Brilliant promotional idea for the White Sox

I've already lent my genius consulting services to the Brewers. Hopefully, it caught the eye of the White Sox people too because I just came up with a brilliant idea for them. That's what we do here at Vinnie's Brilliant Ideas, Inc., and it's a fool-proof business model. We pay me to think; I churn out brilliant ideas, which is a matter of habit for me. Just another day at the ofice.

So what's this latest great idea from the Vinnie's pipeline? Simple--Invite a special guest to sing the seventh inning stretch during the Cubs-Sox series at the Cell this year. Who, you ask? Why none other than P.R. Chief in Chief, Barack Obama.

The reasons to stage this promotion are multifold and obvious. 1) As we all know, Barry's a huge Sox fan, and since being innaugurated, he's already shown up once at the Cell--to throw out the first pitch on opening day this year. 2) He should have the time, now that he's finished flubbing the big decisions on the economy. 3) It would piss off Cubs fans who feel that they own the celebrity-performed (and occasionally sortafamousperson-performed) seventh inning stretch tradition. 4) We'd get to hear Barry sing! 5) It would settle the current mess in Iran... at least in some alternate reality construed by the lefties in the mainstream media.

Now, some Sox fans might object and be all like, "No! That's something gay the Cubs do, and they're fags who suck! We don't wanna suck like them!" But of course--as seasoned Chicago baseball fans know--the singing of the seventh inning stretch began as a White Sox tradition.

It would be great. They could even have the Motivational Speaker in Chief join Hawk and Stone Pony in the booth to call a few innings and try to catch foul balls with Harry's old fish net. Harrelson-Stone-Obama: What a dream team! My palms are sweating just thinking about it. (Oh wait--that's just because I've my hands in my crotch for the last hour. But still!)

I think the Sox need to act fast on this idea, though, and do it during this year's series before rising unemployment gives rise to civil unrest and ultimately a violent coup, at which point Obama will be just another refugee seeking asylum from the Limbaugh Liberation Militia. In the meantime, though, it'll be fun at the ol' ballpark, Obama-style.

So what do you say, Chairman Reinsdorf? Is it a go? Hell yeah, it's a go! No, thank you, Chairman Reinsdorf. You can send my check to:

Accounts Receivable

Vinnie's Brilliant Ideas, Inc.

1010 Awesome St., Suite Idea

Badass, IL 60606-$$$$

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There is no such thing.

Link headline on my iGoogle page:

Campillo tosses no-no through four as Braves win

I can sympathize with Mr. Campillo--It's tough to come so close and fall short like that. Last night I had a chance to bowl a 300 but blew it when I got a 4 in the second frame. And this morning in the shower, I almost set the world-record for holding my breath (17 min., 4.4 sec.) but lost my bid after 21.8 seconds when I decided I needed air. On the bright side, I'll be featured in a piece for the upcoming issue of Nondescript Post-War-Era American Suburb Gazette.

For real though, I think "no-no through four" tops "triple short of the cycle" and "halfway to DiMaggio's record" in the Premature Accolades for Semi-Fluky Achievment department. Had Hawk Harrelson been calling this game, he'd have no doubt pulled out his tongue-in-cheek, "You can cancel the postgame show" line (before noting that a bad call by the ump three pitches earlier tilted the count against Javy Vazquez, and that's why he gave up the hit).

No-no through four? No. No-no. No-no-no. No-no-no-no-no. (Etc.)

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Pro-bunting propoganda, starring A.J. Pierzynski, Hawk Harrelson, and the honorable Richard M. Daley

I just saw this commercial for the first time last night, but it wasn't uploaded to Youtube until today--apparently by "Da Mare" himself. And befitting of Mayor Daley, embedding the video is forbidden, no doubt in the interest of some wide-scale corruption going on in City Hall.

By the way, if this ad campaign confuses you, watch the related videos that feature the other commercials in this series. (You'll still be confused.)




And just for kicks, enjoy this one starring Carlton Fisk and Richard Dotson from 1984:

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In the words of the man himself, "That is BS!"

