A word from Indiana head basketball coach Tom Crean

Hi there, Indiana basketball fans! Boy, it's really been an exciting few weeks for our program. There have been a lot of changes since last season, and we couldn't be more optimistic about the direction our program is headed in.

I've always said that Indiana has the best college basketball fans in the country, and I truly believe that we will reward you all with a great season and compete for the Big Ten title.

As many of you may have heard, we recently released a few members of the team from their scholarships for various reasons. Unfortunately, these young men weren't the right fit for what we're trying to build here. The great Indiana basketball tradition is something that's always been very special to me, and upholding that tradition is a responsibility I put above all else.

Fortunately, those vacancies have opened the door for some fresh, young talent, and we couldn't be more thrilled with our nine newcomers and two returning players that will don the crimson and cream come November. We also have two remaining scholarships on our roster that we have yet to fill, but I couldn't be more excited about some of the players who have expressed their interest in joining the Indiana basketball tradition.

The first is a young man named Tyler Mooney out of Muncie, Indiana. Tyler is a superb talent who was one of the most highly recruited players in the Muncie area when he played in the Indiana Juniors 13-and-under League as a 5'7" power forward. He has since grown to 5'9" and now plays guard, but he has retained those big-man instincts and low center of gravity. He's also a coach's son, having played for his father on the Ward 6 Mad Ballers in the Muncie Park District League back in 2000, so you know he has a high basketball IQ. Tyler would have been one of the top recruits in the country this year, but he flew under the recruiting radar after taking the last four years off to focus on his academics. We are very excited about Tyler's future with Indiana basketball.

We also have a verbal commitment from a 7-footer out of the Republic of Congo named Jacques Massamba-Mvouba whom we are very excited about. Jacques is a very gifted athlete with limitless potential who is just beginning to learn the game. When we first met Jacques sixteen days ago and rolled out a basketball for him, he sliced it in half with a machete and threw it in a boiling pot. He's really come a long way since then, and once we break him of a few bad habits--like kicking the ball and heading the ball--we think he will be an excellent player on the collegiate level and maybe beyond.

Also in the mix is Walt Stump, a 6'3" forward from Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Walt was the star of the 1980 Eau Claire Prep team that went to the Wisconsin state quarterfinals. At the time, Walt was being recruited heavily by several programs, including University of Wisconsin Steven's Point, St. Cloud State, and Benedictine University, but he opted for military service instead. He has maintained his collegiate eligibility and stayed in such great basketball shape since then that you would never even guess he's 47 years old. Walt comes from a great family background--both of his parents are heavily involved in their church and also their retirement community--and we would be very proud to have Walt become a part of this program.

Finally, we are looking closely at a transfer from Santa Rosa Junior College named Chris Lee, a 6'1" guard who originally hails from Modesto, California. Lee has had some trouble with the law in the past, but he has really righted the ship in the last year, having passed nearly all of his classes and avoiding arrest for over five months now. He has also blossomed into a excellent basketball player, averaging 9.3 points per game for Santa Rosa last season. I've always been a big believer in second chances, and I really believe Chris would be an incredible addition to our program.

I couldn't be happier with the future of the Indiana basketball program, and I truly believe 2008-2009 will be fantastic year for Hoosier basketball. I can't wait to see all of you coming out to support us in Assembly Hall later this year. The Indiana Hoosier basketball fans are the absolute best in the country, and I know you will see some wonderful things on the court this season. I can't wait!

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It's Indiana

Tom Crean would be off to a roaring start so far in his new homes, with afew examples below here:

The one big man with an iota of talent on Indiana's roster announced he's transferring and did not seem very happy with how things went down (Must have heard how Crean likes to utilize his big men).

One of the top underclassmen in the state of Indiana, Dominique Ferguson, has just committed to Kentucky.

Finally, along with the one scholarship already lost so far due to Kelvin Sampson's improper phone calls, the Hoosiers poor academic progress report could lead to another two scholarships losses. Also, Indiana has still yet to hear about their final punishment for Mr. Sampson's actions. All in all, it would be an even worse time than normal to be in Bloomington, Indiana.

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Shit.

Crean to Indiana.

Being reported by all legitimate news outlets.

Please let this be the most elaborate/cruel April Fools joke ever.

Update: Crean's departure is not an April Fools Joke. But we have obtained video of Coach Crean saying an emotional goodbye to the MU fanbase.

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Indiana Coaching Search

After the debacle following the reigns of their previous two coaches, there will be one thing I can guarantee has been mandated in this search: Indiana's next coach must be white.

