The Beck is Back

In the words of 1990's philosopher-chef Frank Costanza, "I'm back, bay-bee!"

Not with anything of real substance, of course, but with some hastily cobbled-together thoughts on some recent sports doin's.

Item the first: Jonathan Papelbon is a bitch.

"It just takes one guy to bring an entire team down, and that's exactly what was happening," Papelbon said, according to the magazine. "Once we saw that, we weren't afraid to get rid of him. It's like cancer. That's what he was. Cancer. He had to go. It [stunk], but that was the only scenario that was going to work. That was it for us."

1. Once "we" saw that, "we" got rid of him? Really, Jon? I assume you mean that you and Theo had a quick pow-wow to decide to move Manny to LA.

2. No one better understands the opinions and attitudes of an entire baseball team than some glorified asshole who (at most) plays one half of an inning every other (or so) night.

3. I wonder what Jon Lester would think of your liberal use of cancer analogies.

4. That 'cancer' helped earn you two World Series rings and will be cancering its way into the Hall of Fame whenever it so chooses. Without him (and with a seriously debilitated David Ortiz), your offense looked mighty pedestrian.

5. "We got Jason Bay -- Johnny Ballgame, plays the game right, plays through broken knees, runs out every ground ball -- and it was like a breath of fresh air, man! Awesome! No question." I'm not sure how to say this or if it's even defensible, but...man, that's racist.

Item the second: Albert Pujols is (and loves the f out of) God.

Not sure how many of you get Sports Illustrated, but there's an article about Pujols and his reaction to being baseball's current "best hope for a clean hero," and...call me naive, but I loves me some Albert Pujols. Seriously, read that story. If you're not a Pujols fan, you'll at least respect the guy.

Also a bitch: Sidney Crosby

Crosby, in re: Alex Ovechkin's habit of going apeshit when he scores: "Some people like it, some people don't. Personally, I don't like it."

You know what? Fuck you, Sidney Crosby. And fuck you, everyone else who gets all huffy when someone (especially someone who does as many amazing things as Ovechkin) actually gets excited about what they're doing. Yeah, Sid, that's what the NHL needs - more boring, workmanlike non-personalities who go about their business with button-down, A-Rod like professionalism. That'll pack in the fans. And by the way, Crosby, come talk to me when you stop playing like Gretzky 2.0 and actually hit someone, like Ovechkin (leading the Caps in goals and hits) does every fucking night.

My point: Alex Ovechkin could kill a guy in front of me and I probably wouldn't care, because he's awesome, and I don't even follow/understand hockey.

Those who can't understand how the media didn't know about steroids during the 80s and 90s need look no further than this article from Rick Reilly

To wit: Reilly, talking about how baseball should give awards won by steroid abusers to the guys who finished second:

And here's yours from 2001, Luis Gonzalez, after you finished behind The Barry Bonds Pharmacy. We won't even mention the home run title you would've won that year.

Hmmm....

Luis Gonzalez, 2000: 31 HR
Luis Gonzalez, 2001: 57 HR
Luis Gonzalez, 2002: 28 HR

Now, I'm not insinuating that Luis Gonzalez was on steroids in 2001, but...in an era when we're not supposed to take any baseball numbers at face value, Rick Reilly wants to congratulate a guy who suddenly caps his career high in homers by 26? Really? That's the guy you want to showcase as someone who did things the 'right' way? (Also: your article is dumb anyway)

Bear in mind that in 1996 Brady Anderson (the poster boy for the "holy shit, how did everyone not realize this guy was on steroids" crowd) hit 50 homers after a previous career high of 21. But, like I said, I'm not sayin', I'm just sayin'.

Anyway, that's all I've got for now. You may all resume bitching about college hoops conference tournaments for the third year in a row.