As Homer says. EURO 2008 gets underway June 7 with co-hosts Austria and Switzerland providing the stadiums, the chocolate, and the lederhosen. The EURO is like the World Cup, but as its name implies, just for Europe. While seemingly offering little that the World Cup doesn't offer, it can often be the more thrilling of the two competitions, and heroes and goats are made just as easily. (David Beckham at EURO 2004 comes to mind.)
Doug Collins!!! No seriously. Thoughts? Questions? Concerns?
One of the hot topics in the world of sports over the weekend was the institution of instant replay in Major League Baseball. Apparently, the accuracy-mongers who've already taken over the NFL and NBA are set on ruining baseball too. They think it's a good idea to let umpires watch replays of homerun balls and close plays at the plate to make sure they got the call "right."
This is ridiculous. The game of baseball is grounded on the principle that the right call is whatever the umpire calls, and this should never change. Maybe once in a while the ump will call the ball foul when it was actually fair. Well guess what--If you'd hit it 450 feet to straight-away center instead of hooking it down the line, you wouldn't have that problem, would you? But now because of a few crybabies, we'll have to sit through umps watching five replays of every homerun ball. What a terrible precedent! Pretty soon the umps will be watching replays of every ball and strike call from ten different angles, and every MLB game will be eight hours long.
My biggest problem with this idea is the way it robs the game of its human element. What next? Robot peanut vendors? Automated beer dispensers? Things like leaping to catch a poor peanut-bag toss from a human vendor or accidentally spilling beer on an old lady as you try to pass it down your row are the the kinds of simple joys that make baseball so endearing, and bad calls by umpires are no different. I don't know about you, but I like my peanuts thrown, my beer partially spilled, and my umps inaccurate.
Honestly, how much more can we dehumanize this game? Where does it end? And this isn't just about baseball. The obsession with accuracy has become so pervasive in all walks of life. For example, I work in the construction industry, and you wouldn't believe how obsessed people are with being accurate. God forbid anyone should let a construction crew dig up a trench without sending out a crew with metal detectors to make sure every little pipeline is located to the inch. It used to just be that you'd get an old, yellowed map with a some lines drawn in a felt-tipped marker, and you'd cross your fingers and start digging. If you put a backhoe through a six-foot gas main, you just had to deal with it.
And look at our medical industry. CT scans? Are you kidding me? You're telling me our family physician Dr. Goodman, who's been practicing family medicine for thirty years, can't tell a deadly brain tumor from a sinus headache? Let the man do his job without second guessing his every call. If a doctor can't make the right diagnosis, he'll lose his practice, and someone else will come along to take his place. And now when you get a perscription, it's all typed out and stored in some huge database somewhere. It used to be that if you got 800mg of lithium instead of 80, you'd just feel extra happy for a few days. The whole fun in getting a perscription filled used to be watching the pharmacist struggling to make out the doctor's handwriting. "With handwriting that messy, you should've been a doctor!" For decades, that was one of America's great running jokes. Now? It's all databases and PDA's and Blackberry's.
You know what else I hate? DNA evidence. It needs to be banned from murder trials. It takes away the whole human element of innocent people being sentenced to death. While we're on the subject, let's get rid of the whole appellate court system. Lawyers--who needs 'em, am I right? That's why we have trials in the first place--to figure out if the guy is guilty. What's the point of doing the whole thing over? So maybe one or two people get wrongly convicted. Tough noogies! It's criminal justice, not ballroom dancing.
That'll be the next thing--a major league team challenging a call in a U.S. appellate court using DNA evidence. This has gotten out of control and needs to stop. Everything that changed about baseball up until the time I was about ten years old was perfect, and they should've just left it like that permanently. All they've done since then is ruin the game, and I don't like it.
My last post got me thinking of all the things blamed for a Cubs loss other than the players on the field. Here's what I could come up with.
No doubt this is a running list and will have new reasons added as time goes on, or I am reminded of ones I forgot.
"Carlos Quentin hit a pair of home runs Sunday night, including the game-winner to lead off the bottom of the ninth inning, as the White Sox avoided a sweep and
finished a short homestand by winning four of six games. Quentin's second shot gave the Sox a 3-2 victory over the Angels in a game that took only 2 hours 5 minutes and made them winners for the ninth time in 11 games."