A few minutes ago, the colorful, legendary voice of the Chicago White Sox, Ken "the Hawk" Harrelson made--in my estimation--a somewhat dubious claim.

He and partner Darrin "D.J." Jackson were discussing the incredible out-of-the-box speed of Royals outfielder Joey Gathright. According to Jackson, Gathright has been clocked at 3.3 seconds to first on a bunt and 3.6 swinging. Pretty fast, huh?

Not to be left out, however, Hawk, as is his trademark, invoked the exploits of a player from his day--just to make sure none of the viewers would get the crazy idea that players today might be as good, or better, than those of yesteryear.

According to the Hawkmeister, the great Mickey Mantle was clocked at "three seconds flat" out of the left-handed batter's box. That's right--3.0 seconds. That is, 0.3 seconds, or 9% faster than one of the speediest players in the game today.

Consider: That corresponds to a rate of 10 yds/sec (ok, maybe 9.8 when you subtract the distance between home plate and the lefty batter's box). Now let me ask you this: How many times have you heard of an NFL player running a 4.0-40? Though, when you think about it, a 3.0-30 would actually correspond to a 40 time below 4.0 since the last ten yards are run at a higher velocity than the acceleration distance shared by both a 30-yard and 40-yard sprint.

Am I finished? Oh no.

The 100-meter world record in 1956--about the same time as Mantle's prime--was 10.1 seconds. Today, it's 9.72 because--get this--people are faster.

Let's pile on some more. What, if you had to guess, was the error tolerance on a mid-20th century stopwatch? A hundreth of a second? A tenth? Note that the 100-meter records weren't measured to the second decimal place until at least 1961. And I really doubt that whatever bench coach or scout recorded this alleged 3.0 home-to-first did not possess the cutting edge stopwatch technology that was used in the Olympics.

(Still going.) The depth of scouting--and therefore the accuracy of scouting--in Mantle's time was not nearly what it is today. I'd fancy that a Yankees coach with poor reaction time could have "timed" Mantle by counting to three on his fingers like the owl in the Tootsie Roll Pop commercial with very few, if any, checks by opposing scouts.

Also...

No... No, I think I've finally had enough. This was totally not worth the effort.

(Also, I bet Mickey Mantle never did this:



Mercy!)

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That's a technical foul!

Don't be fooled my image selection: The screenshot of adorable cartoon character Whitey from Eight Crazy Nights (which I mostly chose to get that song stuck in my brother's head for the rest of the week) belies the feelings of angst and disgust that NBA playoff officiating has brought me once again after last night's Game 5 of the Eastern Conference Finals.

If you're like the "snooty European guy in the audience" character from Late Night with Conan O'Brien and were watching the U.S.-England friendly instead of our savage American game of basketball, you missed a pretty awesome game. Unfortunately, even such a fine display of basketballmanship was not spared the scourge of questionable officiating--this time in the form of unnecessary technical fouls.

Ultimately, neither fourth quarter technical ended up being much of a factor in the outcome of last night's game. And in light of Tuesday night's Brent Barry duck 'n' cover and Lamar Odom's tackle of Tony Parker, a couple weak technicals don't seem very controversial. Having said that, Rasheed Wallace is now one tech away from a one-game suspension for what seemed like a modest protest, and it's very conceivable that he'll pick up his seventh in Game 6 and have to sit out Game 7, assuming the Pistons win Game 6. The technical called on Kendrick Perkins a few minutes later was even more petty.

I realize that the NBA instituted a shorter leash for player protests last season, but... it seems a little absurd to T up a guy for a non-threatening protest when it's the fourth quarter in Game 5 of a tied series. Of course, the classic line justifying a technical after a mild protest is, "He must have said the magic words," to which I respond: What could these magic words that are so horrific they merit a technical foul/ejection possibly be??? Is it "Fuck you"? Honestly? Are the simple words "Fuck you" the break point for an NBA official? I would at least hope they're something a little more creative and vicious like, "Don't take out your frustrations on me just because I'm young and rich, and you're loveless, lonely, and impotent." Even then, I don't think a technical is warranted when it's the fourth quarter of a crucial playoff game.

