The most exciting two minutes (and two-and-a-half hours of pre-race coverage) in all of sports

Oh man... I wait all year for this. Most people don't know this about me, but I'm a huge fan of thoroughbred racing. I love the ponies. Can't get enough of them. Got the OTB in MyFaves and MyCircle.

The Kentucky Derby... the tradition... the pageantry... the majesty...

That Bob Costas really knows to paint a picture with words. Wow. What a man. Hey--did you all catch Hef and his ladies on the red carpet? Man, what a "stud" that guy is. (Horse racing joke there.) Two young "phillies" on the arm of an 82 year-old. What a country!

We're here with trainer Richard Dutrow Jr....

Wow, look at all those big hats! And everyone's drinking mint juleps. As big a racing fan as I am, I don't think I've ever had one, but they sound sorta gross. I wonder if they serve Mike's Hard Lemonade there. I know that's what I'd be getting. The only thing minty I'll ever drink is Schnapps or mouthwash.

...Legendary jockey Kent Desormeaux...

Wait... when does this thing actually start? I thought it was 4:00. They must've changed the time on me. They said the track is fast this year. Maybe we'll see a record today. Oh, Vince McMahon is at the race, too. I wonder who his money's on. Definitely a guy who knows a good stable. (That's a wrestling joke.)

The horses are beginning to walk out...

Wow, this is really taking forever. Oh, I wonder how the Cubs are doing doing.... oh good, still up. Alright back to the Derby.

TNT... We know drama.

Crap. Hit the wrong channel. Nice! Varsity Blues. Man, that Coach Kilmer is such an ass. Oh yeah, this is the part where Moxon calls the audible, and they score so Coach gets all pissed. Great scene. Ok... Derby time.

There's a 25 mile-per-hour wind that will be blowing against the horses as they come down the stretch...

Hmm. Maybe we won't see that record. When is it gonna be post time already? Nice... Cubs are up 9-3 now. They must have come ready to play today. Did you see Sweet Lou blow his top the other day? Wow, that was something. Ok, back to the Derby.

I mean... I love my broker. I've known him for years...

These "Talk to Chuck" commercials--you know, these ones with the real people talking but they sort of look like cartoons--they freak me out. Hey, I wonder if Varsity Blues is still on.

I'm gonna go find someone who can sell us some weed...

Oh, nice! Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle! Love this movie! This is the part where they're at Princeton and they meet those two hot twins. Haha, and now the security guard just busted them for smoking up in the dorm. Oh, and this is the part where Neil Patrick Harris steals their car! This movie rules. Hahaha.... They got the escaped cheetah high! Man, that would be so awesome to get an animal high, like a dog or a horse--Oh my god, the Derby!

We're here with Kent Desormeaux in the winner's circle...

Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!

...And of course, tragedy today, as Eight Belles had to be euthanized...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I loved that horse!!! Oh well... back to Harold and Kumar. Sweet! This is where they hang glide off that cliff. I should go buy a hang glider. That seems like a fun hobby. I should buy some weed, too. Oh shit, phone's ringing... gotta go. Later.