"Earth to Alfonso Soriano, come in please. Earth to Soriano...Earth to Soriano...report in please. About the only thing that didn't happen to the Cubs over the weekend at PNC Park was an alien abduction, and the persistent misadventures of Soriano left you wondering if the sun was the only thing in his eyes. Perhaps Soriano was distracted by a beam from a hovering spacecraft, which messed with his internal wiring, at the very least. Maybe he was switched with a clone, although he did look like his old self for one moment in Sunday's 6-5, 11 inning loss to the Pittsburgh Pirates."
Mark Grace on Fox Saturday Baseball talking about Randy Johnson's new pitch-to-contact approach:
"He's not your father's Big Unit."
Yikes.
who was one of the most highly recruited players in the Muncie area when he played in the Indiana Juniors 13-and-under League as a 5'7" power forward. He has since grown to 5'9" and now plays guard, but he has retained those big-man instincts and low center of gravity. He's also a coach's son, having played for his father on the Ward 6 Mad Ballers in the Muncie Park District League back in 2000, so you know he has a high basketball IQ. Tyler would have been one of the top recruits in the country this year, but he flew under the recruiting radar after taking the last four years off to focus on his academics. We are very excited about Tyler's future with Indiana basketball.
Congo named Jacques Massamba-Mvouba whom we are very excited about. Jacques is a very gifted athlete with limitless potential who is just beginning to learn the game. When we first met Jacques sixteen days ago and rolled out a basketball for him, he sliced it in half with a machete and threw it in a boiling pot. He's really come a long way since then, and once we break him of a few bad habits--like kicking the ball and heading the ball--we think he will be an excellent player on the collegiate level and maybe beyond.
the 1980 Eau Claire Prep team that went to the Wisconsin state quarterfinals. At the time, Walt was being recruited heavily by several programs, including University of Wisconsin Steven's Point, St. Cloud State, and Benedictine University, but he opted for military service instead. He has maintained his collegiate eligibility and stayed in such great basketball shape since then that you would never even guess he's 47 years old. Walt comes from a great family background--both of his parents are heavily involved in their church and also their retirement community--and we would be very proud to have Walt become a part of this program.
College named Chris Lee, a 6'1" guard who originally hails from Modesto, California. Lee has had some trouble with the law in the past, but he has really righted the ship in the last year, having passed nearly all of his classes and avoiding arrest for over five months now. He has also blossomed into a excellent basketball player, averaging 9.3 points per game for Santa Rosa last season. I've always been a big believer in second chances, and I really believe Chris would be an incredible addition to our program.Former (and according to that link, current) Packers WR Bill Schroeder retired. And I don't mean in like 2001, when he may have been relevant. I mean, like, today, apparently.
You'll remember Schroeder for being terrible and for that one time when Mike Holmgren grabbed him by his facemask and yelled at him like crazy because he kept fumbling. That was awesome.
As upset as I was when Mike D'Antoni first signed on as the Knicks' coach, I, like most Bulls fans, am all the more pissed ever since the Bulls' ping pong balls proved to be this year's version of the '07 Blazers' ping pong balls.
D'Antoni made his panting lust for Derrick Rose well-known prior to the lottery, and it would have been a near certainty that the Bulls would be drafting him next month if D'Antoni were coach. Now--despite Rose's hometown ties and the PR bonanza said ties would reap--I'm not so certain that John Paxson will draft him. As we all know, some GMs--though I'm admittedly not sure where the Pax-man stands on this issue--explicitly avoid bringing in guys who will be playing in their hometown. Plus, Lord Paxington has taken a lot of heat in the past few seasons for not acquiring a good low-post scorer, hence some pressure to take Beasley.
My own worries aside, it's of course D'Antoni who should be--and no doubt is--upset right now, and if it were possible, he might be considering a retroactive "just kidding!" on his contract. Instead of coaching Rose and big men like Joakim Noah and Tyrus Thomas who can run the floor, he's stuck with Jamal Crawford, Eddie Curry, and Snack-Attack Zach, one of the most stationary and team offense-killing big men in the game (the D'Anti-Christ?).
