Vvvrrrrrooooooommm!!!!

Following our wont to handicap major sporting events we know nothing about, I figured I would weigh in with my pick to win today's Indy 500. So I'll give you my unique, unappropriated thoughts on the favorites, followed by my prediction.

Guys I've sort of heard of before who apparently have the best shot to win:

Tony Kanaan, the 2004 IndyCar Series champion, is ready to step into the spotlight as one of American open-wheel racing's top stars. I mean, sersiously, this guy's totally ready for that.

But let's not forget Dan Wheldon. He loves racing at The Speedway and admits the 500 is a race he is "desperate" to win again--so desperate, even, that he would glady kill man to do it. He'll need help from his team because he clearly sucks on his own.

Two-time Indy winner Helio Castroneves shows his best when you least expect it. That could come in handy on Sunday. What may also come in handy are his sunny disposition and ability to emit deadly UV rays in the direction of other drivers.

Then there's Dario Franchitti. The dashing international jet-setter's résumé is missing two things: a championship crown and an Indy winner's ring. Come to think of it, it's not so jet-setting afterall. That was an odd word choice to begin with. Seriously, what motivated me to write that? But he is dashing--just catch him in a suit, and you'll see.

Sam Hornish Jr. is even more of a threat now that the pressure to win Indy has let off. Is this his last Brickyard dash in an open-wheeler? The answer: Yes. Next year he'll enter on his unicycle.

Also beware Scott Dixon . Quietly flying under the radar is this New Zealander's specialty and he's the ultimate dark horse. His other specialty: saying "mate" a lot.

While these guys are all excellent choices, for my pick, I'll have to go with Dario Fanchitti because 1) he's Italian and 2) he's a dashing jet-setter.

Readers, you know we've never been wrong. So make your bets--there's still time!