A death threat to Barry Bonds

DISCLAIMER: THE FOLLOWING IS A JOKE INTENDED TO MOCK THE ABSURDITY OF FANS WHO PHYSICALLY THREATEN ATHLETES. THE AUTHOR HAS NO INTENT OR MEANS TO HARM ANYONE, LEAST OF ALL A FAMOUS PRO ATHLETE, SO DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT TAKING IT SERIOUSLY IF YOU'RE A COPPER OR SOMETHING. NOW HAVING SAID ALL THAT, THIS POST REALLY WASN'T WORTH IT, NOR IS IT ALL THAT FUNNY. BUT SINCE I ALREADY WROTE IT, I'LL BE DAMNED IF IT GOES UNUSED.

DeAr BaRrY,
I aM GOing to kill U. If i

...You know what, Barry. This is too much work. I'm just going with one font the rest of the way if that's fine by you. Anyway, yeah, like I said I'm gonna kill you. It's a shame it's gotta be this way, but that's just how it is.

Here's the thing--I'm not even that upset that you're breaking Hank Aaron's record or taking HGH or anything. I've wanted to kill you for a while now, but now with so many other people wanting you killed too, I figure I finally have a good excuse.

You should know why I'm so mad though. Remember that homerun record chase back in 2001? Yeah, you know, the one where everyone tracked your every at bat and every move on your way to 73 homeruns? That was pretty awesome--until it got personal.

You see Barry, it was a mid-September evening, and I was taking in a thrilling rerun of The 2-Minute Drill on ESPN2. Brian from Jersey was just about to receive his Question of Great Significance when--guess what--ESPN cuts away to show your first inning at bat. And you wanna guess what you did in that at bat? That's right--you walked. Whooptie fuckin' doo.

By the time they cut back to regular programming, NFL 2Night had already started. To this day, I still don't know if Brian from Jersey won his money. Damn you, Barry.

Now I'm ready to act on this impulse I've kept inside for far too long. Time heals nothing, and I will never forgive you. Because you wronged me so, I am willing to sacrifice my clean criminal record, my restful conscience, my freedom, the companionship of my loved ones, and every possession I own just to make sure you pay.

And don't think this is an empty threat. These things are always for real, Barry. I mean, like, literally, expect to be dead in the not-too-distant future. Have you ever seen The Fan? You may not think so, but there actually are people like me who are willing to give up everything of conceivable value to ourselves and ruin our families just to carry out a personal grudge against a professional athlete whom we do not know and whose actions have very little bearing on our lives. I know no one's ever followed through on one of these in the past, but for real, this one's totally different. I mean, seriously, watch your back. Or don't. Not like it's gonna matter. Either way, you're dead dude.

Sincerely,
Anonymous person