As promised, here is my paragraph-by-paragraph critique of an absolutley asinine column written by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinal's Cliff Christl. It seems too easy to rip apart a MJS writer (For those of you not familiar with the paper, their top sports columnist is named Mike Hunt. No joke.) but it's fun for me to write, and hopefully fun for you to read.
What happens if Koren Robinson kills somebody in Wisconsin driving drunk or fleeing the police?
Yeah, that's how the column starts. My "shitty column" radar began going off like crazy.
Green Bay Packers general manager Ted Thompson wore a smile late Monday afternoon as he prepared to meet the media in the Lambeau Field atrium to announce the signing of wide receiver and kick returner Koren Robinson. When that was the first question fired at Thompson following his brief introductory remarks, he turned ashen and somber as he tried to collect himself and provide an answer.
Do you see the picture he's painting here? Thompson comes in with sunshine and rainbows on his shoulder, until our hero The Reporter points out the inevitability of Koren Robinson running over small children and physically disabled. Suddenly a dark cloud comes over the room and Thompson becomes flustered, looking around for one of his evil overlords to provide him with a response.
"Oh, I can't answer anything like that," Thompson said after a two-second pause. "There's issues in his past that obviously he's made some mistakes, but most of those issues are covered under the confidentiality of the NFL and the NFLPA. There's programs set up and that sort of thing, and that's where that lies."
During that no doubt terrifying two-second pause, I think I can imagine what was going through Thompson's head. Something along the lines of, Who let Steven Colbert into the room? Wait, is that a serious question?
Maybe if Thompson had given that potential tragedy some thought prior to that moment, he might have come to his senses and not been standing there. Because he hadn't, he should have answered, "The blood, or at least some splattering of it, will be on my hands."
Well as long as it's not splattering on his new suit. Believe me, blood stains are a bitch to get out.
Chilling?
Oh yes, very. Hypothetical situations where people die are much more disturbing than an actual mentally handicapped person actually being shot at a bus stop, or an actual 11-year-old girl actually being gang raped, or another young girl actually being killed by a stray bullet (all of which have happened in Milwaukee recently).
You bet it's a chilling thought. When the local professional football team signs a player less than a month after he has been arrested for allegedly driving drunk at more than 100 miles an hour and refusing to stop for police, that is what should be foremost on the minds of the people of Wisconsin, most of whom are good, loyal fans of the Packers. We shouldn't be thinking about whether this troubled player can help this troubled team win an extra game or two.
I've got news for you Cliffy; at least half of those good, loyal fans leave Lambeau each week with at least a six pack in their system.
This was a move that deserves no mercy when it comes to criticism and only a chilling look at what could be the most chilling consequences of it.
You sure like that word "chilling" don't you? You should invest in a thesaurus.
Maybe there's little risk if Robinson merely suffers a relapse with his alcohol addiction. But if that relapse leads to death, something that Thompson apparently viewed as the unthinkable, the damage done to the Packers will be tsunami-like.
Tsunami-like? Really? Robinson's accident is going to kill 300,000 people?
Is Thompson really that stupid to risk the reputation, the kindred spirit and the good will that one of the most storied franchises in sports has built with its community and its fans over 80-some years?
Could Thompson not figure out beforehand that if Robinson goes astray in any way that gives the Packers a black eye he might erase almost all of the positive feelings that were created under his mentor, Ron Wolf, following the bleak 1980s, when the Packers were habitual losers both on and off the field?
THIS one incident is going to ruin an entire franchise? I didn't realize we were dealing with original sin here. Did we forget about Mark Chmura already?
Why didn't chief executive officer Bob Harlan, chief operating officer John Jones and the executive committee overrule Thompson in the case?
Is Harlan willing to risk his legacy during his final year in office on Koren Robinson not tarnishing the image of the franchise? Have the members of the committee completely lost their spine?
Yeah, geez! Is Harlan really willing to take a one-in-a-million risk to make sure his team is able to actually score some points in his final year?