I'm not saying players should be able to verbally assail a ref without repercussion just because a bad call was made. But I think a lot of officials forget that being a punching bag is sorta part of the job description. Excuse me for sounding like Hawk Harrelson, but as an official, you are an arbiter, meaning your role is to make sure that the two opposing sides act civilly toward one another and are subject to the same set of rules. It is not your role to show what balls you have by standing up to the big, bad famous athlete who gets a little upset or pottymouthed. Because guess what--nobody watching the game cares what you get called or how much you get yelled at. We just wanna see the action called correctly.

That's why it's inappropriate for an umpire in baseball to glare at or egg on a batter protesting a called third strike as he walks back to the dugout. I think it's just as inappropriate for a basketball ref to call a cheap technical on a player for expressing verbal displeasure at a call. Protesting is part of being a human with emotions. It's the first thing a baby learns after how to suck on a breast, and there's really not much anyone can do to turn off that instinct. And by rule, a player has no recourse when he feels was wronged by a bad call. A verbal protest is the closest thing he has, and I think it's a tad cruel to take that away. On the other hand, the ref does have recourse once that player protests, and therefore the burden is on the ref--not the player--to show restraint during a dispute. It's the ref's responsibility not to abuse that power but only use it as a last resort on a player who's totally lost control.

I know that questionable NBA officiating is a tired and annoying topic (my favorite kind, it seems), but it's one that gets me every time. Bad split-second calls are one thing. They happen. Most split-second calls are ambiguous and reactive. Sometimes the ref even knows immediately afterward that he screwed up. But a technical is proactive. And in most cases, it's totally unnecessary.

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Pick-on-Hawk Week continues

Or cliched hyperbole-style:

"I swear... every break... on a bad call by an umpire... has gone against us on this road trip."

-Ken "Hawk" Harrelson, colorful and popular White Sox play-by-play announcer after a close force play during today's Giants-White Sox game

To be fair to Hawk, I never heard him complain about balls and strikes at any time throughout the scattered moments of today's game that I actually saw, which may have marked the first time I've watched a Sox game this year when I could say that. Of course, I only caught about three innings total, and I stake my spotless reputation on the probability that he uttered at least one, "Where was that pitch?" or, "That was a strike when Paulie was up there," over the course of today's game.

The point is, Hawk needs to understand something: the Major League Baseball Umpires Union does not have--nor has ever had--an organized conspiracy to screw over the Chicago White Sox. Go ahead--call me naive. Call me blind. Say I'm too trusting of authority. But I don't believe that sports umpires and officials--on the whole--show arbitrary bias in favor or against particular teams or players, with the exception of NBA officials' persistent effort to break the will of Rasheed Wallace.

I also believe it's statistically remote--to the point of being impossible--that luck has gone against the Sox on every single borderline call over the course of this baseball season (not to mention the past two seasons during which Hawk's whining has gradually escalated to where it is today).

And that leads me to the one plausible conclusion: Hawk Harrelson has a severe personality disorder and needs to be institutionalized.

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Hawk and DJ: As dedicated to their blog as we are

I was over at the Chicago Tribune web-site this morning, and I decided to navigate the link to my second-favorite internet web-log, Hawk and DJ's baseball blog to see what fine insights these baseball veterans of a combined 21 years playing experience have offered in recent days.

Unfortunately, all I saw on the front page were videos of game highlights and Stats Inc. factoids and series previews. In fact, I had to go all the way back to April 9 to find the most recent Hawk post and March 15 for the latest DJ piece, which was his first since a blurb about a Jon Garland hot streak last June 4.

Fortunately for those of us who sorely miss Hawk and DJ's cutting analysis, I think I can fill in. I've watched enough White Sox games over the last several years to know how they would size up the recent doings of the Sox if they had the time to post. So first, let's hear from Hawk...

