High times in the 'Querq
>> Tuesday

We can now add "playful potheads" to this list:
From Brewers beat writer Adam McCalvy's blog about the Brewers exhibition games this weekend against the Dodgers:
Braun was manning left field in the fourth inning at Dodger Stadium when he heard commotion over his shoulder. When Braun turned around and scanned the stands, he didn't quite believe what he saw.
"Me and Cam [Brewers center fielder Mike Cameron] were both looking and we were like, 'Is that Manny? It's Manny!'" Braun said with a big smile. "He's crazy."
According to Braun, Ramirez was milling with fans in the left field bleachers, dressed out in his full road uniform. If it indeed was him, Ramirez must have changed out of his home whites after exiting the game in the third inning -- Juan Pierre replaced Ramirez as Dodgers manager Joe Torre rested many of his regulars at the end of a long Spring Training -- and somehow sneaked out to the stands.
God damn it, Manny Ramirez is awesome.
In the words of 1990's philosopher-chef Frank Costanza, "I'm back, bay-bee!"
Not with anything of real substance, of course, but with some hastily cobbled-together thoughts on some recent sports doin's.
Item the first: Jonathan Papelbon is a bitch.
"It just takes one guy to bring an entire team down, and that's exactly what was happening," Papelbon said, according to the magazine. "Once we saw that, we weren't afraid to get rid of him. It's like cancer. That's what he was. Cancer. He had to go. It [stunk], but that was the only scenario that was going to work. That was it for us."
1. Once "we" saw that, "we" got rid of him? Really, Jon? I assume you mean that you and Theo had a quick pow-wow to decide to move Manny to LA.
2. No one better understands the opinions and attitudes of an entire baseball team than some glorified asshole who (at most) plays one half of an inning every other (or so) night.
3. I wonder what Jon Lester would think of your liberal use of cancer analogies.
4. That 'cancer' helped earn you two World Series rings and will be cancering its way into the Hall of Fame whenever it so chooses. Without him (and with a seriously debilitated David Ortiz), your offense looked mighty pedestrian.
5. "We got Jason Bay -- Johnny Ballgame, plays the game right, plays through broken knees, runs out every ground ball -- and it was like a breath of fresh air, man! Awesome! No question." I'm not sure how to say this or if it's even defensible, but...man, that's racist.
Item the second: Albert Pujols is (and loves the f out of) God.
Not sure how many of you get Sports Illustrated, but there's an article about Pujols and his reaction to being baseball's current "best hope for a clean hero," and...call me naive, but I loves me some Albert Pujols. Seriously, read that story. If you're not a Pujols fan, you'll at least respect the guy.
Also a bitch: Sidney Crosby
Crosby, in re: Alex Ovechkin's habit of going apeshit when he scores: "Some people like it, some people don't. Personally, I don't like it."
You know what? Fuck you, Sidney Crosby. And fuck you, everyone else who gets all huffy when someone (especially someone who does as many amazing things as Ovechkin) actually gets excited about what they're doing. Yeah, Sid, that's what the NHL needs - more boring, workmanlike non-personalities who go about their business with button-down, A-Rod like professionalism. That'll pack in the fans. And by the way, Crosby, come talk to me when you stop playing like Gretzky 2.0 and actually hit someone, like Ovechkin (leading the Caps in goals and hits) does every fucking night.
My point: Alex Ovechkin could kill a guy in front of me and I probably wouldn't care, because he's awesome, and I don't even follow/understand hockey.
Those who can't understand how the media didn't know about steroids during the 80s and 90s need look no further than this article from Rick Reilly
To wit: Reilly, talking about how baseball should give awards won by steroid abusers to the guys who finished second:
And here's yours from 2001, Luis Gonzalez, after you finished behind The Barry Bonds Pharmacy. We won't even mention the home run title you would've won that year.
Hmmm....
Luis Gonzalez, 2000: 31 HR
Luis Gonzalez, 2001: 57 HR
Luis Gonzalez, 2002: 28 HR
Now, I'm not insinuating that Luis Gonzalez was on steroids in 2001, but...in an era when we're not supposed to take any baseball numbers at face value, Rick Reilly wants to congratulate a guy who suddenly caps his career high in homers by 26? Really? That's the guy you want to showcase as someone who did things the 'right' way? (Also: your article is dumb anyway)
Bear in mind that in 1996 Brady Anderson (the poster boy for the "holy shit, how did everyone not realize this guy was on steroids" crowd) hit 50 homers after a previous career high of 21. But, like I said, I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.
