

"74th!"

Goodell: Right... 74th pick, I'm imposing a two-minute time limit from here on out.

McLoughan: What??

Goodell: Come on, it's late. I wanna get home in time for SNL. If you don't know your draft board by now, that's your problem.

Packers GM Ted Thompson: Yeah, he's right.

McLoughan: Fine, whatever. Ok, I pick... Shit... Hold on.

Goodell: [sighs] Forty-five seconds...

McLoughan: Don't rush me!

Goodell: God, you're such a bitch.

McLoughan: Stop calling me a bitch!

Goodell: You're not gonna start crying again are you?

McLoughan: For the last time, I wasn't crying!

Goodell: Fine, fine... You weren't crying. Now pick!

McLoughan: Forget it! I pass! [storms out of the room]

Goodell: McLoughan! Come on... Don't... Don't be like this! [sighs] Son of a...

***

Goodell: Ok, for the 90th pick...

Cardinals GM Rod Graves: Fuck!!

Goodell: What?

Graves: I just spilled beer all over my laptop. Can someone get me some more napkins?!!

Goodell: [massages forehead] For the love of God, someone get him some napkins.

Art Rooney brings him some napkins.

Graves: Thanks.

Rooney: Least I can do.

Goodell: Ok, I'm gonna be making the 90th pick for the Falcons. Dimitroff had to pick up his buddy from work.

Graves: Can you do that?

Goodell: I think so. Why not?

Graves: I dunno... go ahead.

Goodell: The Falcons get... hmmmm... How about... Ka-loo-ka... May-vuh? My-uh-vuh? ...Mulva? [slumps over, cracking up]

Thompson: [sober and unamused] Kaluka Maiava, USC.

Goodell: [straightening up] Yeah, him.

***

Goodell: Last pick, thank God.

[tired cheers]

Goodell: It's to you, Giants.

Giants GM Jerry Reese: Is Jarius Byrd still available?

Thompson: [annoyed] He was taken twenty picks ago.

Reese: Christ... I was just asking. I guess I forgot to cross him off my list, okay?

Goodell: Guyyys.....

Reese: Bradley Fletcher from Iowa.

Goodell: Brady Fletch, it is.

Reese: Fletcher... Bradley.

Goodell: Whatever. Fletcher. Let's get the fuck outta here.

Goodell flips off the mic, trips on the corner of the podium, and begins laughing hysterically.

Goodell: [waving to the exiting execs from the ground] See you motherfuckers tomorrow!

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YCS Reaction to the Brett Favre situation

As reported yesterday by Fox Sports, Packers legendary QB Brett Favre asked to be traded following the draft. Unhappy with the Pack not landing Randy Moss and a general lack of adding significant offensive players, Favre feels that the Pack may not be going all-out to win now.

At this point, I think it may be in the best interest for the Pack to trade Favre and see what they have with Aaron Rodgers. While many Packers fans lack faith in Rodgers's potential, you are obligated to see what a first round pick can do before giving up on him. Even with Favre, the Pack look to be a 5-6 win team competing with Detroit to avoid the NFC North basement. There are enough teams with a strong need at quarterback that Favre could net an early round pick. Also, with the way the Packers decision makers have misled Favre, it would be fair to Favre for them to find a situation where he could go out a winner.

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NFL Draft-Day One Thoughts

After skillfully plastering my ass in front on the TV for eleven hours and change, I must make a few observations about today's selection meeting.

Big Winners:

San Francisco-A franchise already on the rise, the 49ers built on their momentum with a phenomenal draft day. Patrick Willis loves football, and that along with bringing his excellent athletic skills to the table makes him a tremedous addition to any ballclub. He should be a perennial Pro Bowler and the inside linebacker anchor of Mike Nolan's 3-4 defense. After his slide to spot 28, trading up and drafting a potential franchise left tackle in Joe Staley stabilizes a young offensive line. Despite having no second round picks, they picked up great values in the third round with Florida defensive end Ray McDonald and Washington State wide receiver Jason Hill. Both guys could be very solid NFL starters and represented excellent value in the 3rd round. New England will be dispappointed when their 2008 1st round acquired for Staley will be much lower than expected. Should they complete a proposed trade for Seattle receiver Darrell Jackson tomorrow, they will be in position to seriously contend for the NFC West title next season.

