I started this post, then forgot about it. It was much more timely back then.

I updated some stuff to have it make sense in the current time context, but I obviously meant to finish this before Hall of Fame voting. So goes life.

Original title:

"Where Are They Now?" Brooding about the Hall of Fame in a Cincinnati-area Popeye's, perhaps

A couple months ago, SI came out with its annual "Where Are They Now?" edition, in which the magazine tracks down sports figures from the past to give a glimpse of their mundane, unglamorous, non-sports lives.

The typical "Where Are They Now?" piece shows a current picture of the athlete looking kinda the same except grayer and fatter--awkwardly posing in a way that harkens to their past life--and details how the athlete has used his competetive drive toward his current ventures as marketing director/vice president of a investment/marketing/sales firm. The athlete recollects his or her seminal moment--"Ah, yes, I remember that well; what a game"--and the reader gathers little more than a plug for J.A. Stuffypants Consultants, Inc.

Some, however are more entertaining--Carl Lewis has his "mojo back" as an actor (Material Girls starring the Duff sisters now in theaters!); Greg Norman bottles Greg Norman wine; Roger Clemens still plays baseball (I'd have never known); and Gilbert Brown is in the racecar business. (In his photo, he's posed holding a big Goodyear tire in front of his torso, which lends itself to all sorts of folksy humor, e.g. "At first glance, I thought he was a semi!" or, "If that one goes flat, he has a spare in back!" Yep, I just took that bait.)

Anyway, none of this relates to my point in writing this post—that point being the Dave Parker "Where Are They Now?" piece.

The article’s accompanying photo shows him standing in front of one of his three Cincinnati-area Popeye's chicken franchises, holding a bat and wearing an old yellow-with-black-bill Pirates hat and old pinstriped Pirates jersey. (One might think he'd try to play up his days as a Red, being in Cincinnati at all, but who am I say.) Below, there's a picture of him from the late 70s, dressed more or less the same but in a batters box, which fittingly leads the highly imaginative reader to believe that Parker hasn't changed clothes or dropped that bat in twenty-seven years.

The piece talks a bit about Parker’s family, his business ventures, and his flings with coaching, but mostly it deals with Parker's obsession with making the Hall of Fame. In the article, Parker complains that Ryne Sandberg and Gary Carter made the Hall ahead of him and blames his own exclusion, in part, to a "good ol' boys network" whom he characterizes as bigoted (a characterization implied by the SI writer, though not attributable to Parker by direct quotation).

“Parker should quit bitching. He doesn’t belong in the Hall of Fame, and even if he did, he made tons of money playing a kids game, so he should shut up and quit bitching. And quit playing the race card.”
-Generic SI reader, probably to himself

I can understand pooh-poohing Parker’s beefs, but I think he raises an excellent criticism that is often discussed but rarely corrected. Yes, there's a double standard applied to outfielders (and also probably first basemen) in HOF voting. It has to be this way. Some positions are simply more important defensively. But I think this double standard—as Parker insinuates—is applied well beyond fairness.

When Mike Piazza and Jeff Kent come to eligibility, too many sportswriters will straight-up compare their offensive numbers to guys at their position--not at all taking into account that both are below average defensively and should therefore be compared offensively to all players of their era. When someone sucks at catching as much as Mike Piazza sucks at catching, what does his position even matter? Had he or Jeff Kent been reared differently in the minor leagues, they just as well could have been stone-handed outfielders.

Which gets back to Dave Parker.

I don't mean to criticize Parker for being obsessed with making the Hall of Fame. It's perfectly understandable that someone want recognition for excelling at a craft. Mostly, I feel bad for guys like Parker. I feel bad that this marginal and shoddily-derived distinction between HOFer and non-HOFer is so emphasized that players like Parker, Bert Blyleven, and Ron Santo publicly agonize over their exclusion.

I also feel bad that retired ball players are at the mercy of horribly researched beat writers, who either A) only know their own team and immediate rivals with any thorough knowledge or B) vote based on narrow-minded, flimsily-defined criteria (e.g. “I know a Hall of Famer when I see his name” or “I had 8,000 baseball cards of this guy when I was a kid, and he hit a homer every time I saw him at old Municipal Stadium; he’s in”). Of course, the Veterans Committee supposedly exists in order to correct the oversights of the ballot process, but when they induct Bill Mazeroski, it doesn’t take a Steve Stone to know that, yes, the Veterans Committee is just a good ol’ boys network.

[Aside: Mention the name “Bill Mazeroski” and “Hall of Fame” around me, and my blood pressure leaps from its usual near-comatose 100/60 to something like 800/1,000.

Bill Mazeroski should have his induction revoked, plain and simple; I’m not joking. I hate that he’s in the Hall; I hate anyone instrumental to his election (Joe Morgan? I always just assume.); and I hate Mazeroski himself because he should have never lobbied for induction and after then being elected, should have declined the induction in a last-minute epiphany of humility…but did not.

I think I need to go further with this topic in a later post but only after I’ve cleared any risk of brain aneurism with a neurologist.]

Back to Parker. His case is a bit of a stretch given the list of deserving-guys-not-yet-in who sit ahead of him. But here…compare his offensive stats to some Hall of Famers from other positions (i.e. 2B, SS, C), and then ask yourself this simple question: Were all of those terrible offensive players that awesome on defense to make them better baseball players than Dave Parker? Could the White Sox have substituted some other schlub for Ray "Cracker" Shalk with less consequence than the Pirates and Reds replacing Dave Parker?