People who believe that the last five years in Phoenix proved D'Antoni's system to be flawed may certainly have a point. Whether it's the case that the type of players needed to run the system properly aren't equipped to win a playoff series against a super-elite team or that the type of players needed to beat super-elite teams can't fit the system or neither, the results never fully panned out for him in the past. But as a spectator in the Bulls' media market, I lament never having the chance to see him try with Rose at the point, even if it failed over and again. Even when Phoenix was losing the last few years, it always looked like it was working, and most importantly, it was purty.
Championships are fun, as all us Chicagolandians got to find out last decade, but they also got sorta old after a while. Maybe Rose (if the Bulls draft him) can score "us" some more. But for me, crazy up-and-down, free-flowing, high-scoring basketball has never gotten old, and unfortunately, it might be a long time until D'Antoni can make it work with the Knicks, if he ever can.
Current espn.com featured comment, courtesy of user Mark535042, regarding the Cleveland Browns' offseason acquisitions:
"They're going to need at least 12 wins to make the playoffs in that division."
That's a pretty bold statement from Mr. 535042, considering how rare it is for an 11-win team to miss the playoffs in the NFL. I wonder if he realizes that hasn't happened since the Faketown Invisibles finished last in the Bizzaro Football League with a record of 11-0.8 back in 1950NEVER.
Let's see... 535042. On a rotary phone, that would spell "kelzib," or German for "dickhead." So let me be the first to say: good call, dickhead.
Thats right, fuck all this Derrick Rose nonsense...this is the real gem of the draft!!! Don't blow it Pax!
Pater Noster, qui es in ping-pong balls, sanctificetur nomen tuum. Adveniat regnum tuum. Fiat voluntas Stern, sicut in caelo et in United Center. Derrick Rose nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie, et dimitte nobis debita nostra sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus Tyson Chandler-for-P.J. Brown. Et ne nos inducas in 2009 NBA Draft Lottery, sed libera nos a John Paxson.
Amen.
We've been known to be a bit "edgy" on this blog in the past, but I know one thing: None of us would ever be so callous as to make fun of a cancer survivor sharing his thoughts on a remarkable accomplishment by a fellow cancer survivor.
...Until today. Unfortunatey, I cannot 100% confirm this quote to be verbatim because I'm going off memory, but I assure you the meaning is accurate. John Kruk, last night on BBTN had this to say about the significance of Jon Lester's no-hitter:
"There are people out there with cancer who now believe they'll beat the illness because of what Jon Lester did tonight."
[Monday night, cancer ward, Massachusettes General Hospital]
TV announcer: ...the two-strike pitch to Collaspo... He did it! A no-hitter for Jon Lester!
Doctor: How about that? A no-hitter.
Patient: [elated] You know what this means doc?!
Doctor: The Sox picked up a game on the Rays?
Patient: No, I'm cured!!!!!
Doctor: Cured?
Patient: Cured!
Doctor: Remember this afternoon when I said you'll need at least ten more years of treatment, and even then you'll be lucky to live past 50?
Patient: But Jon Lester threw a no-hitter! And he had cancer! I'm cured!!!! [leaps out of bed, pirouettes, sprints into the hallway, starts randomly high-fiving nurses, unplugging medical equipment, and guzzling Dixie cups of pills]
Doctor: No... You're not! And you just took a half-dozen diuretics!
Patient: ...Cured cured cured cured...!
Doctor: Nurse--Could you bring a few extra sets of sheets to 306? This lunatic's gonna be pissing the bed all night...
1.) Special Olympic stud Oscar Pistorius won the right to compete in Bejing this summer with his super duper carbon fiber "Cheetahs." Let me be the first to congratulate that tool arbitrator who destroyed even playing fields.
2.) That said, rumors have been swirling about the Cubs forgoing the July trading deadline and thus deciding to cut off Kerry Wood's arm and replace it with a super bionic launch pad that will throw 325 mph.
3.) The Pittsburgh Pirates are 21-23. But are 20-15 against teams not named the Cubs. Further proof the National League just sucks
4.) It took the Yoster 2 months to remove the Gag-ne as his teams closer...proof that the Brewers are, well the Brewers.
5.) How long till the Cubs realize that they are, well the Cubs?
6.) Times are tough... especially for Purdue safety Torii Williams who was busted for using his five-finger discount on what else....condoms. Seriously?
7.) More people should dress like Don Cherry, he obviously knows something we don't.