Cleveland-Welcome back to the NFL Cleveland. After a forgettable first eight seasons back in Cleveland that produced guys like Tim Couch and Courtney Brown, Phil Savage and Romeo Crennel have the Browns finally ready to take a big step forward. In most years, Joe Thomas would have a serious claim to the top spot on draft boards. He should be one of the best left tackles in league for the forseeable future, and along with the Jets D'Bricikishaw Ferguson lead the next generation of stud left tackles in the mold of Orlando Pace, Walter Jones and Jonathan Ogden. As I wrote last night, I really believe Brady Quinn outperforms #1 pick JaMarcus Russell and will be a steal at 22. While having a memorable draft day, Quinn's NFL career will greatly outshine today's dramatic fall. Second round pick Eric Wright could be answer at cornerback after the gruesome injury to Gary Baxter. While taking a risk with his character, getting a mid first round corner talent at pick 52 could make this a trifecta for the Browns should Wright stay out of trouble.

Other winners:

Carolina-While they could definitely considered as big winners, I'm not a huge fan of Beason. That said, their other three picks jump out as tremendous value picks. Dwayne Jarrett should be a very good redzone threat, and has the potential to develop into an 70-80 catch, 10 touchdown per year guy. Ryan Kalil will an anchor on the interior of the line, and could soon challenge Matt Birk and Olin Kreutz and the best center in the NFC. Charles Johnson has tons of potential, and is the type of third round pick teams covet. He could greatly outperform his draft position and be the strong starter opposite Julius Peppers at defensive end.

Indianapolis-While they have not made many notable draft picks since Dwight Freeney, this could be the draft that really builds a new foundation for the Colts. Anthony Gonzalez should be an excellent fit as their third receiver, and having a slot threat makes Peyton Manning that much more dangerous. Tony Ugoh is an excellent left tackle prospect, and should be the heir apparent to Tarik Glenn. At the end of the third round, they drafted excellent college players in Daymeion Hughes and Quinn Pitcock. While Hughes did not run well at the combine, his senior season with 8 interceptions proved he can the playmaker ideally suited for the Cover 2 defense. Pitcock, one of the lone returning starters on Ohio State's defense last year, had a nice senior season and should be a good rotational defensive linemen.

Minnesota-After taking the explosive Adrian Peterson, the Vikes got good value with Sidney Rice in the 2nd round and Marcus McCauley in the third. Rice, like Jarrett, should be a nice big receiving target and a threat in the red zone the Vikes sorely lacked last season. If McCauley plays to his potential, he could be a quality NFL starter and a nice addition to a secondary that needed some help. While they could look for a pass rusher tomorrow, they made three very solid picks today and added some much needed excitement to their offense.

New York Jets-After greatly overachieving last season, the Jets wheeled and dealed and wound up with tremendous football players in Darrelle Revis and David Harris. Revis, who they traded up to get at 14, should be a very good player who could develop into a valued cover corner. Harris, a steal in the mid second round, could be the second best linebacker in this draft. A great fit in the 3-4 at inside linebacker, Harris has a similar combination of football skills and athleticism as Willis. Playing with three other high draft picks at Michigan (Leon Hall, Alan Branch, Lamarr Woodley), I think Harris will the best pro career of the bunch.

Losers:

Miami-The decision to pass on Brady Quinn for Ted Ginn Jr. will haunt the Dolphins for many years to come. Badly needing a young quarterback to groom, they instead took a guy whose only value will be returning kicks for his first 2-3 years. While John Beck could become an adequate NFL starter, Quinn may be the franchise quarterback who a team builds around for a decade. Lorenzo Booker will be a nice third down back. However, his pick does not make up for passing on Quinn, and then having taking a low ceiling guy like Beck in round two.

Green Bay-While not in as dire need as Minnesota, the Packers badly needed to draft a potential game-changer or two on offense. Marshawn Lynch coming off the board at 12 set them back, but the could have taken guys like Dwayne Bowe or Greg Olsen and added a running back in round two. Instead, they took a gamble on a defensive tackle who missed his senior season. In the second round, they trade down and take another gamble on Brandon Jackson, instead of proven college guys like Tony Hunt or Kenny Irons, who they could have taken had they stayed at 47. In round three, they really reach on a kid from San Jose State when better values like Aundrae Allison, David Clowney, Courtney Taylor and Johnnie Lee Higgins were all still on the board.

While the Bears reached with their second round and two third round picks, getting a potential Pro Bowl tight end at 31 in Greg Olsen saves them from joining Miami and Green Bay as first day losers. However, should Olsen fail to live up to expectations, this may be the worst draft of the Jerry Angelo. Now, Angelo does very good on past day two's in picking up solid contributors in Nathan Vasher, Mark Anderson and Ian Scott.

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Enough already

Character.