Different game

It's a shame the way the umpires have taken over the game. Ten, twenty, thirty years ago, you'd never see that. Guys just can't throw inside anymore. I've never seen as many exploding bats as I have in the last five years. Guys used to prefer ash bats, but more guys are going to maple. There was a pitcher I played with in Kansas City by the name of John O'Donoghue who we liked to call "Odelayheehoo" for short. We were playing Cleveland one time, and Rocky Colavito tagged Odie for a homerun in the first inning. Rocky was sort of a hot dog, and he started walking toward first when the ball left the bat, and Johnny-O didn't take too kindly to it. You never saw that sort of thing forty, fifty, sixty years ago. He said, "The next time he comes up, I'm gonna knock him on his backside before he even gets to the dish." Of course, he didn't use the word "backside." So as Colavito was leaving the on-deck circle next time up, O-dog pelted him right in the kisser. And that was before they made guys wear helmets. You don't see that anymore. You see a lot more maple bats today because they have a little more pop in them. I always preferred a good piece of ash. The umpires have to remember that the fans come out to see the players perform, not the umpires. Most of the umpires are very good, but some of them aren't as good. Just like there are good and bad ballplayers, there are good and bad umpires. You just want them to call balls and strikes the same for both sides.

Stretch! Stretch! Stretch!... Mercy! Dadgummit...

And now DJ...

Positive signs

I completely agree, Hawk. After a rough patch, Juan Uribe seems to be finding his rhythm. We all know that when Juan gets into a groove, he's one of the most dangerous hitters in the American League. He reminds me a lot of a guy I used to play against on the San Francisco Giants named Jose Uribe because they both used to play shortstop and have the last name Uribe. The young starting pitchers show no signs of slowing down, and you know Mark Buehrle will get back to pitching like the Cy Young-caliber ace we know he is. Jose Contreras looks fully healthy again, and I think he could have a career year. And we all know what the "Silent Assassin" Javy Vazquez can do. Kenny Williams has made some excellent moves, and Ozzie has these guys energized and playing hard. I think the Sox are hitting their stride, and I really think they will get in a groove. Kenny Williams has put together a great team, and you know this team will find its rhythm and be in the mix come September.

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Hawk Harrelson just used this phrase twice this inning, both times making absolutely no sense

The phrase?

"That's why they call it baseball."

The first time it was, "There's exceptions to every rule. That's why they call it baseball."

The second time it was, "Every [trend] goes through cycles. That's why they call it baseball."

Last time I checked, the game is called "baseball" because it's played with both "bases" and "balls." Drop the pluralizations, and you get "baseball." You're much too folksy for your own good, Hawk.


FYI: As I write this, the Royals' Joey Gathright just perfectly illustrated what Matt, Nate, and I always say about the "balls out" approach to baseball. Going for a foul pop in shallow left, he nearly killed himself (or at least seriously injured himself) by running full speed and tumbling into the front row of seats. And yes, Aaron Rowand's name has been heavily dropped by Hawk and DJ in the aftermath of the play.

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Jeffrey Maier revisited?

As did I'm sure billions of other people tuned into the All-Star Game last night (who may have also posted this same comment on their own blogs), Zuch and I immediately earmarked Carl Crawford's homerun--which appeared aided by a reaching fan--as a potential source of controversy. We decided that the AL would need to win by at least two runs, or else that homerun would be called into question later.

Of course, thanks to Soriano's ninth-inning dinger, that did not happen, and now I'm here to question the validity of the game's outcome.

But before I go all Hawk Harrelson on this ("That is BS! That is absolute BS!"), I'd like to know if there's an explanation. Are Zuch and I that blind? (We really don't have very good vision, either of us.) Or is there something that I don't know about Telephone Provider Park's ground rules? Zuch and I were in a crowded public place watching the game, so perhaps Buck and McCarver eloquently explained--as they're so inclined to do--exactly why that homerun was allowed to stand.

Otherwise, you're dadgum right this game will be under protest! And this is one protest that's gonna be upheld! I guarantee that!

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