All right, we were going to do a whole in-depth analysis of the first round, but somewhere along the lines we got sidetracked and I drank and watched the Brewers instead. C'est la vie. Anyway, we then proceeded to throw this together, and are looking for a Mel Kiperesque 25% accuracy rate. You know what? Fuck it! This (meaning every single projected pick) is our lock of the week!
1. Oakland Raiders - JaMarcus Russell/QB/LSU
Come on, they'd be absolutely retarded (even for the Raiders) to not take this guy. If they end up taking Johnson, you know it's because Al Davis forgot to take his pills and got ahold of the phone without anyone else knowing.
2. Detroit Lions - Calvin Johnson/WR/Georgia Tech
While Zuch and I don't really think the Lions will take Johnson here, we're pretty sure someone will take him at #2. It's possible either the Lions trade the pick outright or select him, then trade down for a pick. Rumors have it that they really want out of #2, due to limited value at the position.
3. Cleveland Browns - Brady Quinn/QB/Notre Dame
The safe pick. A local boy, relatively solid prospect (just ask Nate). Cleveland still blows. I hear in 2008 they're renaming the top 5 picks the Browns/Raiders division.
4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Gaines Adams/DE/Clemson
This pick could be swapped for Arizona at #5 because the Cardinals apparently covet Joe Thomas. Just don't act surprised, because you read it here, mofos.
5. Arizona Cardinals - Joe Thomas/OT/Wisconsin
Gives Matt Leinart solid protection and should help Edgerrin James in the running game. Arizona's a sleeper this year!
6. Washington Redskins - Amobi Okoye/DT/Louisville
You wanna get high? Seriously though, this guy is awesome.
7. Minnesota Vikings - Adrian Peterson/RB/Oklahoma
As a Packers fan, I say FUCK! However, they'll probably fuck this up somehow. For Christ's sake, their owner's name is Ziggy, and it's not the xenophobic purveyor of gyros from Marquette.
8. Atlanta Falcons - LaRon Landry/S/LSU
Who'd have ever thought Michael Vick would be the one to tarnish the family name?
9. Miami Dolphins - Levi Brown/OT/Penn State
Brown will get to play for Cam Cameron in Miami. Remember him? He was the wise old mentor in the Blues Brothers (and there's a joke for a limited audience).
10. Houston Texans - Leon Hall/CB/Michigan
Yeah, Houston, drafting a cornerback should really help Matt Schaub get sacked less than David Carr did.
11. San Francisco 49ers - Patrick Willis/ILB/Mississippi
What are you talking about, San Francisco?
12. Buffalo Bills - David Harris/ILB/Michigan
I'll be honest, we have no idea what goes down on this pick, so we copied Kiper (and his hair style).
13. St. Louis Rams - Adam Carriker/DE/Nebraska
A white guy from Nebraska? Get the fuck out of here.
14. Carolina Panthers - Reggie Nelson/S/Florida
You know what's funny? Safeties are rarely involved in causing safeties. That's irony, fool.
15. Pittsburgh Steelers - Lawrence Timmons/OLB/Florida State
Less insane than Joey Porter. Also less good.
16. Green Bay Packers - Marshawn Lynch/RB/California
The last running back the Packers drafted was Najeh Davenport. Let's hope this guy's more discrete with where he shits.
17. Jacksonville Jaguars - Jamaal Anderson/DE/Arkansas
Good player should help the side of the ball that doesn't need much help. Somewhere, Byron Leftwich eats a sandwich and cries.
18. Cincinnati Bengals - Darrelle Revis/CB/Pittsburgh
It's the Bengals, make your own fucking joke.
19. New York Giants - Joe Staley/OT/Central Michigan
The trick is, either kick someone's ass the first day, or make Eli Manning your bitch.
20. Tennessee Titans - Alan Branch/DT/Michigan
First order of business: finish the job on Andre Gurode.
21. Denver Broncos - Jarvis Moss/DE-OLB/Florida
Too soon for the joke I'm thinking? Yes.
22. Dallas Cowboys - Robert Meachem/WR/Tennessee
Learn how to be a pro from a giant malcontent and an undersized pussy. Great.
23. Kansas City Chiefs - Ben Grubbs/OG/Auburn
Hey, that's great, but who are the Chefs?
24. New England Patriots - Ted "Theodore Logan" Ginn, Jr./WR/Ohio State
That Bill & Ted joke was all you get here.
25. New York Jets - Greg Olsen/TE/Miami
Jets draft player, Danny Manson boos.
26. Philadelphia Eagles - Brandon Meriweather/S/Miami-FL
Meriweather is a gay name for an NFL player.
27. New Orleans Saints - Paul Posluszny/LB/Penn State
Filthy poles, that's all I'll say.
28. New England Patriots - Chris Houston/CB/Arkansas
His last name is a place!
29. Baltimore Ravens - Anthony Spencer/C/Purdue
A center? Woo! I played that position in high school?
30. San Diego Chargers - Dwayne Bowe/WR/LSU
Go fuck yourself, San Diego.
31. Chicago Bearsss - Dwayne Jarrett/WR/USC
Some hot back to back Dwayne on Dwayne action.
32. Indianapolis Colts - Justin Harrell/DT/Tennessee
I'm totally out of jokes.