Baseless predictions; nonsense reasons--Whoop-eee!!

Some first-round NBA Playoff predictions:

Eastern Conference:

Pistons vs. Magic

It's no surprise that the Pistons went in the tank this year after losing their heart and soul Ben Wallace. What? They're the one seed? Of course. Not that this is the story of the series, but Chris Weber and Grant Hill have been around so long that I have their basketball cards. And most of my basketball cards are, like, Vinnie "the Microwave" Johnson's '91 Fleer. Anyway, the Magic would have a shot if they could play on that 12-foot rim, but if the NBA didn't allow that in the dunk contest, chances are they won't now. Pistons in 5.

Heat vs. Bulls

Ben Wallace is signing on with Starbury and Steve and Barry's to make his own low-priced shoe line this year. Meanwhile, Wade the Christ is putting his smiling face on ads for expensive, unnecessary cell phones that prey on the consumer's impulse to spend beyond means. Advantage: Bulls. Also, the rest of Wade's team is fat and old while the Bulls are athletic and awesome. Bulls in 7.

Cavs vs. Wizards

I think the Wizards' starting backcourt right now is Robert Pack and Eldridge Recasner. I don't know; is Butler gonna be back now? Whatever, won't matter. The Cavs should all shoot one-handed a la Arenas to rub in this ass-kicking even more. Cavs in 4.

Raptors vs. Nets

Hey! We'll actually get to see the Raptors play! Or will ESPN/TNT preempt this series to show re-runs of Cavs-Heat games from December? Keep an eye on Raptors rookie Jorge Garbajosa, an exciting young talent and the sleaziest looking Spaniard you will ever see. Also, watch for Nets rookie and pouty teenage rebel Josh Boone. Umm, analysis: I think the Nets are deeper and have more veteran experience or something. Nets in 6.

Western Conference

Mavs vs. Warriors

I know the Warriors have been the giant killers this year, but the playoffs are a different season. How's that for masking my lack of insight behind cliche? Sahhh-wish! Monta Ellis might be the second-best player in this series, so you should catch at least one game to watch him. And oh--most importantly, I'm gonna be a Dallas resident for the next month or so, which means it's time to jump on the bandwagon. Wooo, Mavs!! Mavs in 6.

Jazz vs. Rockets

To steal the angle of the Chicago press, this series will feature a clash of former Illini star teammates Luther Head and Deron Williams. And if that suffices for analysis in the third-largest media market, then it's good enough for this blog. I'm also sort of cheering for the Rockets to win the West, if anyone cares. Nope? Ok. Rockets in 5.

Suns vs. Lakers

In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, "This is gonna be ugly... Uh, I said... Boy, am I ugly!" I'm pretty sure everyone has the same prediction for this series. Kobe puts up 50 a game, bloodies Raja Bell, watches his team get manhandled, and returns to the video game from whence he was created. I should probably also spin this into some bad joke about the Lakers getting Smushed or something. There. Just did. Suns in 4.

Spurs vs. Nuggets

Oh, right, that one series in every playoffs where everyone's all like, "Ooh, I could see this turning out unexpectedly!" and then they cop out by picking the favorite but--just to let you know they mean business--in a hard-fought seven-game series. Well nuts to that. I'm gonna be different and not give the Nuggets a shot. Plus the Spurs playing near-.900 ball before Tim Duncan went all crazy and started challenging refs to fights. Man, he's the last guy I'd expect to do that. Spurs in 5.