8.) Over-Under # of games the Pistons get royally screwed: 4
9) What happened to real basketball? I mean, whats with all this pyrotechnic crap with some semi-retarded jackass screaming the starting lineups? And what happened to players actually warming up? Where's the "Three Man Weave," the fundamentally sound layups, calisthenics? Lets get back to the basics people!
10.) Tony Kornheiser is being forced out of his position with the Washington Post...so we can read more nonsense by writers such a Jason Whitlock and Jay Mariotti. Tony, you transcended sports journalism and have the utmost respect by everyone who writes for this Blog.
Or cliched hyperbole-style:
I just wanted to give a quick apology for our absence the last few days. I was off in scenic Davenport, Iowa on business earlier this week; Paul and Mike had med school and law school finals; and I'm sure everyone else had some good excuse too.
Hopefully I'll be back later today with one of my half-assed nonsense Friday lunch-break posts. 'Til then!
ESPN Bottomline: "An Olympic spokesperson says that none of the 31 venues for the 2008 Summer Olympics were damaged in the 7.9 Earthquake that killed 9,000."
Good to see we've got things in perspective here.
I was over at the Chicago Tribune web-site this morning, and I decided to navigate the link to my second-favorite internet web-log, Hawk and DJ's baseball blog to see what fine insights these baseball veterans of a combined 21 years playing experience have offered in recent days.
Unfortunately, all I saw on the front page were videos of game highlights and Stats Inc. factoids and series previews. In fact, I had to go all the way back to April 9 to find the most recent Hawk post and March 15 for the latest DJ piece, which was his first since a blurb about a Jon Garland hot streak last June 4.
Fortunately for those of us who sorely miss Hawk and DJ's cutting analysis, I think I can fill in. I've watched enough White Sox games over the last several years to know how they would size up the recent doings of the Sox if they had the time to post. So first, let's hear from Hawk...
Different game
It's a shame the way the umpires have taken over the game. Ten, twenty, thirty years ago, you'd never see that. Guys just can't throw inside anymore. I've never seen as many exploding bats as I have in the last five years. Guys used to prefer ash bats, but more guys are going to maple. There was a pitcher I played with in Kansas City by the name of John O'Donoghue who we liked to call "Odelayheehoo" for short. We were playing Cleveland one time, and Rocky Colavito tagged Odie for a homerun in the first inning. Rocky was sort of a hot dog, and he started walking toward first when the ball left the bat, and Johnny-O didn't take too kindly to it. You never saw that sort of thing forty, fifty, sixty years ago. He said, "The next time he comes up, I'm gonna knock him on his backside before he even gets to the dish." Of course, he didn't use the word "backside." So as Colavito was leaving the on-deck circle next time up, O-dog pelted him right in the kisser. And that was before they made guys wear helmets. You don't see that anymore. You see a lot more maple bats today because they have a little more pop in them. I always preferred a good piece of ash. The umpires have to remember that the fans come out to see the players perform, not the umpires. Most of the umpires are very good, but some of them aren't as good. Just like there are good and bad ballplayers, there are good and bad umpires. You just want them to call balls and strikes the same for both sides.Stretch! Stretch! Stretch!... Mercy! Dadgummit...
Positive signs
I completely agree, Hawk. After a rough patch, Juan Uribe seems to be finding his rhythm. We all know that when Juan gets into a groove, he's one of the most dangerous hitters in the American League. He reminds me a lot of a guy I used to play against on the San Francisco Giants named Jose Uribe because they both used to play shortstop and have the last name Uribe. The young starting pitchers show no signs of slowing down, and you know Mark Buehrle will get back to pitching like the Cy Young-caliber ace we know he is. Jose Contreras looks fully healthy again, and I think he could have a career year. And we all know what the "Silent Assassin" Javy Vazquez can do. Kenny Williams has made some excellent moves, and Ozzie has these guys energized and playing hard. I think the Sox are hitting their stride, and I really think they will get in a groove. Kenny Williams has put together a great team, and you know this team will find its rhythm and be in the mix come September.
