Fourteen and OH! You suck!

>> Tuesday

(Just had--haaaad--to recycle that picture.)

Having first seen this link at Fire Joe Morgan, I guess it put the seed in my brain to FJM-ally deconstruct the quotes of the men quoted in this story.

Donny "Football," aka Coach Shula:

"The Spygate thing has diminished what they've accomplished."

It's diminished them so much that in the games since being caught--with the exception of this last one where they beat the other bestest team in football, who are also the reigning champs, in their home stadium--they've basically won every other game 38-16ish.

No wait! That's just in my fantasy brain-land! In reality, as every subsequent week, as well as the Pats tragic 1-8 record, have proven, they really fucking needed those cameras.

"You would hate to have that attached to your accomplishments. They've got it."

By my count, they have that attached to precisely one accomplishment: beating the Jets. The New York motherfucking Jets, who have since been beaten twice by William and Mary and frice (four times) by Ray's.

Ok, ok. "The Pats were also doing this when they won their championships!" But weren't a lot of their opponents putting their cheating hats on as well? Also, weren't a lot of opponents entirely hopeless in many of those games, fancy Technicolor (TM) images aside?

"I guess you got the same thing as putting an asterisk by Barry Bonds' home run record."

You're right, Mr. Shula. It is just as infantile. Because just as steroid use is rampant and generally expected in baseball today, I would venture to say that spy-like techniques--whether by cameras, moles, suicide pills, or whathaveyou--are very commonplace in today's maniacally competetive NFL.

Now, from former Dolphins tight end Jim Mandich:

"You guys put forth the myth that we are pathetic losers down here clicking champagne glasses and clinging desperately to a record set 35 years ago."

This is not a myth. Whether or not the champagne thing is an urban legend, it is well-documented, by cameras and audio and such, that members of the '72 Dolphins showed up for the 1985 Bears-Dolphins Monday night game in an attempt to exert their air of supremacy on a team nearing a 16-0 record.

"The Patriots have assembled a powerhouse of a team. They are a classy bunch of guys and play ball the right way. If they want to join the unbeaten club, come on aboard."

I believe you are probably an exception compared to your ex-mates, Mr. Mandrich, and are therefore very cool. I think most of the NFL-watching public born after things like trying to destroy an opponent's knees at every imaginable opportunity were made illegal are with you.

I'm not saying that Shula only discredits the Pats' accomplishments out of spite, nor an I saying his former players do. But it's a very strong possibility.

To them I say: Game's changed, fellas. Bigger players. Faster players. Cameras galore! The forward pass no longer considered a calculated risk!

And *gasp* most of us like it!

And no, we are not going to discount what you did 35 years ago because you were clearly awesome to the nth degree during your time. Just as Hank Aaron was. Just as Babe Ruth was. Just as Frank "Home Run" Baker was.

But we just wanna see a 16-0 team, okay? Is that such a horrible thing?


Matt 3:39 PM  

"As much as I hate that man right now, you gotta love that [hat and sweatshirt]."

Zuch 8:02 PM  

Personally, my thoughts on this situation can be summed up as follows:

A group of old assholes cheering against a group of modern assholes (or, an asshole leader and his babymaking QB).

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