Come on, FJM. Where are you on this one?

It's way funnier when Fire Joe Morgan does this and less work for me. But I don't mind stealing their schtick.

Anyway, Jayson Stark is one of those columnists that won't offend anyone because he's more the inquisitive, even-handed type. But man, can he write a dopey feel-good feature piece like it's nobody's business.

It's such a harmless piece that I would never even bother with it were it not for the overreaching ass-patting he gives Aaron Harang. I don't know how ESPN works, but here you get either the proper amount of praise or less. Never more.

BRADENTON, Fla. -- Much to the shock of approximately 98 percent of America, the National League batting champ's team met the National League strikeout champ's team Sunday.

I believe the word he meant to write was "indifference." Not "shock." "Indifference."

That was one hell of a typo.

Whoever they are.

Geggy Tah, anyone?

These two guys are so far off the national radar grid, you could probably fund your kids' college education by walking into a bar in, say, South Dakota and laying a few sheckles that your pals couldn't answer our favorite trivia questions of this spring:

What he doesn't say is that it's only an associates degree. From an online university.

Who won the NL batting title last season?

Freddy Sanchez.

And even if you get that one, we know you can't answer the stumper: Which pitcher led the league in strikeouts?

Carlos Zambrano. No wait, there's a big picture of Aaron Harang right next to the question. It must be... Tony Armas Jr.!

In a more technologically advanced world, we would post a link to the "Final Jeopardy" theme song right here and give you 30 seconds to think this over. But since we're stuck with the world we've got,

ESPN.com--Where you can watch streaming live games but can't upload a 600 kilobyte mp3.

here come your answers:

Your incumbent batting champ is … 29-year-old Pirates utility-wiz-turned-third-baseman-turned-(this spring)-second-baseman Freddy Sanchez.

Woo-hoo! You owe me ten sheckles. And a knish.

And your defending holder of the strikeout crown would be … 28-year-old Reds right-hander Aaron Harang.

Shtup! Take your sheckles back, you dirty chisler.

These are actual facts. Feel free to look them up.

Defensive, are we?

It's an amazing phenomenon when you think about it. We worship batting champs --

Fuckin' heathens...

as long as they're named Pujols or Gwynn or Ichiro.

...I worship Yey-zus Chris'.

And there's nothing we love watching more than a strikeout pitcher -- as long as they're named Santana or Schilling or Clemens.

Or Armas Jr.

But every once in a while, a guy -- or in this case, two guys -- will make the mistake of being from Pittsburgh or Cincinnati and filling those niches.

Man, I can't tell you how many times I've made that mistake. The next morning it's always the same thing--"I'm never gonna be from Pittsburgh or Cincinnati again." Then it's right back off the wagon. I'll never learn.

And we wipe them right out of our national consciousness.

You'd think those towns had seceded from the United States or something, just because they've combined to play in zero postseason series in the past 11 seasons.

And because they still allow slavery. I know! Isn't that shocking?

You know," Pirates GM Dave Littlefield said, "that's just how the sports world works. When you play on a team that hasn't won, it's harder to get recognition."

Well, we get that. But that doesn't mean it isn't an injustice.

Injustice? Isn't that a little over-the-top? Especially with the slave trade going on in his very city? Have you no sense of proportion, Jayson?!

And there is no better example of that injustice than what happened to Harang last season, two years after the A's traded him to Cincinnati for Jose Guillen.

Commence ass-patting.

Maybe if he'd only led the league in strikeouts (with 216, in 234 1/3 IP), we could understand. But he also tied for the lead in wins, with 16. And history tells us it's almost impossible to pull off that daily double without generating some monstrous buzz.

Hold on, now. I think what's amazing is not that Aaron Harang led in both of these categories, nor that Aaron Harang hasn't gotten more "buzz" for the accomplishment. It's that these totals actually led the league. Sixteen wins? 216 strikeouts? Seriously, I think Steve Trachsel's done this a couple times. Those are dandy totals but lame for a league leader.

I'm gonna make an unresearched but probably accurate estimate that those are the lowest totals to lead in either category (in a non-strike-shortened year in the modern era excluding players later deemed inelligible for recruiting violations before taxes and shipping) in a long, long time. I'm so cocksure that I'll stake this blog's credibility on it without taking the five seconds to check Baseball Reference.

Unless your name is Aaron Harang, that is.

That's right. We all just have it in for Aaron Harang. Go on, Aaron. Have your little pity party with your buddy Jayson Stark. Waah waah waah.