He doesn't really attribute it to anything other than using an excessive amount of "blue-collar" adjectives to describe their play. I suppose it's easy given their Village People-esque badge. Greg is right on one thing Columbus certainly is the early-season success story of MLS. For years, a trip to Crew Stadium meant a pretty good chance of coming out with a result. (16-19-11 over the last three years at home)
In addition to improving in the standings, their supporters' section is growing. Things are looking up in Cowtown. Lalas attributes most of the positive change to a change in mentality (from a Coach who had been at the helm for two years already), to players who have been playing together for a while (but only two years), and of course to their Lunchpail, Hardhat, gung-ho attitude.
How do you make up for insulting a sports fanbase and its favorite star player? Easy--You cause a public menace by offering 23-cent pizzas to residents near-ish the city where that star player plays.
"It's a recession-busting offer, and we certainly hope we have made it up to Cleveland," Tim North, vice president of the company's northeast division, told WEWS-TV.
I may not be Steven Levitt's financial advisor, but I'm not sure how (essentially) giving away a product that required human labor to create is "recession-busting"--especially given that Papa John's also gave $10,000 to the so-called "Cavaliers Youth Fund" (read: PR platform for Cavs players with a 2.6% organizational efficiency).
"We're certainly a bit surprised about how darn popular this is," North told The (Cleveland) Plain Dealer.
Translation: "Our customers are even trashier than I realized."
"I did it for the principle of it. The principle of it is he's not a crybaby and Papa John's should not have gotten into it," Jennie Moore, 54, of University Heights, said as she waited for a pepperoni pizza.
The principle of it. That's why you waited for hours with hoards of other scuzzy freeloaders to score a low-grade pepperoni pizza. The principle of showing Papa John's management that they should not have called LeBron James a "crybaby." You are a noble woman of great conviction. Clearly, your 54 years on this earth have shaped your social conscience in a profound way.
Randall Hunter, 50, from Cleveland Heights, spent most of his four-hour split between bus driving shifts waiting for his pepperoni pizza. He defended James and what he said were flagrant fouls he received in the Washington series.
So... you waited almost four hours--the entirity of your break, mind you--to get a pizza... a pizza that you will now have to A) scarf down in a short amount of time before having to cramp yourself behind the wheel of a bus for the next several hours or B) bring the pizza on the bus and, at best, watch it get cold or eaten by passengers and, at worst, lose your job for unprofessional conduct.
I'll resist the urge to say, "I think I know why you drive a bus for a living." Oh shit... just did. Well, I'm sure Cleveland Heights is a lovely place. *chortle chortle*
Patrick Mone, dressed in a blue James "Witness" T-shirt, was willing to wait as long as necessary for the bargain.
Wouldn't it be funny if he waited so long he died? No? Ok, fine.
"It's worth it," he said. "All the money is going to charity, and obviously, it's bringing new business to Papa John's. Even though there is a line, I think it's pretty cool. ... Twenty-three cents, you can't beat it."
a) It's not worth it, by any objective or subjective measure (as determined by me).
b) Pat yourself on the back, Pat. You're donating $0.23 to charity, or 0.0000002% (no joke) of the 2005 FY revenue of Doctors Without Borders.
c) Why do you care about the financial success of the Papa John's corporation?
"As I got closer, I was like, 'Oh, boy. This is going to be nuts,'" he said.
"This"="I"; "is going to be"="am"; "nuts"="a stupid cunt"
Alright, so maybe I'm a colossal hypocrite (I think you already knew that anyway), but I thought an immature audience like ours would be entertained by this quote from Toby Hall, which came amidst a sprawling explanation for his idea that White Sox players dye their facial hair pink for Mother's Day (...Keep in mind why words are put in brackets in press quotes):
"Everybody coming out and appreciating moms and [recognizing] breast [cancer] awareness," Hall said. "It's a good day."
Ok, I guess it was funnier when I heard it on the WGN News segment last night (which has been cut down to only include Nick Swisher's sound bite on the WGN website). But admit it--You all laughed. ...Bunch of toddlers.
I haven't been keeping very good track of sports lately, and I've spent even less time watching ESPN than I'd like. However, I put on the TV for a few minutes tonight to catch some Baseball Tonight on the original ESPN and other highlights on ESPN-News during the commercials.
And I was totally annoyed within five minutes.
Honestly, I do not exaggerate. Within five minutes, these ESPN networks referenced four -- yes, four -- Elias Sports Bureau-like stats. Moreover, they tried to interpret these stats with comments like, "Well, look at the company that Cliff Lee is in."