Current leader in the clubhouse, Tony Bennett, had your prototypical white boy game, not to mention his extremely white father Dick Bennett. In fact, being the son of such a crusty older gentleman gives Bennett the boost his age (38) and NBA experiences would have hindered.

Now, should Bennett rebuff Indiana, the next options would most definitely be as white, if not whiter. Former Stanford coach Mike Montgomery, plenty white, what with his failure to reign in those NBA players being a major plus. Lon Kruger would be the slightly younger, but more well traveled version of Montgomery.

In fact, in preparing for this post, I may or may not have overheard the following conversation between the Blue Ribbon Committee and Indiana AD Rick Greenspan:

BRC: "We really like this Anthony Grant fellow, nice success at VCU and great pedigree at Florida, where he played a big part in recruiting the back-to-back national champions. Also, he should be relatively affordable."

Greenspan: "I don't know, I tried making a bold hire with Sampson and we all saw how that ended. Between you guys and I, I feel awfully lucky to still be employed. This Grant character, while likely successful and a good recruiter in all, would upset the old apple cart a bit. A young coach whose team averages more than 70 points a game, we do not want any of that at Indiana."

BRC: "All right, we understand your apprehension here, Grant is a bit inexperienced and all. Okay, we have always been impressed with this Tom Crean guy. An experienced coach, going on a decade at Marquette with a Final Four, recruited multiple NBA players and participated in 5 NCAA Tournaments."

Greenspan: "While this seems to be a good hire, you have to look beneath the surface here. His team plays a little fast for my taste and boy he seems focused on these damn quick players that like to run and dunk. While some fans wanted that James player, I applauded Mike Davis for passing on such a showman like, undisciplined kid that must be an Indiana transplant. He was definitely no Tom Coverdale or Kyle Hornsby, that I can tell you."

BRC: "All right, I guess you spoke with Bo Ryan for advice, so Crean's out. All right, we have one more candidate for you, John Calipari. You had to impressed with what they did the other night, beating your conference rivals like a drum"

Greenspan: All right, stop with this fucking charade. Who in the hell gave you these candidates, and don't they understand what Indiana basketball is supposed to be about. If we want to get back to winning national titles, we need to bring in a coach who recruits fundamentally sound, disciplined players who buy into the Indiana way. These guy have so been lacking in intangibles, it's not funny. Fuck it, you guys are clearly no help, I'm handling this shit on my own."

Personally, my recommendation for your next Indiana coach can be seen in the image on the upper right.

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373 degrees Kelvin (Sampson)

(Holy shit, my titles are awesome. I'm so fucking clever. But you probably don't even get that. Go to a blog where people are as dumb as you, e.g. Busted Coverage, ok?)

Evidently, there's a good chance that Indiana coach Kelvin Sampson will be canned tomorrow afternoon. Come Tuesday, he'll likely be homeless. By Thursday, dead.

And for what? Lust. Lust for the services of 17 year-olds. If you're Matt, you can sympathize. For the rest of us, we can at least empathize. His only sin was wanting too much. Or in the words of Hannibal Lecter, "He covets. That is his nature. And how do we begin to covet, Clarice?" Young Jodie Foster in a southern accent: "We see a high school junior with a mad handle and a sweet J, and we want him so bad that we call him each night before we can fall asleep."

So here's my question: What's so wrong with a little talent lust? Do we really need the NCAA to police coaches who can't help themselves? Coaches who woo and woo until they can woo no more? Why not let the recruits police the coaches? Why not let the recruits police the coaches the way your high school squeeze policed you? "Matt, I get that you want me. But you're coming off way too desperate. You have to stop calling me or my parents'll get pissed. I'm going now, ok? Bye. ...No, I won't be around later, ok? Bye... For real. Bye!"

Instead, Kelvin Sampson has been disgraced, and may soon be jobless, for what I see as a victimless crime (ok, maybe one victim named Bruce Weber). Ask Eric Gordon if he cares how many phone calls he got while he fields his next call from a future agent promising more money than Geraldo has earned in his lifetime.

No one paid anyone. No one beat up anyone. No one bought anyone dinner to make the death of a young man's father sting a touch less. No one killed anyone. And most importantly, no one bought anyone dinner. Why is this such a big deal? Sure, it's a little sleazy, but recruiting is a sleazy business. And guess what--your favorite team's coach is a sleazebag too. And I guarantee whatever that coach--let's call him Tomrick PaCreano--does to land stud recruits is no more wholesome than what Sampson has done.

And no, Matt, I still won't go out with you.

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