Commissioners Vote Unanimously to Consolidate Superfluous Athletes

In a move that analysts throughout the sporting community are calling shocking and "highly unnecessary," the commissioners of every major American sports league have voted to eliminate all players in their leagues that share a name with other professional athletes, consolidating each name into the best player with each individual name.

The movement, dubbed "Operation Cutback," was first proposed by NBA chief David Stern early last year as an organizational strategy and cost-saving measure. The proposal gained momentum as commissioners from the NBA, NHL, NFL and Major League Baseball grew incresingly wary of and confused by the proliferation of a few common - and possibly redundant - names among their athletes.

The turning point appeared to have come during a recent series between the San Diego Padres and Arizona Diamonbacks in late June. During an at-bat by D-Backs outfielder Chris Young against Padres starter Chris Young, baseball commissioner Bud Selig was overheard to exclaim, "Chris Young against Chris Young? What the hell is going on here?!?! Get me David Stern on the phone and tell him we're ready to move on this thing. This shit's gone too far. Also, what am I doing at a Padres-Diamondbacks game?"

Players from every sports league have been affected by the decision, some of whom will be forced, as NFL head Roger Goodell said in a statement released early Thursday, to "pack up [their] shit and get the hell out. Go find another job. We've already got plenty of [your first name] [your last name]s around here."

Still others face an even more daunting task, as they will be required, starting in January of 2008 to learn to play as many as three other sports at a professional level. "This is nuts, man," said Carolina Panthers WR and now-former NHL and NBA All-Star Steve Smith. "Did you know that I also coach third base for the Phillies? How am I supposed to handle that? I don't know shit about baseball. Worst of all, thanks to this new rule, I'm also that asshole that shaved points while playing basketball for Arizona State in the mid-90's. I have a criminal record now. This sucks."

Other athletes, however, have received the news quite positively, as many welcomed the increased opportunities and greater recognition the rule will provide. "This is awesome," said Nascar driver and Super Bowl champion coach Jimmie Johnson. "Not only do I still get to race, but I also get two Super Bowl rings and a chance to go on FOX every Sunday and talk about football! This fuckin' rules!"

Amid all the confusion, however, the new rule has made one thing undeniably clear. Kareem/Karim Abdul Jabbar is now unquestionably the greatest athlete ever. In addition to winning six NBA championships, a record six NBA MVP awards and three NCAA titles, analysts can now only stand and applaud the fact that after playing 20 years in the NBA, Jabbar still found the time and energy to rush for 3,000 yards and score 33 touchdowns for relatively poor Miami Dolphin teams in the mid '90s.