Here are the stats that were so important to mention and so noteworthy as to further interpret:
1. The Yankees-Indians game was the first time that two 5-0 pitchers playing for sub-.500 teams matched up. Who cares?
2. Joey Votto was only the 4th first baseman of all time to hit 3 HR's in a single game while under the age of 26. Moreover, he was the only first baseman to accomplish that feat while also stealing a base in the game. Of course, the commentators made a big deal out of it because only Pujols, McCovey, and Frank Robinson had done it too. Obviously, Joey Votto is headed toward the Hall of Fame. Indisputable.
3. Cliff Lee is one of only a handful of pitchers in X number of years to start the season 6-0 and with a sub-1.00 ERA. Again, big deal. Some guys have started seasons well in the past. However, these "some guys" included Randy Johnson, Roger Clemens, and Pedro Martinez. Now all of the sudden, Cliff Lee is the ace of the next decade (which he actually may be, I don't know).
4. Finally, tonight somebody had 5 hits in a game including a walk-off game winner. Did you know only 4 players have accomplished that feat in the past two seasons? Really, I'm not kidding! Fortunately, the elite company in this category included Mark DeRosa, so nobody spent a whole lot of time talking about how great these players were. Nonetheless, this stat, with the others, was just totally annoying.
By the way, if you hadn't heard, I'm the first resident of my apartment under the age of 27 to ever have stayed up until 3 AM and then practiced with a rock'n'roll band the following day. I'm serious... no one else has done it. That feat puts me in some pretty elite company, eh?
Okay, maybe this joke would be overplayed. However, I am indeed a simple mind that would be easily entertained, and besides this site would be awesome. Also, his scouting report comes straight from the profile of players that Jerry Krause drafted.
So....Good luck with that Israel-Palestine 2018... It's got about as good a chance of working out as your more pressing issues.
Oh man... I wait all year for this. Most people don't know this about me, but I'm a huge fan of thoroughbred racing. I love the ponies. Can't get enough of them. Got the OTB in MyFaves and MyCircle.
The Kentucky Derby... the tradition... the pageantry... the majesty...
That Bob Costas really knows to paint a picture with words. Wow. What a man. Hey--did you all catch Hef and his ladies on the red carpet? Man, what a "stud" that guy is. (Horse racing joke there.) Two young "phillies" on the arm of an 82 year-old. What a country!
We're here with trainer Richard Dutrow Jr....
Wow, look at all those big hats! And everyone's drinking mint juleps. As big a racing fan as I am, I don't think I've ever had one, but they sound sorta gross. I wonder if they serve Mike's Hard Lemonade there. I know that's what I'd be getting. The only thing minty I'll ever drink is Schnapps or mouthwash.
...Legendary jockey Kent Desormeaux...
Wait... when does this thing actually start? I thought it was 4:00. They must've changed the time on me. They said the track is fast this year. Maybe we'll see a record today. Oh, Vince McMahon is at the race, too. I wonder who his money's on. Definitely a guy who knows a good stable. (That's a wrestling joke.)
The horses are beginning to walk out...
Wow, this is really taking forever. Oh, I wonder how the Cubs are doing doing.... oh good, still up. Alright back to the Derby.
TNT... We know drama.
Crap. Hit the wrong channel. Nice! Varsity Blues. Man, that Coach Kilmer is such an ass. Oh yeah, this is the part where Moxon calls the audible, and they score so Coach gets all pissed. Great scene. Ok... Derby time.
There's a 25 mile-per-hour wind that will be blowing against the horses as they come down the stretch...
Hmm. Maybe we won't see that record. When is it gonna be post time already? Nice... Cubs are up 9-3 now. They must have come ready to play today. Did you see Sweet Lou blow his top the other day? Wow, that was something. Ok, back to the Derby.
I mean... I love my broker. I've known him for years...
These "Talk to Chuck" commercials--you know, these ones with the real people talking but they sort of look like cartoons--they freak me out. Hey, I wonder if Varsity Blues is still on.
I'm gonna go find someone who can sell us some weed...
Oh, nice! Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle! Love this movie! This is the part where they're at Princeton and they meet those two hot twins. Haha, and now the security guard just busted them for smoking up in the dorm. Oh, and this is the part where Neil Patrick Harris steals their car! This movie rules. Hahaha.... They got the escaped cheetah high! Man, that would be so awesome to get an animal high, like a dog or a horse--Oh my god, the Derby!