Anyway, that's all I've got for now. You may all resume bitching about college hoops conference tournaments for the third year in a row.
In the latest edition of "Manny being Manny," Red Sox star right fielder Manny Ramirez got into a heated brouhaha with team traveling secretary Jack McCormick which resulted in McCormick being shoved to the ground. Team officials stated that this stemmed from McCormick's inability to produce the "goods" for Manny's family and friends during the recent trip to Houston.
As a result, Red Sox officials are inquiring about the availability of current Yankee George Costanza, assistant to the team's traveling secretary. "We think Costanza is ready for the show," said Red Sox GM Theo Epstein. "I mean this guy has an uncanny ability to come up with new, original ideas. Who would have thought of cotton uni's until Costanza mentioned it to Showalter? And let's not forget about his extending the bathroom stalls at Yankee Stadium to the ground!"
While George Costanza is a "can't miss" hire for the Red Sox, there are still lingering effects of the gay-photo shoot that Costanza was involved in. "We can't worry about the past, we can only look to the future" said Epstein.
And I'm still bitching about the fact that Bill Simmons doesn't know about baseball. From the Sports Guy's mailbag column (few days old... just noticed it):
Q: Your stubborn insistence on writing basketball nonsense for months on end reminds me of when Pearl Jam made albums like "Binaural" to purposely drive fans away. The baseball season just started and have we been treated to an SG column about it? No! I'd even read a Red Sox column or a Tom Brady column just because it's not a basketball column. You do realize the baseball season started right?-- Danny G., Kansas City, Mo.
Danny G.--This is the exact opposite of what you should be telling him. It's awful, awful advice. You are encouraging him to do something he's very bad at in lieu of what he's good at. I would say Bill Simmons writing about baseball is more like when Liz Phair strayed from the biting, satirical tone and raw instrumental style that characterized her masterpiece "Exile in Guyville" to take on the sound of a boy-crazed female pop star. Or like when... No--one analogy is already one too many.
(Also, I think making an obscure music, film, or porn reference is a requisite/guarantee for an email to be included in a Simmons mailbag column.)
Anyway, the point of this post was to point out this paragraph:
Todd Jones, Troy Percival, Huston Street, Joe Borowski, George Sherrill and C.J. Wilson make up 40 percent of the league's closers. Would you ask any of those six guys to help you fix a flat tire, much less save a baseball game? I didn't think so.
Huston Street has compiled WHIPs of 1.01, 1.09, and 0.94 in his first three years at the ages of 21, 22, and 23 respectively. I am utterly clueless as to why he'd be included on this list. Also, George Sherrill may have been a one-year wonder, but he did put up a 0.99 WHIP and 56 Ks in 45.2 IP last year. Not too shabby.
And then this:
The AL has three monster lineups (New York, Boston and Detroit), two other very good lineups (Cleveland and Anaheim) and one lineup with a chance to become very good (Tampa Bay), as well as an inordinate amount of good hitters who seem like they're poised for a gargantuan year either because it's a contract year, they worked out all winter, they're coming back from an off-season and/or they're ready to make the proverbial leap: Manny Ramirez, Bobby Abreu, Miguel Cabrera, Grady Sizemore, Billy Butler, Delmon Young, Carl Crawford, Alex Gordon, Vernon Wells, Nick Markakis, Josh Hamilton, Robbie Cano, B.J. Upton, Justin Morneau, Howie Kendrick, Travis Hafner ... for God's sake, the list doesn't end, and if the first three guys on that list have career years, their three offenses are going to be insanely, abnormally good.
First off all, I don't think even I've ever written a sentence so long and convoluted. And I write some really long and convoluted sentences.
Second, Bobby Abreu is 34 years old. Manny Ramirez will soon turn 36. If either of them--particularly Manny--has a career year, Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams should probably write a book about him.
The moral is: The balance in the AL may lean toward offense this year. But it just shows how easily a bad analyst can exaggerate this gap by using such sound criteria as "could maybe have a career year" or "can/cannot be trusted to change a flat tire" and then lumps together a bunch of names. Don't make that same mistake, kids. Listen to your Uncle Vinnie.
Next time I'll tell you boys all about the time I got punched in the nose by Dick Pole. (Here's a hint: It had to do with his name.)
That Dropkick Murphys song rules.
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Get out of your yellow chairs and onto some treadmills to train like a pro.
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