A thousand asterisks? Not enough, I say! A million trillion BILLION asterisks!
>> Thursday
As we all know, a certain man* known as Barry* Bonds** is fast approaching a new* MLB career home run record***. And if he does break* this record, it will be the end of baseball and God as we know them.
But us baseball fans are too proud to let him accomplish** this feat*--at least not without yelling a lot and being really sanctimonious about it!
That's why I want to share this email we got yesterday:
The fans have waved over one thousand foam asterisks in stadiums across the country. Boston fans are preparing for the Boston Asterisk Party. Why have you not heard of it? Because MLB has effectively muted this protest.
Without good journalists like you the fans will not be heard. The LA Times, Sporting News, Canada, and Florida have jumped on board. Our next goal is to get 1,000 asterisk in the Bleachers on July 17th! Can you help us out with a little grass roots word of mouth?
This is the year the storied steroid era will resurface and with our help the fans will unite...
That's right! Good journalists like us! We will UNITE!! To end injustice! To fight the good fight! To perpetuate the idolatry of baseball records! To make sure we condemn, humiliate, and verbally threaten this cheater of a cheat of scumbum!
That's right--CHEATER. You're a CHEATER, Bonds*!!
A cheater!!!
CHEEEEAAAAT.... ERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
... ERRRRRRRRR!!!!!
...ERRRRRR!!!
...ERRRR...
Cheater, cheater, excrement eater!!!!!
...Sorry. Got a little carried away. Let me just compose my--
...NO GOOD CHEATING BASTARD ASTERISK ASTERISK ASTERISK YARRRRRRGHHHRRRRRRRGHHH!!!!!!!! *********************
Ok, done.
But the protest shouldn't stop at a thousand fans in the bleachers. No, friends. Our work will not be done until every set of opposable thumbs on this planet is gripping a foam asterisk on the day Barry** Bonds**** breaks****** the home*run* record**!!!
That's right--EVERY SET OF OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
EVEN MONKEYS.
And when he does break it, we will tag the outside of AT&T Park with an askerisk so big that Barry's f***ing eyes* will pop! And then we'll head over to Bonds* Manor and dispense herbicide in the shape of a 300 yard-by-300 yard asterisk on Barry's lawn! And then we'll piss in the shape of an asterisk in the middle of it!!! I mean... yeah, it won't show anymore once the urine evaporates... But it'll be one hell of a statement!! And then we'll hang Bonds* in effigy! And then we'll take down that effigy and piss on it too! Who's with me!!
Join the power!! Fight the good fight!! Fight the power!! Fight the good!! Power the join!! Good the good!!...
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3 comments:
Monkeys don't have opposable thumbs. That's what makes them monkeys.
Speaking of monkeys, did a monkey write this post? It's very sophomoric.
Signed,
One of your biggest fans
Sophomoric? I was going more for juvenile.
And are you sure monkeys don't have opposable thumbs? Is there a zoologist in the house?
According to MSN/Encarta, most monkeys do have opposable thumbs, and they are using them to desperately hold onto images of flabby, out-of-shape baseball players that could hit home runs on a diet of beer and hot dogs.
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