We're here with Kent Desormeaux in the winner's circle...
Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!
...And of course, tragedy today, as Eight Belles had to be euthanized...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I loved that horse!!! Oh well... back to Harold and Kumar. Sweet! This is where they hang glide off that cliff. I should go buy a hang glider. That seems like a fun hobby. I should buy some weed, too. Oh shit, phone's ringing... gotta go. Later.
There's this relief pitcher currently pitching for a major league team. For now, let's call him... "Woody Kerr." Through 13 appearance's here's "Woody's" stat line:
14.0 IP, 10 H, 3 BB, 13 K
I think most people would look at that and say, "Hey, that's a pretty good start." I'd like that guy in my bullpen."
However, due to some unfortunate timing, this pitcher has allowed those ten hits and three walks in such a sequence that they have allowed other teams to make up a three-run-or-less(-unless-there's-more-than-one-man-on-base-in-which-case-it-can-be-a-four-or-five-run)-in-the-seventh-inning-or-later deficit on three occasions.
How should one interpret these circumstances? Well, there's a few ways to look at it. Either A) the pitcher has run into some bad luck; B) he doesn't pitch as well from the stretch and is susceptible to "the wheels coming off" once he allows a baserunner; C) it's too early to make a judgment; or D) he's a no-good, cocksucking, ass-grabbing choke artist piece of shit.
Anyone wanna take a wild guess which interpretation Jay Mariotti subscribes to?
Truth be known, if Kerry Wood simply had done his job Thursday, Lou Piniella wouldn't be melting down on YouTube again and Alfonso Soriano wouldn't be called a $136-million wallflower. A closer's lapses tend to bring a team's ills to life, and given another shot to prove he's a reliable finisher, Wood instead hit the first batter and allowed two warning-track lasers that weren't caught.
Boom. Right there. He was hurt yesterday by some poor defense (which in this case, still counted against his hit and earned run totals). You could argue that Wood was still giving up solid contact and can't always expect his defense to bail him out. Or you could say that it wasn't totally Wood's fault.
Yes, Kerry Wood has plunked three guys so far, which ups his baserunner total to 16 in 14 innings. Again--not bad at all. If he were putting up numbers like Franciso Liriano's right now, I'd be concerned. But he's not.
I realize Cubdom is rooting for him more than a late-innings beer vendor. I understand he's an inspirational presence, having survived 11 disabled-list trips and coming within a day of retiring last year. There would be no better sight at Wrigley than watching Wood close out the World Series, the personification of 21st-century Cubbie woe bringing home the unthinkable dream.
This doesn't really have to do with any argument I may or may not be making, but I will defend Kerry Wood until my dying day. ("Kerry Wood was great, I tell ya." "Grandpa! No one cares about your dinosaur baseball players from the 1900s! We're gonna go watch the Speed Stacking Championship now, ok? That's a real sport." "Achh. No-nothing punks.")
Maybe he was a little stubborn about changing his delivery to avert injury in his younger days, but if I had his OBA and K/9IP rate, my ulna would have to be protruding my skin before I'd change my approach.
But those 11 trips to the DL later, Wood keeps doing everything he needs to continue doing something he loves. He's changed his motion, taken a huge drop in salary, gotten in shape, changed his diet, and accepted relief duty without complaining--all while the Chicago media has dragged him through the mud for getting hurt too much (as if he were trying to) and being paid too much for not pitching.
But the former Kid K has become Kid BS, as in blown save
I used to be known around my office as "Boy-Genius Wunderkind," but then the other day, I misspelled "chlorofluorohydrocarbons" in an email, and now everyone just calls me "Dumbfuck-Face." So I know the feeling.
botching his third of seven opportunities in a ghastly 4-3 loss to the Brewers. His latest collapse -- three hits, a walk, a plunked batter, three earned runs and a wickedly sour taste -- was a mirror image of his Opening Day flop against the same division rivals. The differences between Wood and other big-league closers are many, including the fact he's a neophyte in the role and seems capable of an injury breakdown on any pitch.
Through Eric Gagne's first three years in the majors, he had exactly ten relief appearances and zero saves before rattling off the three straight years of sub-1.00 WHIP, 12+ K/9IP, and--if dumb stats are your thing--45+ saves.
