More fun with press quotes: What makes an asshole who waits four hours for a 23-cent pizza tick

>> Thursday

How do you make up for insulting a sports fanbase and its favorite star player? Easy--You cause a public menace by offering 23-cent pizzas to residents near-ish the city where that star player plays.

"It's a recession-busting offer, and we certainly hope we have made it up to Cleveland," Tim North, vice president of the company's northeast division, told WEWS-TV.

I may not be Steven Levitt's financial advisor, but I'm not sure how (essentially) giving away a product that required human labor to create is "recession-busting"--especially given that Papa John's also gave $10,000 to the so-called "Cavaliers Youth Fund" (read: PR platform for Cavs players with a 2.6% organizational efficiency).

"We're certainly a bit surprised about how darn popular this is," North told The (Cleveland) Plain Dealer.

Translation: "Our customers are even trashier than I realized."

"I did it for the principle of it. The principle of it is he's not a crybaby and Papa John's should not have gotten into it," Jennie Moore, 54, of University Heights, said as she waited for a pepperoni pizza.

The principle of it. That's why you waited for hours with hoards of other scuzzy freeloaders to score a low-grade pepperoni pizza. The principle of showing Papa John's management that they should not have called LeBron James a "crybaby." You are a noble woman of great conviction. Clearly, your 54 years on this earth have shaped your social conscience in a profound way.

Randall Hunter, 50, from Cleveland Heights, spent most of his four-hour split between bus driving shifts waiting for his pepperoni pizza. He defended James and what he said were flagrant fouls he received in the Washington series.

So... you waited almost four hours--the entirity of your break, mind you--to get a pizza... a pizza that you will now have to A) scarf down in a short amount of time before having to cramp yourself behind the wheel of a bus for the next several hours or B) bring the pizza on the bus and, at best, watch it get cold or eaten by passengers and, at worst, lose your job for unprofessional conduct.

I'll resist the urge to say, "I think I know why you drive a bus for a living." Oh shit... just did. Well, I'm sure Cleveland Heights is a lovely place. *chortle chortle*

Patrick Mone, dressed in a blue James "Witness" T-shirt, was willing to wait as long as necessary for the bargain.

Wouldn't it be funny if he waited so long he died? No? Ok, fine.

"It's worth it," he said. "All the money is going to charity, and obviously, it's bringing new business to Papa John's. Even though there is a line, I think it's pretty cool. ... Twenty-three cents, you can't beat it."

a) It's not worth it, by any objective or subjective measure (as determined by me).
b) Pat yourself on the back, Pat. You're donating $0.23 to charity, or 0.0000002% (no joke) of the 2005 FY revenue of Doctors Without Borders.
c) Why do you care about the financial success of the Papa John's corporation?

"As I got closer, I was like, 'Oh, boy. This is going to be nuts,'" he said.

"This"="I"; "is going to be"="am"; "nuts"="a stupid cunt"

2 comments:

Anonymous,  9:06 PM  

happy Mother's Day YCS!
Stephen

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