This is a player who has at least two strikes against him in the NFL's substance-abuse program. This is a player who has had repeated problems with alcohol over his six years in the league, perhaps leaving him on pace to become football's version of Steve Howe.
Steve Howe died four months ago in a car accident. Nice timing Cliff. Asshole.
Yes, it's best if the executive committee doesn't interfere with football decisions. And, yes, it always has been pretty much a rubber stamp for whatever the general manager and coach want.
Well, it's good to see you've come to your senses.
But this was more than just a football decision.
Nevermind.
Again, and it can't be emphasized enough, this was a decision to sign a player who within the last month endangered lives in one of the most reckless ways possible.
Unprotected sex? Poisoning water supplies? Shooting an AK-47 into Times Square?
A player who was released by the rival Minnesota Vikings because they no longer wanted to deal with the problems he created.
Well that, and they handcuffed themselves to a zero-tolerance policy. A policy that makes sense only as a last-gasp, desperation move.
How many mothers and fathers, or any of you for that matter, want this player living in your neighborhood or driving your streets at night?
Doesn't he make Robinson sound like Dahmer? Hide the women and children, Koren Robinson is on the prowl!
True enough, the National Football League isn't the Boy Scouts.
(Insert gay joke here)
It's automatically assumed that if a city has a franchise, it's going to be harboring players with arrest records, convictions, you name it.
If the Packers, or any other teams for that matter, limited itself to signing only good citizens, they couldn't compete in what some, in an attempt at dark humor, have called the National Felony League.
HA! Oh man, that one is going to keep me laughing for days...National...FELONY League...haha...phew.
Nor would most people be naïve enough in these parts to believe that since the days of Johnny Blood there haven't been Packers going out at night, imbibing too much and driving. Probably most of us who live in this state, at least those of us 21 and older, have driven at some time or another after having too much to drink.
...or written columns after having too much to drink.
Had the Packers signed Randy Moss or Terrell Owens or any other malcontent or controversial figure, it would have drawn no quarrel here.
You're worried about tearing a franchise apart, but you would be okay with T.O. in Green Bay? After what he did in San Franciso...and Philly...and soon Dallas? Okay, you officially make no sense to anyone but yourself.
But Robinson, at least for now, so soon after his most recent incident, can't offer anything but hollow promises that he'll get his life together and not repeat his senseless behavior that had him racing back to the Vikings' training camp in Mankato with an alleged 0.11 blood-alcohol content.
0.11? That's what you're freaking out about? 0.1 was the legal limit in Wisconsin until recently. When I'm at 0.11 I can still play "Operation" without a problem. When the Packers bring in Joe Cullen, then we'll talk about drunk driving.
That's why Thompson and the Packers will be culpable for any calamities or tragedies that Robinson might bring to pass here.
Nevermind, I guess he has that thesaurus after all. Culpable? Calamities? Ha.
Under almost any other circumstances, it would be unfair to blame Thompson or the Packers for trouble caused by their players.
They're employers, not babysitters.
The Nanny, Season Two: English Bitch Takes on the Green Bay Packers.
But they wouldn't deserve impunity in this case. They certainly couldn't plead ignorance.
I think he's actually suggesting that they should share a cell with Robinson when he runs over the blind kid.
The potential downside here so outweighs the potential gains that somebody, somewhere in the organization with any kind of authority should have had the good sense to speak up and short-circuit the move.
See, this is why you should do your research. Here are the results I found: potential downside = 230 lbs. potential gains = 278 lbs. That's just bad reporting.
Then again, maybe that's why this team appears to be in a free fall and is even willing to once again risk becoming the squalor it was back in the days when no player symbolized it any better than Mossy Cade.
A guy who played two years for the Packers symbolized the team by raping a woman? I would say that in the 80s, the Packers were better symbolized by the rapee than the rapist. I would say that, but that would just be wrong.
Well, I'm going to go lock my door and barricade my room until Green Bay has an away game. Koren Robinson is on the loose people. It's just a matter of time before he kills someone. Just a matter of time...
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