Jose Mesa went into 1999 with 105 saves and a ton of career relief appearances and proceeded to put up a 1.81 WHIP and 6 Ks/9IP.
Oh yeah... Closer experience is super important. (And yes, that's super cherry-picked anecdotal evidence, but give me a break. It's a Friday lunch break post.)
The major difference, though, is that a better man for the position works in the same bullpen.
Carlos Marmol is his name.
[skip skip skip]
It was [Marmol's] eighth held lead in a season in which he has a 1.42 ERA and two saves. In 19 innings, Marmol has struck out 27 -- I repeat, 27 -- and walked five.
Of course, anyone who knows anything about baseball (particularly people who know a great deal about baseball) realize that this is excellent bullpen management. Marmol--the best pitcher in the Cubs' bullpen since early last season and the pitcher most likely to get a strikeout--is being used in the highest leverage situations. If that happens to be a save situation, whatever--it doesn't really matter.
If you're going to designate a certain guy as "the closer" (i.e. a guy that comes in with the bases empty to start the ninth with a lead), it should not be the best reliever on the roster if this is the primary situation for which you intend to use him. That guy should ostensibly be your second- or third-best reliever (which Kerry is on the Cubs, I'd say), and your best guy should be used in the highest-leverage situations--save situation or not.
But the Cubs insist they'll keep knocking on Wood, force-feeding a fairy tale that lacks hope at the moment.
Dumb pun that doesn't really make sense--check. Poor judgment--check. Unsubstantiated speculation--check check double check.
Think the newly bald Carlos Zambrano, who lost a shot at his fifth win as he tries to challenge Arizona's Brandon Webb in the early Cy Young Award race, isn't smarting today?
Some other discussion topics equally relevant as Cy Young voting on May 2:
-Christmas shopping
-The price of firewood
-John Madden
-back-to-school sales
-Jack-o-lanterns
-Sledding
-Mittens
Why do the Brewers trail the Cubs by only a game in the National League Central? Why has Milwaukee taken four of six in the season series? I'd suggest that Eric Gagne, after a ragged start, now has nine saves for the Brew Crew.
That might be the dumbest suggestion since Jerry suggested Babu close down the Dream Cafe and reopen it as a Pakistani restaurant. (Actually, the more you think about it, that was a pretty good idea. Business was floundering anyway, and he had no market differentiation. Maybe people just weren't as willing to embrace exotic cuisine in 1992 as they are now. In hindsight, it didn't work out, but that was no reason for Babu to be such a prick about it.)
As it is, Piniella already is knocking over Gatorade jugs in the dugout, signaling that frustration is now a factor in Year 100 since the last World Series championship. Waiting on Wood to perfect the role, when he never should have been given the opportunity, is officially the No. 1 cause of stress in Cubdom.
This is simply idiotic. What says he shouldn't have? John Smoltz was immediately excellent after switching from starter to ninth inning guy. So was Gagne. So was Tom Gordon. So was Dennis Eckersley. And Goose Gossage. And probably a bunch of other guys that don't immediately come to mind.
We're talking about 16 baserunners in 14 IP. Before yesterday--Wood's first really bad outing--that was 11 in 13. Yes, he's only 4 for 7 in saves, but saves are stupid and arbitrary, and it wouldn't surprise me to see Wood go 15 for his next 15. Nor would it surprise me to see him blow three more in his next seven opportunities.
So in conclusion... I don't know. Whatever. It's 14 innings of work. It's a couple blown leads. Chill out.
(Oh, and if you hadn't already guessed it, "Woody Kerr" is actually.... wait for it... Kerry Wood!)
Tom Crean would be off to a roaring start so far in his new homes, with afew examples below here:
The one big man with an iota of talent on Indiana's roster announced he's transferring and did not seem very happy with how things went down (Must have heard how Crean likes to utilize his big men).
One of the top underclassmen in the state of Indiana, Dominique Ferguson, has just committed to Kentucky.
Finally, along with the one scholarship already lost so far due to Kelvin Sampson's improper phone calls, the Hoosiers poor academic progress report could lead to another two scholarships losses. Also, Indiana has still yet to hear about their final punishment for Mr. Sampson's actions. All in all, it would be an even worse time than normal to be in Bloomington, Indiana.
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