Mindless commentary on the Home Run Derby

All right, I’m sitting down to watch the Home Run Derby with a Baby Ruth (which I admittedly bought partly because it offers a chance at winning World Series tickets…I didn’t win them) and several beers. Since it’s just me and the kid, I don’t really have anyone to talk to (I say, “Can you believe that Alex Rios has more home runs than Albert Pujols at this point?” and he just shits his pants). So I’m gonna give a half-assed, increasingly drunken running blog of this event.

Before it gets started, let me just say that I am a fan of dunk contests, home run derbies and such. I know most of the blogging sports fans hate anything with this kind of fanfare and lack of meaning, but as Vinnie once put it, Ken Tremendous is not the boss of me. These events are entertaining. There is no deep explanation why I enjoy watching a bunch of guys hit baseballs five times as far as I ever could. I just do. Okay, we’re ready to go.

Introductions: this is obviously influenced by my hometown bias, but Chris Berman is a fucking idiot introducing Prince Fielder. Not only does he play on the father/son thing (which, thanks to SI, everyone knows is not Prince’s favorite topic) but he emphasizes the surprising Milwaukee Brewers. Surprising? To the casual baseball fan, maybe, but if you work for the biggest sports entertainment industry in the world (or if you’re a fan who closely follows the game) it really shouldn’t surprise you that the Brewers are doing well, just like last year’s Tigers shouldn’t have really surprised you. Okay, homer rant over.

Hey, did you know that Justin Morneau is Canadian? I bet he dresses in all denim, smokes a lot of weed and hunts moose.

Waldo caught the first home run. And Berman is quickly establishing that he’s going to do the “backbackbackback” routing for every fucking home run. (CB: “Man, this will never get old. Baseball, peanuts, beer and backbackbackback.”)

How many fewer home runs would we see if they only gave these players nine outs? Every year there’s at least one guy that hits like three or four homers on the final out. Or maybe the players try extra hard for the “State Farm Gold Ball” because it goes to some kind of charity. Doesn’t it? I’m not sure where that money goes.

You know that guy that you invite to your poker game because your buddy backed out at the last second and you need to get a few more dollars in the pot, but then the bastard takes all your money? Matt Holliday could be that guy.

People who criticize Barry Bonds for not participating in the Derby…get real. The man is old by normal people standards, not to mention athlete standards. Can you imagine if Bonds participated in the Derby, and pulled something or tore something, and couldn’t get those next four home runs? Yeah, yeah, “That’d be awesome! The integrity of baseball would be upheld.” Whatever. Bonds would be the biggest idiot in the world if that happened.
Also on Bonds: he’s sitting here complaining that he’s being judged by third parties who don’t really know him. That’s what being an athlete is all about! Nobody’s saying that Barry Bonds is a horrible person who should be locked up (well, almost no one). People are upset that he’s cold towards the media and that he used steroids. Those are the things that we do know about him.

Commercial break. This gives me an opportunity to mention a hypothetical event that would be even more fun than the current Home Run Derby. That is a home run derby made up of players who generally hit for average and decent hitting pitchers. Wouldn’t everyone love to see Big Z face off against Scott Podsednik or David Eckstein in a home run contest? I know I would.

I know Vlad, Prince and Howard haven’t hit yet, but honestly, who though Alex Rios and Matt Holliday would be winning this thing at any point?

I love Joe Morgan calling Prince Fielder “overlooked.” The fact that he was voted into the All-Star Game ahead of Pujols proves that he’s widely recognized. It’s a pretty solid rule that whenever Joe Morgan calls a player “overlooked” or “underrated” he is either referring to a small white player that sucks, or he’s referring to a guy that everyone except Joe Morgan has recognized as a great young player.

Well Prince’s first try at the Derby was disappointing, but not all that surprising. This sun factor could be interesting, with the pitches now coming out of the sun into the shadows. We’ll see how it affects the rest of the field.

Wow, Ben Sheets’ son looks even dumber than his dad.

Hahahahahahaha! Joe Morgan on the Brewers’ success: “I actually have to pat myself on the back here, because I went to one game in the preseason and said ‘If these guys stay healthy, they’re going to be good.’…” (emphasis Joe’s) One game! This from the man who is constantly saying “I haven’t seen (insert team/player here) enough to comment on them.” Man, Joe Morgan is the dumbest person alive.

David Ortiz should be at every Home Run Derby for as long as he’s alive. He makes it more fun for everyone.

Justin Morneau almost nailed a small kid with a line drive to right field. I may be a sadistic fuck, but the kid deserved to get plunked for not paying attention. I mean, you get a chance to shag balls for some of the best Major Leauge hitters and you’re out there picking your butt? God damn.

Quick odds on Pujols beating Marneau’s one home run: 8/1

There it is. Berman did the Alcatraz reference. Jesus, is this guy predictable or what?

More Berman: “Holliday puts this ball on a holiday.” What does that even mean? In no way, in no person’s brain, could this statement make any sense.

Holliday just hit one 469 feet. Ryan Howard called him a pussy.

Also I’m calling it right now: Holliday will come in second. He’s wearing himself out in the second round, and the championship round starts from scratch. So mark it. Matt Holliday for second place.

Now Berman tried to explain his previous statement: “In Canada they say when you go on holiday, you go on vacation. He put a couple of these balls on holiday.” Okay, first off, that still makes no sense. And second, the Canadian reference doesn’t even make sense. Finally, I don’t know if you got Holliday and Morneau confused, but what’s with the Canada reference at all?

Wow. Alex Rios. Just…wow. Caught me off guard. I’m cheering for him now.

During commercials and inane chatter, I am working on filling out child support papers (hold your jokes, it gets better) and my favorite section is “If the Location of This Parent is Not Known…” and the following questions are “Has this person ever been arrested?” “Date of Arrest or Conviction,” “Name of Parole/Probation Officer,” and finally “Is this parent currently incarcerated?” (Okay, now you can let loose…Bechtel, I’m looking at you)

I’m rooting against Vlad simply because Joe Morgan picked him to win.

Well, my Holliday for #2 prediction is done. I could just go back and delete that prediction, since none of this is being posted in real time. But I’m leaving it in there to preserve my integrity. Or maybe I went back and put that in to make me look more honest than I really am. Or maybe I left it in there so you would think I went back and put it in there to make me look more honest than I really am. Did I just blow your mind?

Great. Vlad has to hit three home runs to win the Derby. Enthralling. I’m on the edge of my seat. They need to bring David Ortiz into the “booth” to make this interesting.

Vlad just got robbed by Pixar. The fucking “Cars” advertisement, which rises above of the left field wall blocked what would normally have been a home run.

ODELE! We have a champion! Good night folks.