Less than 11 hours left, 25 votes to burn, and I can be bought

>> Wednesday

Hey there, MLB stars!

More specifically: Hey there, Kevin Youkilis, Justin Morneau, Dustin Pedroia, Ian Kinsler, Jason Varitek, Joe Mauer, Vlad Guerrero, Bobby Abreu, J.D. Drew, Hanley Ramirez, Miguel Tejada, Kosuke Fukudome, and Ryan Braun!

I know how badly all of you want to start the All-Star Game, but unfortunately, only half of you will. The other half will come tantalizingly close, only to fall short by a handful of votes. Sure, you may still have a chance of being picked as a reserve, but you really don't want to sweat that one out, do you? For some of you, losing this vote will cost you your last chance to ever play in Yankee Stadium. And how about all those Hall of Famers that will be attending? You surely wouldn't want to miss that.

Well guess what. The only thing that stands between you and that crushing heartbreak is me. Me and my 25 online votes through MLB.com. I haven't spent a single one yet, and I have just 10 hours and 42 minutes left to use them. And while a man with scruples might use his votes to ensure that the most deserving players win these tight races, I prefer to use my leverage for selfish means.

So here's how this will work: You offer me bribes of luxurious gifts, and I give you my vote. Of course, the caliber of gift I will expect is proportional to how deserving you are, how large your lead or deficit is, and how likely you are to be selected as a reserve. So if you're, say, Hanley Ramirez, and you're leading the less-deserving Miguel Tejada, a decorative fruit basket should cover it. However, if you're Jason Varitek, and you're not only trailing the more-more deserving candidate Joe Mauer but also putting up Paul Bako-like numbers at the plate, I would expect nothing less than a Louis Vuitton custom handbag for my girlfriend.

To make this easier, I've gone ahead and assigned an approximate cash value of gift that I expect from each player.

Kevin Youkilis: $45
Justin Morneau: $50
Dustin Pedroia: $75
Ian Kinsler: $40
Jason Varitek: $750
Joe Mauer: $10
Vlad Guerrero: $70
Bobby Abreu: $100
J.D. Drew: $45
Hanley Ramirez: $25
Miguel Tejada: $200
Kosuke Fukudome: $85
Ryan Braun: Ineligible (religious reasons)

Also to help you out, here's a list of stuff I've been wanting to buy:
-iPhone
-food processor
-archery bow
-Alaskan cruise
-Yorkshire Terrier
-hanglider
-Waterford carafe
-Chicago Bears beanbag chair
-cordless drill
-fake passport

Hopefully that gives you some good gift ideas. I will expect your final offers in my inbox (guywhostillhasall25votes@earthlink.net) by 10pm CDT--no later. Please include any necessary contact information for arranging the delivery of luxurious gifts.

And may the highest bidder win!

1 comments:

Zuch 1:18 PM  

Carlos Quentin demands a last minute write-in flurry.

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