Transcription of Pope Benedict's homily at Yankee Stadium

>> Sunday


Good afternoon, Catholics! Great to be here! Wow, it's great to be doing mass here in the "House that Ruth Built"...

[Wooooo!]

And I don't mean the author of the eighteenth book of the Old Testament.

[laughter]

Boy, I see all of you at there walking around the infield dirt... I haven't seen that kind of traffic on the basepaths since the last time Jeff Weaver pitched here.

[laughter]

Looking out to my left, I see all of you standing where Alex Rodriguez would normally be playing third base.

[Woooo!]

Please, while you're out there, try not to choke.

[Laughter, howling]

I don't want to call on my divine intervention because I have to resuscitate you.

[Laughter]

I tell ya, being in this town can be real tough on a guy with connections to the Almighty. I can't go five minutes without some Yankees fan asking me to re-curse the Red Sox.

[Laughter]

Speaking of Boston, I think you all heard what I had to say about those priests in the Boston Archdiocese.

[Boos]

Hold on, now... Are you booing child molestation...?

[mild booing]

...Or the city of Boston...?

[resounding boos]

Boy, you New Yorkers are tough. The other day, an Italian fella in South Brooklyn came up to me and said, "Dos' Boston priests are real assholes, eh?"...

[woooo!!!]

And I said, "Hey now... They're good guys, eh."

And all of a sudden he's yelling to his friends, "Hey, yous! Look! It's Pope Benedict Arnold!"

[polite aplause, crowd realizing that joke was far too contrived]

Did you all see Billy Crystal hitting in spring training?

[howls]

Yeah, he struck out.

[Awwww...]

I think that might have been the best at bat a Jew has ever had!

[raucous applause, cheers]

...You know, because they're bad at baseball!

[In unison: "We got it, Pope!" ...(Single voice: "What about Ryan Bruan?!")]

Ok... Just making sure. ...Well, hey, I'm getting the wrap-it-up sign from Monsignor, so I'd better call it a day.

[Awwwwww!!!!]

You've been a great audience, and I can't wait to get back!

[Wooooooo!!!!]

Thank you, thank you [pantomime golf swing]...

4 comments:

mickleo,  11:19 PM  

Hysterical! I needed a good laugh.

Anonymous,  5:23 PM  

how many posts have you guys done now involving sacrilege?

Paul 5:53 PM  

Sheer brilliance!

Matt 2:26 PM  

The arc of this post is hilarious - great start with a solid joke that you probably thought up first and then trailing off into foolishness. Brilliant.

The Pope isn't fit for the Catskills.

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