Since the invention of the Cy Young Award in 1956, every pitcher who led the National League in both of those categories won the Cy Young (11 of them in a row). But boy, did Harang ever screw up that trend.

Yeah, because his totals were good but not great in both categories, and he flukishly led the league. And--I've been biting my typing finger but I'll finally mention it--wins are an overrated, secondary-type stat. Like saves.

How close did he come to winning last year's Cy Young? Well, let's put it this way: He missed by one vote …

Of even getting a vote.

Admittedly that does sort of shock me. Point, Stark.

Any kind of vote. Second place. Third place. Melrose Place. You name the place.

Even Tony Armas Jr. got one Melrose Place vote.

Yes, friends. In an election in which eight pitchers got a vote, he got zero.

He was 3rd in IP, 6th in ERA+, and 5th in K/BB. I would say that makes him one of the eight best. Voters screwed up I guess. Sort of.

"I still can't believe he didn't get one Cy Young vote," Reds manager Jerry Narron said. "That's just unbelievable to me."

No votes. Disbelief. We get it.

But that's only the beginning of Harang's dazzling journey toward invisibility. He also managed to avoid winning the Pitcher of the Year award -- on his own team. (Bronson Arroyo won that election.)

Same number of starts, a few more innings for Arroyo, a few less walks and dingers from Harang, a better WHIP from Arroyo. Overall, a wash.

#1 reason why Arroyo is still better: a rockin' rock band.

And when the new Reds media guide came out this spring, a pitcher was on the cover. But that pitcher was not Aaron Harang (naturally). It was Arroyo.

Reason #2 why Arroyo is still better: kickass rockstar hair.

"He's as far under the radar as any player I've ever played with," Arroyo said. "In fact, I'll tell you the truth: When I came here, they said, 'You'll be the No. 2, behind Aaron Harang.' And I said, 'Who?'"

Bronson Arroyo--what a self-absorbed jerk.

Reason #3: his don't-give-a-hell attitude, a la his namesake Charles Bronson.

Then again, "Who" could almost be Harang's unofficial last name. For instance, here's the complete list of NL pitchers who have led the league in both wins and whiffs in the past 50 years: Randy Johnson, John Smoltz, Dwight Gooden, Steve Carlton (three times), Tom Seaver, Sandy Koufax (three times), Don Drysdale and … Aaron Harang. Who?

Even Harang said that when he first saw those names,

Get outta here. He did not say "Who?" at the mention of his own name.

"It was kind of a shocker. And it's still a shocker to me. I never would have thought I'd be on a list like that. I never really considered myself a strikeout pitcher."

Well, he'd better get used to it. He's a 6-foot-7 human mountain range with a live fastball that right-handed hitters can't seem to pick up. He had a better strikeout ratio last year (8.3 per 9 IP) than John Smoltz or Roger Clemens. And against left-handed hitters, who get devoured by his man-eating slider, his whiff rate was more than 10 per 9 IP.

"It's just his style of pitching," Arroyo said. "He's a guy who could punch out eight or 10 dudes in a game,

Reason #4: casually uses cool-guy words like "dudes" in interviews.

and you're like, 'Hmmm, that was a nice outing.' … But Dontrelle Willis punches out 10, and you're like, 'Holy [cow],' because there's so much stuff going on and the way he looks and he's pumping his first and everything. Aaron just does his thing and walks off the mound."

That, however, is Aaron Harang. Laid-back. Quiet. And, well …

"I don't mean this in a bad way," first baseman Scott Hatteberg said with a laugh, "but he's just kind of boring."

Quiet, unassuming guy plays well on small-market team and doesn't get big press. Real original angle, Jayson.

"I am," Harang confessed. "I'm very boring. It's sufficient for me, just going out and golfing when I'm not pitching, or playing video games.

Snoozers!

Quiet, unassuming athlete who enjoys golf and video games. Doubly original angle.

I could sit in my room all day, and it wouldn't even faze me. …

Man, this guy just sounds depressing now. I think it's that unnecessary ellipsis.

"I guess I have fun," he said, chuckling. "I just don't have much of it."

Well, we need to give him credit for one thing (besides turning into a legit No. 1 starter, that is): Unlike much of the rest of this continent (and several players in his own clubhouse), he knew that last year's NL batting titlist was named Freddy Sanchez.

Here's where Stark misses a golden opportunity to use a "batting titlist barely larger than a Titleist" pun. Here's where I also stop reading. I figure the Sanchez part is just a rerun of this awesomely FJMed piece from last season.

(Apologies to my brother Paul who told me to stop doing these posts some months back. Sorry, Paul. Last one, I promise.)