Webster's defines "character" as "1. the aggregate of features and traits that form the individual nature of some person or thing. 2. one such feature or trait; characteristic. 3. moral or ethical quality: a man of fine, honorable character. 4. qualities of honesty, courage, or the like; integrity: It takes character to face up to a bully. 5. reputation: a stain on one's character. 6. good repute. 7. an account of the qualities or peculiarities of a person or thing. 8. a person, esp. with reference to behavior or personality: a suspicious character. 9. Informal. an odd, eccentric, or unusual person. 10. a person represented in a drama, story, etc. 11. a part or role, as in a play or film. 12. a symbol as used in a writing system, as a letter of the alphabet. 13. the symbols of a writing system collectively. 14. a significant visual mark or symbol. 15. status or capacity: the character of a justice of the peace. 16. a written statement from an employer concerning the qualities of a former employee. 17. Literature. (esp. in 17th- and 18th-century England) a formal character sketch or descriptive analysis of a particular human virtue or vice as represented in a person or type. 18. Genetics. any trait, function, structure, or substance of an organism resulting from the effect of one or more genes as modified by the environment. 19. Computers. a. any symbol, as a number, letter, punctuation mark, etc., that represents data and that, when encoded, is usable by a machine. b. one of a set of basic symbols that singly or in a series of two or more represents data and, when encoded, is usable in a computer. 20. a style of writing or printing. 21. Roman Catholic Theology. the ineffaceable imprint received on the soul through the sacraments of baptism, confirmation, and ordination. 22. (formerly) a cipher or cipher message."

For the sake of this post, you can probably ignore 8 through 22 on that list, as I won't be discussing Roman Catholic theology or computer programming. At least I don't plan on it. (However, I am using characters 12 and 13 to write this.) I just couldn't come up with a good intro for this post, so I went with the most hackneyed one I could think of.

Anyway, I figure hundreds of columnists and bloggers have written this same exact column/post, but all this "character" talk with the NFL draft has really been eating at me. All morning and afternoon, as well as the week leading up to the draft, analysts have talked about the all-time high emphasis on players having "good character."

Man, what a joke.

I won't go into the cynical angle that professional sports organizations really don't care about their players' conduct as long as they help the team make money. The truth is, yes, organizations do care for that very reason--these "character" issues are bad PR and cost their players time on the field. Just because the motive is more about profit than America's youth, the motive is still there.

That said, NFL owners and GMs shouldn't kid themselves and think they're accomplishing much by screening prospective picks on these character indicators. Over and over, we've heard who has or hasn't "tried" marijuana or who's had a run-in with the law.

That shallowness of the discussion just astounds me. Marijuana? This is a primary factor in judging these players' character? Are you kidding me? I understand that an assault or gun violation would raise concern about a player's off-field conduct, and I understand that no GM wants to draft a guy who might get suspended half the season for failing his drug test.

But really, how effective are these indicators in predicting things like suspensions? Maybe people knew that Ricky Williams was kind of a pothead coming into the league, but even knowing that, could anyone have predicted the toll it's taken on his career?

Or Pacman Jones. This week on ESPN the ex-GM (forgot his name) who drafted Jones noted that he'd only had one incident in college--a fight during his sophomore year. Then Jones went to the NFL and--well--became Pacman Jones.

I realize that both situations are anecdotal and that all predictors--even good ones--will have their limitations and exceptions, but I think they highlight a very important fact. Once these players are drafted to the NFL, their lives change so profoundly that, in a sense, they will no longer be the same person they were in college or high school. The life situations that will dictate their post-college life will scarcely resemble those that made up their pre-professional life.

We call young adulthood our "formative years" for a reason. There are no doubt certain under-the-surface personality characteristics, ingrained in our genes and childhood experiences, that stay relatively constant beyond the age of 21 or 22. But how those will manifest themselves in a profoundly different context with profoundly different day-to-day stimuli or how they will affect on-field development are issues with which the best developmental psychologists might struggle--let alone NFL personnel.

It's also unfortunate that the relevance and complexity of "character" within a sports context are seemingly glossed over in this discussion. Suspension issues aside, teams desire good character guys because they want players who will not detract from the team dynamic. That's a perfectly reasonable goal, but to that end, factors like marijuana use and criminal offenses, I think, mean even less.

As far as PR goes, it's unrealistic for an organization to entirely avoid players who might put a negative face on the franchise, and any attempt to do so is pretty futile and self-defeating. I'm simply not convinced that sort of thing is within a team's control, and the overly cautious teams will ultimately get burned passing on talent in a vain attempt to keep their noses clean. And after all, isn't it more noble to give a troubled kid his due and take some responsibility for his fate than it is to say, "not our problem"? But I guess responsibility has nothing to do with it, despite the league's DARE officer approach to matters of character.

I could go further, but I'd better stop myself now before this post spins into a wild tangent on all sorts of loosely related topics. As much as I'd like that, I simply don't have time for that right now. Sorry, this ending is even worse than the intro.

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Amobi Time

So, that's what the cool kids are calling it nowadays.

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